The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The A has very very few bills to pay anymore yet he regularly lets so many of them go that it is really difficult for me not to say anything. Today I found out that he has let the main telephone line be cut off. That's a new one. I have allowed him to use my cell phone this week, now he is acting like it is his phone. So if anyone needs to contact me its pretty difficult for them to get through to me. If I ever say anything he acts like I am making some huge imposition on him.
He claims to be working but really he can't be if he can't even pay a basic bill. He is also very very quick to insist that no matter what I keep up my share of the bills. I have never let any of my side be cut off. He feels quite free to do it on his side though. Right now I know the electricity bill (which he pays for) will be a lot so I have cut him some slack.
I just find this stuff really super old after a while. I try to be pleasant but at the end of the day I just feel whatever I do is never enough and he always has some lame excuse about how he can be irresponsible.
I have nearly killed myself in the last year keeping up my obligation to the bills. He has not. He was quite happy to spend weeks just playing games and compaining. He made no effort at all. One reason I lent him my phone was so he could get his act together.
These days when he does his whining (funny how he always complained I was the one whining) I just meditate and think Plan B. I use all the al anon tools I can yet at the end of the day I am left with an irresponsible child really. There is not much in there. I am becoming more and he is becoming more child.
I don't over react to it anymore but that is in fact my reality.
I lost count of the phones my A "lost"...........(sold to buy booze)......borrowed mine,then after a few days resented me asking to use it,assuming I had given him mine.Getting real snippy with me then asking me "why don't you get a new one as this one is crap anyway and I can use this and you should have a better one". After a week or so it caused too much aggro to keep asking for my phone back,so would eventually be forced to replace it with another only for the same scenario to be played out a month or so later.
Also lost count of the times when we would get cut off from basic utilities despite me giving him the money to pay the bills.( At the time,all bills had to be paid in person,no banking facilities for direct debits etc then) A would shout and yell at how crap services were here and he'd go down tomorrow and demand it was put back on again since they had made a mistake. Of course,it was usually more than a week before I discovered the bills hadn't been paid,then A would "remember" he meant to pay it but must have forgotten he owed " joe bloggs" money and was going to put the bill off till he got paid and do it then. Of course A wasn't getting paid since he hadn't turned up for work as he was too busy in the park getting wrecked on booze. He would turn up at home at the same time as usual,so I wouldn't realise he wasn't at work. I fell for it far too many times. I'd even question him" are you sure you paid the bill because last time..........................." and he would always give me that little boy lost and hurt look with " darling,don't be silly,OF COURSE I paid it,it's just a silly mistake.How could you even think I would do that again?"
I needed a degree course on how to be one step ahead of him.........and it was totally exhausting.
Good on you for being so much better and stronger than I was at the time. I had only 3 months of Alanon behind me the last time and was still wet behind the ears.
Keep working on that plan B ((((((((Maresie))))))))))
At least you know what is reality...............I was still in cuckoo land.
You're right.............nothing is ever enough. Keep working it (((((((((((((maresie)))))))))
I am willing to bet with all you spend on A, you could find you and your animal family an apt. room in a house, or other lodgings.
How does a phone get someone to get their act together?
There is something holding you there. If you say the truck....rrrrrrrr
Until you are sick enough of all this bs, you will stay there and allow him to use and abuse you. What hold does he have on you?
I don't believe you want to get out of there. The pity pot is getting deeper. Hon you KNOW I care about you. The disease has a HUGE chain on you. Only YOU can break it and get away. If you choose, find a place, get a stand by order from the police and get out of there.
What happens when he has $500 in calls on YOUR phone? There goes your credit.
A truer statement could not be made... I have only just recently added to that... "enough for who?" Their reality when active is not close to reasonable. So how important is it to strive for doing enough of any one thing to get their approval.
I have been comparing it to working with small children. You do things for them and around them because you know its the right thing to do. Will a 4 year old express appreciation? Not really. Will they fuss and carry on if it is not what they wanted? Boy, you bet.
If we agree that an active A is unreasonable.... how much faith to we put in their opinion of us and what we consider right? I am working on that very hard right now.
You hang in there... we will work through all this together. It will just take time.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
