The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I am new to this site and want to give some background...I am 45 years old and married, I have no children (thank God) and a 12 pound, spoiled rotten pomeranian. My husband has a drinking problem. We have been married for a little over five years. He is an independant sales representative, meaning he works from our home (you can imagine how that works so well for him with his drinking). In 2003 he was let go from a very good job. It had nothing to do with the alcohol but had everything to do with the reason it has gotten so bad. He has not gotten back on his feet. We had a beautiful 2700 square foot home (with a huge mortgage payment). About a year after he was let go, we realized we could not pay for that house. We had been using investments to pay for it. Thank God we had enough equity in it to pay for a nice townhouse. I have a great job with a salary that is enough to support us. However, that $450 - $500 he spends each month on alcohol and his one tin a day tobacco would come in handy for savings and "extras". I can't even go to the grocery store without him questioning me as soon as I get home about how much I spent. I have some wonderful friends who are very supportive (my boss included). My salary is the reason we still have what we do. The problem with the finances is that his father always paid their bills when he was growing up and my husband thinks it's a "man's job". He has said I will take away his manliness if I take over the bills. He has started to let the bills go and we are being charged late fees and getting overdraft fees charged because he isn't managing the accounts properly. I went to a substance abuse counselor (paid for through an employee assistance program at work). This counselor was helpful and gave me some good advice. He did advise me to continue to see someone but the money isn't there to pay for it. I have gone to a couple of lectures and today will attend my first Alanon meeting. Earlier this week I told his sister and his brother everything. That helped a lot but they keep making comments about me "having some place to go" because I am taking over the bills and putting my paycheck into an account in my name only. They are worried for my safety. I don't want to abandon my home to loose it later. I haven't told him that I am taking over the finances. He will be furious. He has never hurt me but there are constant, extreme arguments with screaming and yelling. He gets up in my face and yells and spits on me and there have been times I've shoved him away or slapped his face and he thinks that means it's OK to slap or shove me back. He has, and I'm not defending him or lying about it, but it's never been truly violent and, again, he's never hurt me. I am normally a very independant person and will stand up for myself so I would not lie about that. It just gets to the point that I can't take it and I think that's all I can do. The therapist told me I can't argue with him when he's drunk. I've read up on it a bit and keep seeing the word "enabler". I'm an enabler if I don't have my glass of wine for days and days because he gets made and says I think I'm better than him. If I do have my glass of wine with dinner or to relax on a Friday night after a long week, he thinks that means his drinking is OK. It's a double-edged sword. I would appreciate any thoughts, advice, ensight from any of you. Thanks! Elli
i am a forty six soon to be forty seven year old grateful member of alanon. i can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your post. keep coming back. you are in the right place.
Welcome to MIP! I am so glad you found us. This message board is such a wonderful place to vent, receive ESH (experience, strength, & hope), and to be with others who know EXACTLY what you are going through!
My AH is also in sales with no set hours. It is not conducive to a sober lifestyle! The alcoholic mind is not able to rationalize how its behavior affects anyone else but itself. It is a sad way to live. In terms of finances, I just recently asked my AH to take over the bills because he had no clue how much we need to bring in to cover our bills and his drinking. What a wake up call for him! At the same time, I began putting into savings a paycheck that we used to use for our household bills. Fortunately, he knows I am doing it and he knows it is for the best.
I totally understand your point about how he interprets your drinking!! I used to drink with him every night with the foolish thought that I need to drink some of the wine or he will drink all of it (which was true). Slowly I realized that I was drinking more than I wanted to, and he was getting plastered regardless. I started drinking a lot less. One night when he was plowed and realized that I hadn't had a drop he said, "why are you making me kill myself?" It was unreal.
Al anon is a godsend! Find a face to face meeting if you can. Get all of the newcomer literature and read the AA Big Book's "Chapter to the Wives." Melody Beatty's "Codependent No More" is also a great book. One of the big lessons you will learn is that it is pointless to discuss anything of importance with him while he is intoxicated. It is a hard lesson to learn, but extremely valuable. Learn the program, use the tools, focus on yourself, and have patience. You can find happiness whether he drinks or not. God Bless and Welcome! Babysteps
Welcome to MIP and your recovery. You are not alone. I am in a simular situation in many ways. My Wife works for the school, so she is home hours before me and off during the summer. Over the last 5 or 6 years the summer has marked an increase in her daily drinking. Being at home alone is too much of a temptation for someone with an out of control drinking problem.
One thing to consider about this disease. It is a family disease. We all end up playing a part in it. Please don't take that to mean you caused his drinking, you didnt. But you are affected as I am sure you are aware.
You can't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking and you can't cure his disease, but there is alot you can do for yourself reguardless of if he continues to drink or not. that is what this program is all about.
Again, welcome and know we are all here for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
By all means if you are going to stay with an A, put everything in your name, not his and keep an account he cannot get into.
The disease will take everything. Already took his job and your home. That there is two very big red flags.
I did not even think to protect me. I have been fighting to this day to keep my home. I have NO vehicle, he ruined them all.
I married him sober on program. I had my own bought house, new jeep and pickup, money in the bank going to college in my late fourties and working full time.
Seven years later, here i am no vehicle, moving back to my bunkhouse/cabin, renting my home out, someone pays my phone/internet I have no tv and am wondering how to pay my power bill. I about freeze as I won't turn the heat on unless it is so cold I cannot bear it.
I have no really presentable cloths, wearing them out, I run out of food sometimes. I get donations for my animal sanctuary. I am on disability for things including the shoulder he tore up.
So I know your future if you do not protect you and him for that matter. HE is very sick and the disease will pull you down too.
glad you are here. It saved my life finding this place seven years ago. love,debilyn oh and btw, I have found serenity and am usually happy, I never see him.
I just got back from my first face to face Alanon meeting. They made me feel very welcome. I heard a lot of things that I could relate to. Did a lot of crying. I will go back. Thanks for all the kind words and the nice welcome. Elli
Welcome Elli I think it's important that you at least get involved with paying the bills.
My husband felt the same as yours does about it. I finally got him to let me take over. It was then I realized why we were in such a financial mess. He was not only drinking, he had a cocaine addiction. I wasn't aware, until I started looking over the finances, how much money he was spending. I wish I'd taken over our bills sooner.
I opened a checking account in my name and made sure he couldn't access it. I started using that for the bills.
I had to leave my husband in order to protect my future. He refused to get help or change in any way. He lost his job because of his addictions. He has done nothing to pull himself out of the hole he's in. He's done nothing to contribute to paying any of the bills he incurred. He has dropped all the responsibility on me.
Do what ever it takes to protect your future. Don't let him pull you down with him. Take care of you!
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Welcome to the MIP family. Glad you found a f2f meeting. You will find lots of support here and in your local meetings. If you can't make it to a meeting in person, please join us here online.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
His attitude about your drinking is exactly why you can't reason with an A - no matter what you do, he will change the rules halfway through, so that you can't win. The only way is to stop playing the game. It took me a long time to realize that he wasn't interested in solving our problems, or dealing with them, but only in twisting things so I was kept offbalance, and he could continue to get away with feeding his addiction. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and if he doesn't like it, well, so what? He's yelling at you all the time anyway, right? May as well have a reason. If you feel that you are not safe, get out - even if it is just for the night. I checked into a couple of motels in the middle of the night, myself.
