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Well, my daughter (grandaughter I've had since a baby) turned 18 yesterday. I sure have had some mixed feelings, but guess that's normal.
The fact that she left my home in Dec. shortly before Christmas, as most will remember, make it a little harder to deal with in some ways.....maybe easier in others.
I've tried very hard to keep communication open between us the best I can. She is still in school and still on the honor roll and has won some scholarships and grants for college. I am still proud of her. She does come by to see me fairly often and helps keep an eye out for my other 14 yr old grandaughter who came to live with me in November.
Whats been bothering me I think is that many think because I wanted to give her a gift for her 18th birthday and thinking of a graduation gift that this is enabling her. Not sure I feel this way. She has not asked for any help since she moved out and we haven't offered any, But, to me she just turns 18 one time and the fact that she is staying in school and still working hard shows me that she will deserve that diploma she gets in May. Sure, I miss going through the exciting events associated with preparations for her graduation but she hasn't totally cut me out. Besides, in my understanding of my steps, what I'm supposed to do is keep my side of the street clean! I am not responsible for what she says or does, but I AM responsible for how I react to her. Anyway, I love her and can't just cut her off because of this.
My 14 yr old is doing ok. Sadly, her mother has not been involved in her life very much. I am concerned that my grandaughter seems so into the "emo" stuff and the anger i see so much in her age group. But we are trying to show her love and responsiblity. Three week progress reports come out this week so we'll see what they show as far as her work at school.
Anyway, just wanted to give an update. Thanks everyone for all your support!
I certainly can't see an issue with your giving your daughter gifts on these special days. There is no enabling in that! What you are giving is from your heart with no motive to try to change her or make her be somebody is isn't. You have been a very special person in her life and hopefully the poor choices she is making today will be short lived. Sounds like she truly wants to continue a relationship with you and it doesn't sound like she is trying to take anything from you. I think we need to balance our dissapointment in those who make choices we don't agree with with lots of love and hope. Not always the easiest thing to do when we feel worn out ourselves in dealing with this disease. Your love for these girls will bring blessings into their lives.
Hmmmm, I don't see how giving someone a gift for a birthday or graduation is enabling them. I think it is wonderful that she is doing so well. There are many kids that live at home with both parents that don't do as well.....even with supportive and healthy parents, lol. I would be proud of her as well, if I were you. It is so hard when they are grown up and become independent. I have a 22 yr old son, he is still home.....for now. But even with him at home I am naturally not involved in his life as much or in the ways I used to be. I see this as a good thing, although it still makes me sad at times. Afterall this is what we raise them for.....to prepare them to be able to stand on their own 2 feet and be responsible for themselves.
That's the way I'm looking at it too. When I mentioned something yesterday about the gifts .. others said " Even though she moved out angrily....you're still going to give her gifts?????"
Well, I said yes, because she's still graduating, she'' still turning 18!!! Her other choices, are things I don't have to agree with, and she's not really asking me too. lol Now if I was still doling out $$ to her weekly or whatever just to get her to stay in touch that would be different, but I'm not. Heck, I even feel a little guilty cuz I kept her cell phone; but she didn't want to pay the difference between what the basic rate was and her extra charges...so I kept it!
Just because she's gonna make some choices I disagree with doesn't mean I have to totally cut her off. If that were true, I'd cut everyone off. lol And..they'd cut me off too! lol
if you can give a gift without the feelings of anger & resentment after the fact & let go no matter what she does with the gift then go ahead -
example:
our daughter, not in recovery, i can't give her money makes me crazy in my head cuz i know she will use it to feed her habit so i do gift cards - yes i know she could sell or trade the gift cards for money, but it is what works for me. We've done wal-mart gift cards they can be used for gas, food, school supplies, etc. fast food gift cards, movie theater gift cards, just anything like that.
if you don't have these kind of issues with her - then yes do what your heart leads you that is healthy & wise.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
"Just because she's gonna make some choices I disagree with doesn't mean I have to totally cut her off. If that were true, I'd cut everyone off. lol And..they'd cut me off too! lol" Now this is sooo true!!! We are not going to agree with everyone's choices all the time, no matter who they are. And if we were to cut them off for making a choice we don't agree with, I think all of us would have been cut off from our parents the second we learned to backtalk or color on the walls, lol. Especially as far as grown children go, they are never going to make the choices we feel they should or we want them to. Afterall, allowing them the freedom to make a mistake also affords them a learning opportunity and who are we to take life experience away from them or anyone else? (alcoholic, addict or not) Our job is simply to guide them to make an informed choice, what they do after that is "their issue".
I'm confused by the idea of giving her a gift is enabling her? You are marking a rite of passage. You only turn 18 once. Just because she left in anger, doesn't mean that you don't love her anymore. You didn't give her a gift because she moved out. To me this is not enabling. This is giving someone you stil care about a token of a special day. I say "GO FOR IT!" HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER!
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
