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As I posted earlier this week my AH has been home all week with the kids because there has been no work with his company. He works on contract stuff now and its really dried up. So he's been doing as much as he can with them, trying to keep them busy, but still feeling depressed and bored. He ran out of pot earlier in the week and I just braced myself for what may come along. He had started smoking again in November and at first said its just for the weekend. Yea right!! That lead to smoking it every night and smoking a lot of it.
Thursday night he went out with some friends to play music and of course part of it was to get stoned too. So he came home and I just asked if he were feeling better, he said no, then fessed up to something he'd done. He said he went out shopping that day and bought a few things then took $20 to buy marijuana. Well, he knew we didn't have that money, it was already spent and the check had not been posted yet. Now normally I would have blown up, freaked out, went into panic mode. I just didn't this time. I verbally acknowledged to him my disappointment and said I'm not going to let you destroy my peace and serenity. I basically said I'm so tired of letting these little antics of yours destroy me emotionally. Then I said, very diplomatically don't you think there may be a problem when you feel that desperate for pot that you allow yourself to spend money we don't have, and allow the checks to bounce and fees on top of fees to accrue. Don't you think there might be something wrong with that? Well yes... he says. Now I don't how physically addicted someone gets to pot, but I know psychologically it can be pretty bad. He says well I think I'm more psychologically dependent on it. He said I guess I've just substituted pot for alcohol huh? No argument from me on that one.
He asked me to do research on anything he could do to take the edge off the withdrawels, meaning the anxiety while he detoxes. So, I looked and found an interesting website about homeopathic releif to anxiety, depression, anger, etc. They are just calming herbs, some people smoke them, some make tinctures, or take in a pill form. So after work he asked me if he could come to the health food store to buy some of these items. We did, put it on the CC of course. He made himself some herbal tea with a cocktail of herbs that is supposed to calm a person's nerves, mind, etc. Well, he said he felt it... some can make a person sleepy. He was manageable last night. We had a decent conversation and he went to bed at a decent hour and slept fine.
For me the big accomplishment is that I managed to stay calm, I detached enough to not let his actions/behaviors become so monumental in my life that I can't think about anything else. He wanted to borrow money from his Dad to "bail" him out. I just no that's not o.k. we will just have to deal with whatever happens. I'm tired of him going to other people to fix his financial dilhemmas. Its time that he suffer the consequences and that means I will have to suffer a little too, but if it helps him to "see" the problem then so be it. Luckily... nothing bounced. This time anyway.
Living One Day with Peace and Serenity, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
sounds like a very healthy way for you to handle this situation!! good job for you.
we would love it if our loved ones would wake up one day & become accountable for their actions but usually they become accountable when they are forced to be accountable.
continue taking good care of that peace & serenity, rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Aloha TwinMom...good work on yourself. You might want to remember that his recovery work is "his" recovery work and he needs to be responsible for finding the way and doing the work. You are tired of him having others try to bail him out so stay tired and let him do his own research. That way he can be proud of the effort and results of his search for recovery.
The disease is not about thinking...it is about compulsion. Compulsion hits the body and nervous system first and then the spirit, emotions and physical a bit after. He is compulsed to use and that comes from the sub-conscious not conscious. There is a habit that is envolved...the using habit and it contains people, places and things that he has made a part of his behavior. The disease has him use rationalization and justification to use the methods he does including the justification of using money that isn't there. Addicts suffer from guilt and shame but not so much that is causes them to stop and arrest the compulsion. When they give up the rationalizations, justifications and get honest and willing to stop using to the same degree that they used to get stoned they will have reached the turning point in their habit.
Our addiction and habit is enabling...taking over their responsibilities and shouldering the consequences then getting just as sick or sicker than they do. I had to arrest this compulsive behavior and then the thinking in order for things to get right for me. Then my suffering diminished.
"They are not bad people. They are sick people and we are sicker because we enable the process to happen and continue unchecked." I heard that at an early Al-Anon meeting and it started to make all the sense in the world to me. When I stopped doing for her, she had to find other enablers or how to do it for herself. She did both and then went into recovery. That is how it works. He can do it and there are a gazillion other recovering people that he can go to to seek help. They are the ones that know how...I didn't.
Keep working on your detatchment. Get the pamphlet on Detachment from the local Al-Anon meeting or from this site or Hazeltons or where ever and don't forget to get the "Alcoholism, a merry-go-round called denial" both are very enlightening and helpful.
I can't truly say I understand, but I feel for what he is going through. On the other hand, I know very well the feeling of running out of money and being expected to "come up with it" somehow to save the day.
Before Alanon, we borrowed money from her folks, my folks, cashed in bonds... all sorts of things. I knew we were just doing it wrong, but I felt guity about running short. It was sick.
You are doing the right thing... nobody is going to die from being frugal for a few days. Just might try to not do that next time.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am a hard time staying peaceful and serene. My brother has mI beside alchol. He needs treatment and refuse to go. We are letting him spend time in jail My parents are disabled as well as myslf.
Now I don't how physically addicted someone gets to pot, but I know psychologically it can be pretty bad. He says well I think I'm more psychologically dependent on it. He said I guess I've just substituted pot for alcohol huh? No argument from me on that one. 
