The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since we seem to have a lot of new members I thought some ideas about detachment might be helpful.
One of the most difficult things for me to comprehend when I came to Alanon was detachment. Detachment is not just not speaking to the A about what they do or ignoring them.. It is more to do with getting it out of our heads, to stop dwelling on and obsessing about situations that we have no control over. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives.
Many times the family members find that they have become just as obsessed -- and perhaps even more -- with the alcoholic's behavior than the alcoholic is with the drink. AlAnon teaches us to "put the focus on ourselves" and not on the alcoholic, or anyone else.
Just being quiet felt like I was a pressure cooker about to blow. I could hand these thoughts over, but always managed to take them back.I knew that wasn't right by the way it felt. I found that I had to "get busy" in order to get what the A was doing out of my head. Whether it was physically or mentally busy didn't matter, as long as I was busy. I chose to do things that I hadn't done before to make it more interesting. I made some new friends through my Alanon group and was invited to share some of their interests. I called up old friends for coffee, a muffin and a few laughs. I took walks in parks I hadn't been to before. These practices not only helped me detach, but allowed me to figure out that I was capable of many things I hadn't thought of before...
When my husband took the job in Alaska I found myself drifting toward all the "what if's". Again I had to put the "when I got busy I got better" slogan in to action. I ripped carpet out and laid laminate floor on the top level of my house with no man in sight!. I learned to use a miter saw and cut moulding. I found that I enjoyed it and went on to take carpet off of two flights of oak stairs, sand them again and again, fill in nail holes and do several coats of polyurethane (even though the dog ran through wet poly).
OK, that's what helped me to "get it" at first.. Anyone else want to share on what they do/did?
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
That is a wonderful topic. Being relatively new to the program I can tell you that was a very bizzar concept for me. "Detatch with Love" So I am supposed to let her cuss me up and down and smile and say "I love you"....
At the time I was ready to detatch with a baseball bat... (joking) But, it all sounded so obsurd. It took me a while to do anything effective because I was caught into thinking I had no choices. I can't do X because they won't let me. I can't do Y because they will blow their stack. I can't do Z because they control the money. Well, when it comes down to it that's bull. I "allowed" that control.
I still have an issue with doing what I want to... but I am much better at doing what I need to do reguardless of the opinions of others. I have control over what I do. For so long I tried to avoid "the big one" by doing whatever she said. Then we had "the big one" anyway... regularly.
You told me something that was wise... and cracked me up. "Blind em with butt"
If they want to argue, blame or otherwise do what A's do, just simply because it is part of their disease... I don't have to sit and listen to it. If they have no audience, maybe they will quit doing it.
I definitely takes time. For awhile people told me... if your life is full of constant chaos then just simply do the opposite of what you would normally do. Could it be any worse?
Wonderful post. Hope you are well!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
detachment........, the only example i can think of is.................,
''KEEP COMING BACK''.
it has been a wonderful thing for me to be able to share my expericence, strength and hope with the people of miracles in progress online alanon.
i feel change happening. it has occurred to me that change cannot not be that easy to conquer, otherwise why would our daily devotional be entitled, ''courage to change''?
i have learned in these past few weeks, i cannot do it alone.
miracles in progress has helped me see, i need all of you, i need face to face meetings,
Great post. The best way I learned to detach came when I finally insisted that hubby leave after his second relapse and week at detox. I was still so new to this. But I knew I couldn't live that way anymore. So we lived apart for a while. It was when I came home and was alone that I started feeling comfortable again. I started to really concentrate on me! The last and final time he left was the hardest time I had with detaching. But I had to turn him over to his HP and let the chips fall where they may. Fast foward today and he's alive and sober. I still have to detach not only from him at times, but from work and other personal issues that I need to deal with.
Best thing I did was get a daily meditation book and sign up for daily email meditations. Like you, when I'm struggling, I try and keep my mind busy. Lots of suduku puzzles, crossword puzzles, or trying a really complicated recipe. Anything that requires my full attention, so I can't let this old brain of mine wonder into the stinking thinking. I ask myself: How important is it? Is it worth me getting all worked up about it? Will it change anything? I especially use that one when it comes to my sister as she is in denial about her hubby.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Also eating chocolate helps too!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Detachment , my fav topic . Everyone here who knows me and knows myfav page is still July 14th in the ODAT , that page tells me what to do , what not to do and to especially quit trying to do the work that is best left to a God of our understanding. I can't stop what is going on but I can change my attitide about it , by not getting angry and causing a scene when the A is only doing what A's do . Nothing is ever accomplised by shaming or embarasing a alcoholic. Eventually it makes me feel worse so that is one of the thngs I promised I would not do to ME anymore. Stepping aside and allowing him to do what he had to do is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But by getting a diff perspective of this disease I began to understand that I was actually helping the alcoholic continue in his lfestyle that by my silence he was assuming that what he was doing was ok with me. I stopped making him look good at my expence I detached from his behavior , made him responsible for his own mess . I stopped lying for him or cover up his mistakes , I quit making excuses for his rotten behavior to our sons and family and friends . It didn't t ake long before he was up tohis neck in his own crap. and all i had to do was step aside . I love the slogan Live and let Live , that one helped me alot . The serenity prayer is really important to me i divide it into 3 parts . first God grant me the serenity ( let me calm down so I can think clearly ) to accept the thngs I can not change ( them ) The courage to change the things I can ( me and m y attitide ) and the wisdom to know the difference. If there is a part in the crisis that is mine I do it and leave the rest where it belongs- with him. Our detachment pamphlet was a piece of literature that was always with me , in my purse all of them hehe so that when faced with a problem I would get that piece of paper out and go down the list and find the one I needed at the moment . made things much easier for all of us actually. eventually i learned that his behavior affected me but it did not have to run my life. Louise
After so many years someone finally said something to be so very blunt and it sunk in. They said "live as if he were already dead". So I did. I focused on me and my three little babies and did what I had to do to make sure we were fed, clothed and I quit answering calls from him because at this point I know longer knew "him".....he was gone. It was like a weight was lifted from me. I no longer had his problems, the no longer burdened my day or my children's lives. To a point, I was free. We all hear things differently. Some like to hear things softly, some like it in the middle..........I am one that has to hear it so LOUD that you can not skip around it. hehehe So far it's worked and is still working. ;)
Good topic Christy. Hard to do. I try to keep busy, challenge myself. I have been intellectually lazy because I spent all my time tracking my AH. He is gone now but the obsession goes on in my head. But I am figuring out that part of that is not wanting to look at me. Fear, nobody home. So I get busy and detach by reading, running. I listen to recovery tapes. I have been going thru my sons' room. I pulled out one of their games and have had fun trying it. I have a math book and a computer book that I work on. I have a slip of paper by my bed. It says, "do something that scares you everyday". I try and have had some amazing experiences.
I used to feel that in order to be a good wife, I had to feel what he was feeling. If he was down, I had to be down, too, in order to be supportive. Just reading that now, it seems so stupid - but I spent most of my marriage like that, and still have to fight it. So, for me, detaching is letting myself feel my own feelings, and not trying to take on his. If he is having a bad day, I can be loving and supportive without it affecting MY day. I can give him a hug and a cup of tea, and then go off and sing if I want to.
Detachment for me is living my life, dealing/healing with my issues, taking care of my responsibilities. Sometimes, well many times my husband and I share the same responsibilties, however there are many things we don't share. I don't take on his 'stuff'. Meaning if he's stressed and taking it out on me, I make an effort to not allow it (it's work in progress mind you) but I have learned how to take care of myself, by not taking on his stress or negativity. It's not avoidance, but if he starts to raise his voice, I know that I have the choice to say something like 'I don't agree and I'm not going to continue this conversation right now, or I don't like the way you're talking to me and I'm going to leave now' Wow choices, yes we have choices, that's what I've learned from detachment. As we know the problems don't go away just because there is no substance abuse. The behaviors are still there and therefore learning to detach from the behaviors is what has given me the peace and serenity I have today. All the while still being able to love my husband more now, than ever before. Signing off with loving serenity (at this moment anyway)
For me, in the begining, I had no idea what detaching what love even meant. I couldn't grasp the concept. How could I detach from someone I love, someone I took vows with? So I just started doing what everyone suggested...keeping focus on me, not letting him or anything he did interupt my serenity, letting him clean up his own messes and suffer consequences for his actions. After doing these things for a month or so I was talking with an alanon friend and she said I was doing a wonderful job detaching, that's when the light went off in my head, lol. It wasn't as hard as I thought. I was detaching and didn't even realize it. Here I was still silently stuggling with the whole concept....go figure.
Whenever he wanted to "debate" things I just simply told him..."yeah, you're right" and I would walk away. I would rather "be happy than right". Eventually he got the hint and didn't bother so much with his "debates".
I made a boundary that he could not come home if he had been drinking or using until he was "sober". Sometimes this meant he was gone for up to 48 hours. I can't say that I didn't worry about him, but I learned to place him in HP's hands and would keep busy.....mind and body.
I also liked playing detective in the begining, so I re-routed my detective skills into more constructive areas....puzzles, mystery movies and a favorite "I, detective" on court tv, lol. I also started "investigating" how to fix things around the house. So many things were sitting there in need of repair or replacement so I killed 2 birds with 1 stone on that...investigation (learning to fix it) and keeping myself busy. This also helped soooo much with my self confidence since I was able to sit back and see what "I" did.....all by myself. Wallpapering, laying flooring, fixing plumbing, electrical work, minor home repairs. Also, it seemed when the house was in better order I just had an overall better feeling. Nothing worse than sitting in a house that reflects a life of chaos.
Just because he was unhappy and living in turmoil, didn't mean I needed too.
Excellent topic..............I was like Lin "to be a good wife I had to feel what he felt" and so I did my best to help and making myself sick in the process trying to "fix" something that wasnt mine to fix. (And I found out later I couldnt have anyway). The effects of someone else's drinking can be too devastating for most people to bear without help. In Alanon we learn we are not responsible for another person's drinking or their recovery from it. Hard I know especially when it is someone very near and dear to us. The weekly meeting at Alanon for me reinforced this issue time and time again, and each time I left the meeting, I had the courage to slowly "let go of "stuff" that was not mine to tackle, and gave me choices that I didnt know I truly had all along. My tattered torn pamphlet on detachment ( which is free from alanon) was well read on a daily basis, when my A was still here. Detachment with love can come in many forms, hard to define and hard to do, each person does what works for themselves. I would walk away from a useless futile drunken conversation or I would say You may be right" to difuse a volatile situation, or I would leave the house completely. In alanon we learn: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of anothers recovery Not to do for others what they can do for themselves Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeeds Not to create a crisis Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events Deatchment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate fromt he advese effects that nother person's alcoholism can have upon our lives.
To let go: Does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. Is not to cut myself off, but to realize I can't control others. Is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. Is to admit powerlessness and the outcome is not in my hands. Is not to try to change or blame another, just to make the most of myself. Not to care FOR, to care ABOUT. Not to fix, but be supportive. Not to judge, but allow another to be imperfect or human. Not to protect, but to allow others to face reality. Not to deny, but to accept. Not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings. Not to dwell in the past, but grow and live for the future. Tofear less and love more.
This got me thru a very tough time with my AH son. He is now sober 1 year and doing well. There is hope!
