The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alcoholism is only one of the symptoms of other underlying "issues" going on. Of late, I have been reading many of my own stories in yours and many of my friends feeling like everything is their fault.
Abuse takes many forms. There's physical, emotional and verbal. As a child, I encountered all three. In my married life, there was emotional and verbal. There's a distinction between "abuse" and being "abusive." Abusive seems to be a catch word these days where partners (as well as others) say for example, "you were abusive to me when I came home drunk and you reamed me up one side and down the other." By the way, if you are in an abusive relationship (a cycle that continues), your abuser will use that tactic called mind games to keep you down and make you feel less than in order to maintain his "power over" you.
That is true, I believe we are all capable of being abusive. But abusive relationships are when one partner has more power (physical, financial, etc.) over the other partner and the cycle does not end.
I never knew this until I turned 37 years old:
Verbal abusers have been known to say:
I love you.
No one could love you as much as I do.
I'd never leave you.
I'd never do anything to hurt you.
I just want you to be happy.
Some abusers may be extremely over-powering while others may be reclusive, yet very manipulative. Some are outgoing, some are loners. The abuser also may describe her/himself as the opposite of the way his/her partner experiences him.
The verbal abuser may be:
irritable
likely to blame his mate for his outburst or action
unpredictable (you never know what will anger him/her.
angry
intense
unaccepting of their mate's feelings and views
unexpressive of warmth and empathy
controlling
silent or uncommunicative in private (note the word private)
demanding or argumentative
a "nice guy/gal" to others
competitive toward their partner
sullen
jealous
quick with come-backs or put-downs
critical
manipulative
explosive
hostile
unexpressive of their own feelings
What is present is: What is lacking is:
Inequality Equality
Competition Partnership
Manipulation Mutuality
Hostility Goodwill
Control Intimacy
Negation Validation
The following is a list of primary consequences of verbal abuse. The partner of a verbal abuse may experience:
A distrust of their own spontaneity.
A loss of enthusiasm
A prepared, on-guard state
An uncertainty about how s/he is coming across.
A concern that something is wrong with him/her.
An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
A loss of self-confidence.
A growing self-doubt.
An internalized "critical voice."
A concern that s/he isn't happier and ought to be.
An anxiety or fear of being crazy.
A sense that time is passing and s/he's missing something.
A desire not to be the way she is -- "too sensitive," etc.
A hesitancy to accept her perceptions.
A reluctance to come to conclusions (about any decision, it might be the wrong one).
A desire to escape or run away.
A belief that what s/he does best may be what s/he does worst.
A tendency to live in the future -- "Everything will be great when/after .........."
A distrust of future relationships.
Verbal abuse is damaging to the spirit. It takes the joy and vitality out of life. It distorts reality because the abuser's response does not correlate with the partner's communication. The partner usually believes the abuser is being honest and straightforward.
Source: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
We cannot change what we do not acknowledge so just for today if this helps one person, I feel I am fulfulling God's (my HP) purpose.
Yours in love and recovery,
Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
It has become obvious to me that I've been married to a verbal abuser for 25 years. Your post describes him completely. A few years ago, after our nest became empty, I was feeling completely hopeless and "dreamed" of dying. It seemed like the only answer for me. Thankfully, my sister talked me into going back to school and making it "Me" time...which has helped me tremendously....along with Al Anon.
However, this has caused him to feel insecure. While he loves to promote himself as my biggest supporter, there have been many occasions when he has tried to make me feel small. One day while I was talking about school, he told me that I had become "pretentious."
Another time we were having a lovely ride in the car, when I was sharing with him about my day, how 2 classmates told me I had beautiful skin that day and his response was, "Really? Based on what?" I laughed and said, "Thanks a lot." So, he went on to say, "Seriously, what standard were they talking about?" When I became quiet, he got angry and asked if I was "blowing him off?" And, when I expressed my hurt, he told me I was too sensitive, and he was just trying to have an intelligent conversation. He drove home like a maniac, squealing the tires the whole way.
Anyway...sorry for the rant. Your post kinda pressed my buttons. I never know when he's going to act out. One minute, we're having a delightful time, the next minute....he's got those verbal boxing gloves on. I keep asking HP what I still need to learn from this relationship....?
Wow I think that summed it up pretty well for me. I walked around on eggshells because I fear another "outburst". When it is over I feel like I have been physically beaten up. Then I feel stupid when I think of of all the people who do get beat and think I have nothing to complain about.
A serious problem that I have about this is that he denies that it ever happened. I can't tell if he is lying or if he really can't remember...but I think he's ashamed to admit it because he knows it's wrong. It is usually just my word against his that this "verbal" incident ever took place. He has accused me of making it up due to some patholigical need for dramma. I've considered recording him somehow, but ethically speaking...I don't know.
These outbursts will be the end of us. I can't even talk to him about it because he will just blow up about how it never happened...I've tried.
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Yeah, I suspect a lot of us will find much of that familiar - along with the mind games of making us out to be crazy, so that we start to doubt our own sanity. I think a question all of us can ask ourselves now and then is "What am I getting out of this relationship that is good, and is there some less expensive way of getting it, that doesn't steal my soul?"
Thank you for that post, it is very relevant to me today. I have known these things all along about my ex, that is why I left. Yet it is still happening because after cutting off contact as well, I allowed him the chance to speak and I listened. Sometimes I wonder if these kinds of people seek out others who listen and are patient and kind. He would say to me I love you and then if I said I have been hurt too much in the relationship I am a b***, I must 'obviously' have someone else. I sense a lot of insecurity behind it. This was part of my experience: when he felt lonely and like he wanted to be with me he would say to me in private that he acknowledges things that he has done, that he's sorry, that I 'deserve' someone like him (ha!)... then in public would say I was making all those things up, I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm the one with the problem... It's crazymaking. When we were living together he would do thing that chip away at your sanity, like try to trip me up as he would walk by, or whisper 'd*ck' or 'loser' as he walked by me if someone else was around then if I reacted and said to the person 'did you see that??' he'd point to me and say 'see? Look at her, cuckcoo'... In the days when the baby's cot was in our room I would go to lie down in bed to go to sleep and if he was drunk and wasn't happy with me he'd drag me by the ankles out of the bed or rip the covers off, and say 'it's *my* bed' and make me sleep on the couch. I said no because I was breastfeeding and wasn't about to sleep on the couch so he pulled the sleeping baby out of the cot to try to take it to the couch with him. It felt like a living hell. And to this day he still trys to tell me he loves me and wants to be together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maria123 wrote: We cannot change what we do not acknowledge so just for today if this helps one person, I feel I am fulfulling God's (my HP) purpose.
Yours in love and recovery,
Maria
Maria I so agree with you and ... I just bought this book a little over a week ago I Thank You for posting this.
I also highly recommend a book that is similar to:The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans Titled: Stalking The Soulby Marie – France Hirigoyen I was told of this book quite a few years ago and -Wow, what a validating read it is has been for me!
I am thankfully no longer in an abusive relationship. It was with outside help and reading (such literature) I found the knowledge that confirmed that it was not just me or my imagination as I was told (and once believed true) from my ‘loved’ one. It is, imho, very empowering to find I was not alone.
I now understand Power in new way -As being a combination, that is not perfect, of both strength and vulnerability.
I went from being a person with no power to a human with power of good qualities –I have found my inner strength without being submissive, being careful not to give away my own personal power for the expense of others (as Al-Anon teaches me – by placing me first)
I like to believe I have changed from being a victim of abuse to a survivor, with newfound healthy strengths, who isgrowing everyday
Also adding that this has been a spiritual journey for me as well. I just can not express what working the Al-Anon program with this knowledge has done for me. (((((( Maria )))))) again, I thank you for this topic and sharing your own point of view care and wishes, t
WOw, that was right on dear friend, I always look forward to your post...I was so verbally abused for so very long.....thank God I finally got myself out...
My ex told me I didn't think logically, I needed brain surgery, I was crazy. I had my hair done one day and it looked really good. I was so happy. He told me, "I didn't know you were that sexy." I felt very confused and couldn't understand what was wrong. Everything and anything I did became grounds for put downs. He would put me down in front of his friends too. He would tell me he cared about me one minute and humiliate me the next. My head was spinning with confusion while my heart was being murdered. It is so crazy what happens that you have a difficult time pin pointing what is really going on.
wow, you just said it all. thank you for this post. one thing i have noticed lately [and this is just for my situatution] the more i LET GO AND LET GOD, the more my husband lets go of his abusive hold on me.
Sometimes I think I am both. I know I am sometimes verbally abusive to my kids and was to my A. But I feel all the feelings of the victim too so I must have received it as well???? Confusing. How do you differentiate between saying something unnice that needs to be said and being verbally abusive?
Carolina: I think the difference is: if you are able to leave the room, then there is no need for verbal or physical retaliation. If you find yourself saying 'I called you a loser because I had to/ because I was angry/because you wouldn't leave me alone' when you could have left the room instead to collect yourself.
