The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am the mother of a recoverying drugaddict/alcoholic who keeps choosing the same kind of boyfriends. She is involved in AA and is getting counseling and trying so hard to change. Yet, she keeps choosing to date the same kind of guys that hurt her and were very bad for her. Sure some say her "picker" is the problem, but I am wanting to know any specific program or research reasons why this is. I know people go to the familiar but when someone is actively trying to change, how do they actually do that? Serenity
We often only go with what we know until we find the awareness and then courage to change. I always went with what was safe for me even though it was crazy I knew how to be a part of something. Our definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results."
One of the things that helped me was a sponsor that put me on a two year diet from starting another relationship. It was near impossible and then I got better at it. The problem is with me and not so much with who I pick. Anyone I pick will not be perfect and they will be human and mostly from recovery because a person in recovery stands a better chance.
In recovery we get close to others...very close. This of course is not justification to start an intimate relationship with another sick person yet we do have something in common that gives us hope and that is this spiritual program of recovery that when worked well helps keep the balance.
I keep my relationships in this category; God first, myself next and all others after that. I don't know how to love another unless I recognize the unconditional love from my HP and what it's like to take best care of myself. Practicing unconditional love with another is at times difficult to impossible yet we learn how to do this. Some days we have to and some days we don't. Some days others have to practice this with us like HP has to always.
Being a mother/parent of a recovering alcoholic/addict qualifies you for the Al-Anon Family Groups and I'll bet there is a chair saved just for you at the nearest face to face meeting. Look for the hot line number in the white pages of you phone book or call AA or NA and ask them where the Family Groups meet or Family services or the hospital or your church. There are many institutions that can lead you to us including this site.
Thank you John F for your reply. I am involved in face to face meetings and have been a member for sometime. My daughter's sponsor sort of abandoned her when she had another boyfriend that her sponsor did not approve. After the breakup the sponsor took here back. I thought that was not right since it was not unconditional friendship, but oh well. She is getting alot of negative comments again from AA members even though she works her program hard and chairs meetings. I am just trying to understand this more for my own journey too. I am married to a spouse with dry drunk behavior who is an ACOA. My daughter did not date for 6 months and was hoping to wait a year before dating this new guy. He is not in AA. Her behavior is actually different than the times before and I do see positive changes. Thanks for sharing your ESH with me. It sure helps for more understanding in my mind and in my program in alanon. Serenity
One thing about the 'broken picker' (and I hope this does not create an anti AA firestorm, that is not my intention) - a lot of A's pick a sponsor who is not that steady in the program themselves. One thing to keep in mind about AA is that it is a group of alcoholics (yeah, news flash there, eh?) - they are all in different stages of recovery. If the sponsorship relationship has so broken down that a sponsor cuts off a sponsee, that is a sign that there is something quite wrong here. Maybe it is the sponsor, maybe it is your daughter, maybe it is both of them but someone here is not approaching the situation honestly. I agree wholeheartedly with a dating diet; I think most alanoners would benefit from one too.
I've heard said many, many times in this program..They are going to do what they are going to do. The 3 C's apply. We have to let them walk their own path, find their own way and step back. She is going to do what she is going to do.
The real question is: What are you going to do for you?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well in my opinion the person who needs to change will figure it all out in time all by themselves with no help from us. or Not. MYOB works = mind your own business. Also saves u alot of stress we still can't do this for them its there trip step aside and allow them to do it thier way . Louise
Thank you all for the replies. Yes, minding my own business is what I am doing with her, although since I have a husband that I may not stay married to, seeing other's replies on this is very helpfull. The more we know, the more we can change and understand. And that is what I am doing to help me. Serenity
