The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is a binge drinker, and this week, I figured that it was about that time again. I was right. He makes it look like its all business-related and "necessary"....it's such a challenge to watch the denial....and stay in my happy place.
I was proud that I had gotten myself to the most peaceful place I've been ....ever! Thanks to this site, and the f2f meetings. Unfortunately, it feels like all is going to be well, and then the binge starts up again....and, I get so discouraged.
I'm sure that I must be doing something wrong...not detaching correctly, or something. He came home from work last nite and talked non-stop, I couldn't get a word in. (If I try, he talks louder. It's like I'm invisible.) He was telling me what our weekend plans were going to be...laying it all out for me...very authoritative. I was soooo turned off already. Then....he started picking his nose. I mean....."drilling" right in front of me! Like, his whole forearm up his nose....over and over (you get the picture) I just couldn't take it anymore and I finally said, "GEEEEZ! PLEASE GRAB A TISSUE!!!!"
This made him very angry! So he's ignoring me now. Who knows what today will bring, but I am sure I will need to be "punished" for this somehow.
I just don't know what to do...when he turns into a "steamroller" and is in his own little world like this. My serenity is destroyed because....we had lovely plans last nite. And he ruined it AGAIN!
You are not doing anything wrong. This is not about you. Seems he has control issues on top of everything else.
You are doing something right however. You are not allowing denial to keep you in the dysfunction. You came here to post. If you can, don't feed into the silent treatment. Don't let him ruin your day. Get out and do something nice for you. Call a friend. Go for coffee or tea. Pick up your Courage to Change book and sit peacefully reading. So much to do, so little time
and most of all, Keep coming here. When we have the courage to change, it dilutes the negative thinking.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hi DeeDee.. I wholeheartedly agree with Maria.. Part of the process of this program is to help yourslf no matter what. Make some plans of your own today. Something that will help bring your spirits it. Not only will you feel better, it will show your A his controlling tactics will no longer work on you. Often the reason for the control/manipulation is to make you as miserable as they are. Don't buy in to it..Have a great day!! You can do it and you're worth it!!
Christy
*Nothing changes if nothing changes *When I got busy I got better
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think you said it all when you said it was a turn off. (However I found the nose drilling part pretty funny, sorry).. I lived like that for a long time, I could not have a normal conversation with him when he was drinking, and it got to the point I would start resenting it because if we had had plans or made plans earlier in the week I'd feel let down and like he'd ruined it. I'm sure it's not deliberate but it doesn't change the fact that they have pretty much checked out and it's like someone's replaced him with a clone that looks like him but is not him. Funny, it's turn-off to us, but at the time they think they are funny and charming. Haha. My ex used to say he thought he was a 'happy drunk'. I would call it obnoxious. He'd also repeat himself. And sometimes I'd get so fed up I'd have fun with it and finish his story for him and he'd say 'wow!! How did you know that happened?' Uh... there is no way to respect someone when they are like that.
Main thing is I used to start anticipating the binges and that turned me into a monster. I'd get tired of his stupid stories, the 'nose drilling' type idiosyncrasies and start telling him what I think of him. I would not advise doing that. If could go back to where you are I would have gone out to the movies with a friend or something. Just never made plans with him to avoid disappointment. Drifted apart. To be honest I would have still left him. But cannot speak for you.
hi (((DeeDee))) thanks for the post. your doing great! Your here. Welcome and so glad you found MIP. wanted to say that its a great place and truly wonderful support here. a safe place. please keep coming back. Alanon helps me to see that I can find ways to let go of those things I didnt cause, can not control and can not cure. BUT ~ I CAN take care of Me learning and applying acceptable, healthy, ways to continue to love the one that drinks and/or is using drugs.
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT SO WORK IT YOUR WORTH IT!!
((BigHuG))) Take Care of You ~ Let Go and Let God Keep Looking uP KEEP COMIN' BACK
Remember, no matter what YOU do, it won't stop his binges. That's not why you are doing it. You're right, though, it is a lot harder to find your "happy place" when he is being obnoxious. Oh well, at least you get chances to practice.... null
My A was a binger also and I always could tell when it was going to happen.....sort of a jekyl and hyde sort of thing with mine.....his whole attitude, tone, everything would change. In a way I came to appreciate the warning......it gave me time to plan something to do for me and something for me to do with the little ones, since I knew he was not going to be around to do whatever we were supposed to. Basically gave me the heads up to be ready with my plan B. So I would take the kids to the park, swimming or something else they liked (they were around 5,4,4 at the time) and then I would either stop and rent myself a few movies or send my oldest son out to get them for me as well as some snacks so I would have something to do after I put the kids to bed. Some evenings I would call a friend I haven't spoken to for awhile, maybe a nice bubble bath and paint my nails, read a good book....something that was just for me.
But even with the warning he was gonna be out and running there was nothing I could do to stop it, just like there was nothing I did to cause it. (3 C's) I admit it took me awhile to grasp this, but after I did I was so much happier and in some ways came to enjoy those evenings alone. And I have the memories of being with the kids, watching them have fun instead of thinking back and remembering how I sat angry and resentful....wasting all of that time.
You guys are AWESOME! Thank you so much for the replies. I've learned a lot in the past few days because of YOU. Perhaps, most eye-opening....(and I don't understand why I'm STILL so naive)...No matter how I much "I" change, it won't stop his drinking. That is probably why I felt soooo disappointed.... I hadn't really processed that.
Anyway...
I did make myself go out this weekend....for a beautiful drive at the MetroPark, to see the water and the trees, and the spacious sky overhead! I will need to do that more often, as I always REMEMBER there...how much HP cares for me. I will have a Plan B next time.
Thank you again! Every word is such a blessing to me.
Your here. 
and so glad you found MIP. wanted to say that its a great place and truly wonderful support here. a safe place. please keep coming back. 
Alanon helps me to see that I can find ways to let go of those things I didnt cause, can not control and can not cure. BUT ~ I CAN take care of Me 
learning and applying acceptable, healthy, ways to continue to love the one that drinks and/or is using drugs. 
YOUR WORTH IT!!
You ~ Let Go and Let God 
KEEP COMIN' BACK