The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need a meeting. I have a three year old and no childcare, so I am at home. She is bouncing off the walls and I am in pain. Her dad is locked up. Has been there since July. It isn't the first time. I have wasted thousands of dollars on an attorney. Pay for collect calls that I can hardly afford and all the while I know I need to disentangle myself from this person. He has hurt me on countless levels. I know that I cannot trust him. He doesn't believe he is an A, all the while having four dui's. His drinking has risked my child and my safety. He is a compulsive liar. I know all these things in my head. So someone, please explain to me why the fact that he has chosen not to call and speak to his child or me in a week and a half is making me CRAZY. I can't stop looking at the time and getting angrier and angrier. How do you detach? I am an intelligent person. Why can't I get this person out of my life. He is on a sinking ship, and I am sitting her trying to mend wholes that are bigger than me. I feel so desperate and alone. null
You are in a hard place for sure. It's exactly what makes us nuts!!... and also what brings us to Alanon. The good news is Alanon can help if you allow it. Alanon taught me to set boundaries and to not take on in my life the things that drove me nuts. It gave me tools to use to deal with those times and helped me to keep those boundaries. It didn't happen over night, I had to force myself to hold the boundaries many times.
Please find something to do today that is fun instead of shooting daggers at the phone. Try taking the focus off of him and enjoy this day with your child. Whatever it takes! You won't have an opportunity to change this day when it's over.
You might want to check out the chatroom, it's open 24/7. Someone is usually there. If not, keep checking back. Meeting time tonight is 9pm Eastern.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm certain Maria will offer you wonderful and needed ESH (that's experience, strength and hope) but I would like to offer you the following:
Stop. Deep breath.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't control any of this. You can't cure any of this.
Money -- the best thing you can do for yourself, your child and your Ah (that's Alcoholic husband), is to stop. the responsibility for his actions... are his, for his actions. Lawyers, insurance premiums -- take hold of what is yours to deal with. It sounds like he is in the best place possible - jail. My wife had also been DUI on several occasions; can you imagine the guilt, depression, and absolute destroyed lives if he or my Aw would KILL someone on the road? Just say no, to bailing him out -- my wife is also in denial -- till that changes, nothing will.
If you need a meeting - find one, get to it, child in tow or not. It's not the best idea for the serenity of a meeting, but in Al-anon, the love and compassion of its members has hardly a match.
Trust - of course you cannot trust him. He's an A. A's are liars, manipulators, and egotists to the NNNNNNNth degree. Your trust can be put to much better use. Trust in HP (that's Higher Power) to guide you. Trust yourself and your instincts - I'm betting that you are way SMARTER than you even think you are - you may not trust the decisions you've made in the past, because of the insanity and chaos you're living with... but that wasn't your decision. Alcoholism causes that, sad but true.
Detaching - we say, "try to detach with love." that isn't always possible. we alanonics need to FEEL our FEELINGS. the anger and rage, the sadness, the surrender, the "i did all i could" -- and use them. We've been so busy trying to figure out what our A is feeling, we've lost contact with our own self... take a few minutes for you and figure out what your feeling. from there we can LET GO!!!!
Alone - honey, you are not alone. you've made it here to this wonderful sanctuary. most of us have reaaaaaally similar stories. in one way or another, we've taken the steps to work on OURSELVES, so that our life can move out of the insanity and chaos, and move toward peace and serenity. we are all at different points in our own work, yet, we are all walking the path together. Sister, I have a spot open just for you on my path. It is not in back of me, because I cannot lead you. It is not in front of me, because I cannot follow you. It is beside me, so that we can share our triumphs and pitfalls together. I have come to know these people here as my family. The ESH (experience strength and hope) I have been blessed to receive is nothing short of miraculous. KEEP COMING BACK, so that your miracle can happen, also.
lots of love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I also sent you a private message.. I was feeling really helpless, and angry with myself for not being able to disentangle myself from it all and not focus on him. I guess I never really truly realised until now that alanon is about learning how to accept that 'helplessness'. Last night for me it was well and truly out of my hands. And I was p***ed off! I still have a lot to learn. For some reason I kept thinking that my ex (A) and I could relate like normal intelligent rational adults. And stupid me is still to this day surprised when he doesn't relate like that. He says he loves our son, but is still irresponsible. My son still hasn't been weaned off his bottle and neither has his daddy.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I am going through it too, however.....this is my seventh year in it. You say "why can't you detach?" The sad thing is you are........your doing it little by little, piece by piece. One day you will realize "I just don't love this person" Your child does NOT deserve to be treated that way and the child looks to you for his protection and security. One parent is better then two messed up ones. The best thing you can do is to better yourself. Take care of yourself and that child. You do not have to pay for an attorney for that man. You do not have to do anything for that man..........I hope you do not think otherwise. My best advice for you is to make a plan.......make a plan where you and your child are safe and secure. You husband needs to make a plan for himself because only HE can. Good luck. I hope you find the strength you need here. My children are 6,5,5 and I can assure you that your child will only get more emotionally hurt the older he gets. You'll wish you would have left earlier or got help sooner. (((HUGS))) ^i^
Welcome to the board and the family group. This is the best place in my opinion to come and get sane and have my life saved after all that is what happened to me. In early program we use to read the definition of alcoholism at every meeting and in that definition there is a portion pertaining to the family, friends and associates of the alcoholic, "...and we get as sick as the alcoholic or sicker because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality." What you describe as wanting to detatch while you are mentaly and emotional full attached is evidences of our "sicker" reaction in the disease.
Rather than detatch we should think in terms of "detox" because it is said that we get as addicted to the alcoholic as they get to alcohol may be more. I for one had a withdrawal reaction after being away from my alcoholic wife for a period of time. I had it at a meeting and the woman sitting next to me who was a nurse working in the field of addiction told me that my physical symptoms were identical to an addict coming off of heroin. I was addicted to my alcoholic wife deeply and had other emotional and mental withdrawal symptoms also.
Emotionally I would also get angry at not being able to be with or see her while at the same time the last thing I needed was to be in that relationship. I suffered depression and deep sadness and cried alot (out for her) at times. Mentally I would not be able to focus off of the problem of being married to an alcoholic and the other times I was thinking about ways I could get her back using the old, "If I could or would only...." justifications while at the same time I knew I could not change anything there. Spritually I was dead!! No motivation to live and wanting to just disappear into thin air. Physically? I think separation form such a traumatic addiction to another is the best diet in the world. I stopped eating, stopped exercising, stopped taking care of my self in any way and lost a lot of weight. I was slim, trim, ready to spend big bucks on a new wardrobe and go find another alcoholic or sick person to shack up with.
Before I learned what detatchment was I had to detox first!! I did what you have been doing now and learned how to change it in the Al-Anon Family Groups. I keep coming back and you can try that also.
Welcome, glad you have foudn us, and yes, we can help. We have all felt that panic despair at loving someone who is not good for us. One point I want to add to what others have said is that "feelings are not facts" - you feel that desparate need to reach out to your A, to fix his problems that you have not caused, that empty gaping hole when he is gone. Those feelings are a lot like the A's need for a drink - you THINK you need to do these things, but you actually do not. Your own sickness is riding you. So, deal with it the way a recovering A does - fight the craving, do something else, stay away from triggers, look out for HALT (am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?) reach out to others or to your Higher Power. The feelings will go away, and you will be able to think with some clarity again. I remember telling my husband something once, that he did not want to hear, but that was my own vital truth. He hung up on me and did not talk to me for a week. I honestly thought the pain would kill me, but, you know, it didn't. I hung on, did not call him, did not apologize and pretend that I didn't mean what I really DID mean, and, eventually, he accepted it. I think it was the first time in my life that I had stood my ground with him, and although it felt so horrible while I was doing it, the end result was great. YOu also can stand your ground - do what is best for yourself and your child.
