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My ex (A) keeps calling me and asking me what the state of affairs is in our 'relationship' (we have been separated a year now). Just before New Years Eve he said he wanted to stop drinking. He said that last New Years Eve, it never happened. Nothing has changed, only the story is getting a little tired now, from my point of view. I still believe he is drinking or will drink. Unfortunately I still said I would give him a chance, as I did last NYE, as of course I keep hoping a new year will bring a new way of life. WRONG!
Most recent event: when we separated our 2 dogs stayed with him. Now animal control has said there have been barking complaints because my ex is never home, he has been here with me and our son. So (I can't help thinking this is convenient for him) he says he has to be home every night to make sure they don't bark. He says he would like to come over for dinner every night and put son to bed then go home, and he wants to have a relationship with me at the same time. I said I just can't do that because I don't trust him when he's not with me, and how long would that last anyway, I can't see us living together again anytime soon, if at all. Things are too far gone and I can't see it working.
So, he keeps calling me, saying I'm not being understanding. I said to him he should have thought about this when he made his choices along time ago to choose beer over having a family and all that we had. I know that was probably very wrong to say, but I felt I couldn't help my self. Our 19mo son is with him alone tonight and my ex called me again to 'talk' and I'm sure he's been drinking. I said to him if we weren't ever to be together anymore, would he drink and he said yes, but not when our son is with him. I just wanted to scream and rip my hair out with frustration. I have gotten to the point where I feel nothing for him any more -you know how they say that even feeling anger for someone means you are still engaged in feelings for them, there is a thin line between love and hate etc.. I feel completely indifferent -he hangs up on me and I don't even care. I just feel peace, indifferent. No more knot in the stomach or feeling of wanting to chase him, get him to say something nice to me again, to like me.. All I care about now is the wellbeing and safety of my son. How can my ex want to continue to pursue a relationship with me knowing how much it has hurt me, and how much he can't stand me reacting to his drinking, why won't he give it up???? Why is he in so much denial, how can a human being be soo trapped in this cycle of dependance??? He says he doesn't like it yet he keeps doing it. So I have been sitting at home tonight worrying about my son and hoping nothing happens because now I feel like just turning my back on my ex completely, he can do what he likes just don't hurt our son.
Our definition of insanity .... doing the same things over and over again..expecting different results.
In my life, I have done this over and over and over again....then wonder why nothing ever changes. It takes a lot of prayer and different actions on my part to start seeing different results. Taking care of you and your son is number 1.
You can't babysit a grown man. He needs to find the desire within himself to find sobriety. Remember the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. I sense that you need to work on detaching from his mess. Remember to take care of yourself and your son, set some boundaries and seek serenity in your life no matter how uncomfortable it becomes for him. Best, Babysteps
hey let me ask you something. How would you feel if someone babysat your son and they were drunk????? Just becuz this is your husband, makes no difference at all, this is negligence!!!!!!
I in now way would sit there and talk about my son possibly being hurt. I would hitchhike if I had to go get my precious child, and would not have allowed the A to have him in the first place knowing he uses!!!!!
He is very, very sick. Would you leave your child with a diabetic that was going thru hypoglycemia? A cancer patient in pain and on major pain meds????
Your husband cannot think logically, he is using. There is no talking, there is nothing when an A is using and not on program.
It is not your fault as the disease is pulling you in too. I am willing to bet, once you stop talking with him and let go, you will kick yourself for allowing him to take your son.
I am sorry if I sound cold. I say this out of my own experience. I never allowed my children to go thru any of A bs.
Of course he wants to play house and go home and use. That is the disease. He wants you to feed him, be his mistress, be responsible so the disease can have its fun.
glad you are here. "Getting Them Sober" is a great book.you can get it online for almost nothing.
Thanks Debilyn, I definitely hear what you are saying. I have spoken to my lawyer, sought a second opinion from another lawyer, spoken to counsellors, friends.. We have a custody arrangement whereby he has our son for the weekend incl. Friday and Sat night as this is only time he can see him. Perhaps I could try to put across to him that he come put son to bed here everynight then go home, instead. But really I don't want a relationship with him anymore. So I can't just go to his house randomly to check if he's drinking, he doesn't have to talk to me or let me in and I can't go over there on the hunch that he may have been drinking because he doesn't have to let me in. I have spoken to the police about this and they don't like to get involved unless he is threatening to physically hurt our son, which he hasn't, I don't think he would. That doesn't mean he could not fall asleep and leave the stove on or something, or play loud music and rant and rave.. What it comes down to is that I (and lawyers, friends etc) want him to have a relationhip with his son. So nothing can be done unless he does something really bad, or is caught out so I can prove it -even then all I can do legally is keep a record of it for incase he applies for more custody. Even if I bothered to get the court to 'tell him off' or give him a warning, the most they could do is send him to a men's group or fine him. None of which would do any good and would only cost me in legal fees.
Isn't that horrible!! Geez lady, can you imagine if a child care worker was drunk when he/she had kids to babysit. It would be on the front page of the newspaper!
I reread my post and it sounded mean. I did not mean to at all. I hate this disease and what it does to nice people. Here your A wants to love his son, but the disease puts his baby in jeopardy!
It is so sad as so many fathers ignore their kids and here he is doing his best. Breaks my heart for all three of you!
Isn't it weird that some people have to blow in a breathalizer to drive a car, but can step right in and have a child to be responsible for?
I kicked out my first husband when he drove home with my babies drunk. It was awful. He was a very loving man too. so sad.
He was killed from being drunk and getting ran over.
My second husband not married back then, came over caused a racus racous? and I sent him away, got a restraining order, and did not see him for 18 years.
Then married him when he had been on program a long time, was wonderful until he had a brain surgery, med. relapse and brain damage, bye A. Took me 7 years to get him out of my life. He is still in my heart but he is dead. i mean the husband I married is not him anymore.
Anyway you are a bright lady, protecting as best as you can. Talking to him sober maybe you can discuss how he feels about using when he has the baby.
UPDATE: So last night he called me again and I told him I don't see how a relationship with him will ever happen, I don't trust him about the drinking to have a relationship with us living separately and definitely not living together. Then he calls me this morning like nothing happened. So weird I said why do you keep calling me. Then I felt bad and called him and he sounded like he'd been drinking! And it's Sat. so our son was with him. I called back around 9PM hoping our son would be asleep and we could talk. Son was crying and my ex sounded even more drunk. I couldn't believe it was happening again. I drove over to his place, and he seemed drunk to me, I mean I had lived with it for so long. I went to pick up my son out of his cot and strapped him into the carseat of my car - I turned around and my ex was standing there and wouldn't let me shut the door. Then he took our son and went back inside so I called the police. They came after an agonising 20 minutes waiting. And guess what they didn't believe me!! The policeman said that because he couldn't smell any alcohol and he wasn't falling down drunk and baby was asleep that he was happy to leave baby there. Even went so far as to say I seemed PARANOID! I couldn't believe it. I told them of the history, they said take it up with your lawyer. I said to him would he leave his child with a babysitter that was drunk and he said no, but since he is the father he is allowed to drink. He was making out like I just have an axe to grind with my ex and want him arrested and kept from his son. Now I feel completely helpless and going out of my mind. The policeman also said 'you can't just go around to his house randomly all the time to see if he's drinking..' ugggh as if that's what I was doing. Got better things to do, guy. I can't believe my ex said to my face when he opened the door that he hadn't been drinking, then the policeman said my ex told him that he had had a few earlier in the afternoon when his aunty came over. I know for a fact she never came over, because my ex was calling me all day and nobody was over there. I'm furious. Because he lied again, to my face, that I was made to look like a paranoid freak .... ugggh. This is the absolute Pits.
Oh, gee, what a mess. Time to step back I think and do some thinking. If you have a sponsor, this is something that she could help you with - there are a lot of different things going on, and you need to sort them out. Personally, I never had a problem leaving the kids with my husband, if he knew in advance that he would be responsible for them. He would drink, but not get drunk (a lot of A's call it 'maintainence drinking'), as long as the kids were with him. Once I got home, that was license to let the stops out. If your A is not like that, and can't be trusted not to get plastered when the boy is with him, then this is something that will have to be dealt with in the custody order. It is not good for the baby to be left with someone who has had a few, but it is also not good for him to be involved in a struggle between you two. Time to be the sane and sober parent here, assess the danger realistically, and act accordingly. If necessary, limit access to the boy, legally. You are never going to be completely rid of your A, as long as you have a child together. Therefore, it's up to you to find a way to detach, to let go of his drinking. I would find this almost impossible if he is coming over every night to put the baby to bed. You would feel the need to monitor his everyday drinking, and that is just not possible. Expecting an active A to be sober every night at bedtime is just unrealistic - it's not gonna happen, so you are setting the situation up for failure. Remember - what he does when not with you is none of your business. The only part that is yours is how he treats you and the baby. I don't know if you go to face to face meetings, but please try, if not. Get a sponsor if you haven't got one, find someone who can help you honestly look at your motivations for your actions. I see a lot of attempts to control here, and that is leading you into trouble. Just take a deep breath, listen for your HP, and remember that the only actiions you are responsible for are your own.
Your babysitting is NOT going to keep him from drinking. This I know!!! But please take care of the two dogs. They don't deserve to be left alone and neglected.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you all soo much for you replies. I admit I was getting caught in the moment, and reactionary (if that is a word). After having slept on it last night I realised some things: -Yes, the baby was asleep, he does love his son, he may have been drinking but there is a chance (I can't say 100%) that he would not hurt him. -A lot of what was behind my reaction to him was a feeling of betrayal that he had been working on me for the last month to trust him, saying that he had stopped drinking for himself and because he wanted us to be together and he said he realised it is a problem for him. He had actually come and stayed at my place a couple of times and now I just feel foolish and really just mad at myself for giving a chance against my better judgement/gut feelings. -The other feelings behind it were memories of how horrible it was for me when I was living with him and all that I went through, I guess I wanted to protect my son from that, but maybe he doesn't see my son in the same way as he does me. But my son is 19 months old, they are like a sponge, his future personality is being written every day based on experiences, and he looks up to his dad as a model. This is not like if we were living together I would take care of my son while his dad drinks. He is alone with him. -I don't want to control what my ex does, I could care less if he drinks himself to death, I just don't want my son witnessing it. I told my ex numerous times that if he feels he must, he can just call me and I'll have our son for the night. But it is this denial that it is not a problem that keeps him from doing that.
I hear what you are saying about the 1or 2 'maintenance drinks', I also know lots of other parents that have a few drinks at home when their kids are there. But at the end of it do they turn the stereo up and start swearing and ranting and raving and trying to wrestle with everyone and kick the dog? I doubt it.
I know there is absolutely NOTHING I can do. I had a good cry this morning. I am really just mad at myself for not keeping up the boundaries I had in place and letting him back in, now I just feel used and betrayed and no one to blame but myself. I was feeling sorry for myself. Angry for having thoughts like 'if only he'd stop drinking then I wouldn't have to be a single mother, we could have our life back together'. CRAZY!!
All I can do is pray for my son. Funny, I'm not religious, but found myself praying to higher power as I was driving over there and really what did it do for me?? Is this what is supposed to happen? I have lot to learn still obviously.
