Will I ever feel ready to move on? - Al-Anon Family Group

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Will I ever feel ready to move on?

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((CG)))

I think its just really hard in itself being so used to dealing with our A's, expecting the disappointments that come with loving an A, and then just be able to heal the addiction that we have on them. I know for me when I was separated from my A for a short time I was not physically with him, but I was still emotionally connected. In past relationships where I know I was addicted to their stuff it took a great deal of time before I felt ready to move on. You will know when its time to let go and take a step out. Don't be hard on yourself, maybe give yourself some time to heal a bit first. Just my thoughts. I think you are doing great keep it up.

Peace,
Twinmom~

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

((Carolinagirl))

What's the rush girl? Give yourself some time to discover you by doing the 12 steps. By doing so you'll be able to know exactly who you are and what you want. I believe until we heal, we just don't know what the heck is going on.
Take your time. How about making some new (female) friends at Alanon and enjoy some activities with them?
Keeping busy and enjoying life clears the head and can give a completely different outlook. I had to force myself, but once I did I had a whole new fresh perspective.

Take care,
Christy

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know not being able to manage my own loneliness was one reason I hooked up with the A. It is also one reason I have stayed in so many other kinds of dysfunctional relationships.

I am working on ways to manage it. I know it is a huge factor for why I did not see red flags in the a's behavior.

Maresie.

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel like this alot too. I actually wonder if my ah has ruined me from having a good relationship. I mean really...........what would I do if I actually had a peaceful, loving, trustworthy relationship? Would I have to cause chaos for it to feel "real" since that's what I am used to?
Would I be checking every article of clothing to see if he's hiding something from me? Would I just be "faking" it until the inevitable cheating, lying, manipulation on his part starts?
Sometimes I think "I better stay with ah because that's what I know now". That's what's "normal" for me. Do I actually want to start something like this from the beginning? I wonder if being alone for the rest of my life would be the best thing for everybody.
I've went through counseling.......blah blah blah, I've had the works and I still think this way. It's been six years and still have not dated per se. I have had a one night stand............and though it's not right for everyone, I can't say I feel quilty. I do not regret it one bit. I guess that proved a point to me that I really and truely did not love my ah anymore. (I know what I did was wrong in other peoples eyes) but I am the one that has to live with it and I am just fine.
Sorry to ramble. So anyway, I hope I made you feel SANE....hehehe (((HUGS)))

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things that's come out fairly consistently in therapy for me is that I've been making a list of what I've lost. "No 'family' per se; no 'father figure'; no 'mother'; no 'home'..." As I've been tallying up everything that alcholism the family disease has taken from me, I've been gaining a sense of peace and my personal power back. All of the sudden, I've come to see that alcholism the family disease cannot over take my life again unless I let it. And if I keep working the program, if I keep doing what I suggest to others (take my own suggestions

), then I can live in the freedom I'm beginning to experience.
What if you made a "loss list?" Just sat down and began writing out everything that you've lost because of the family disease of alcholism. Just kept writing--what was it like living in financial instability and insanity? I know for me, living in poverty has created deep feelings of undesevedness; alternatively, whenever I DO have money, I blow through it like "tomorrow's never gonna come" because having money was so fleeting, I would spend it all on myself NOW. That's just a spring board example. I'm sure as a mother, wife, spouse, partner, lover, et cetera, you can think of a whole host of things that the family disease of alcholism took from you. This would also be good to share with your sponsor.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((CG)))))))),

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are grieving for a relationship that once was. And that's okay. We often treat the ending of a relationship like a death in the family. Go ahead and give yourself time to grieve and say goodbye. Much like grieving the loss of a loved one, there is no time limit on this. When you're ready, you'll move on. It's okay to still love him too. In my heart of hearts, I will love my hubby till the end of time. However, should he be active again, I will not be with him. Not because I don't love him. But because I will not die for his disease. Because it would be unhealthy of me to live that life again.

Friendships with others will take place. Maybe you need to try and do something you've always wanted to do. Take a painting class, or join a bookclub, whatever you like. You will meet people with the same interests as yourself. Do what you can to take care of you. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're never alone in the journey of recovery. Remember there is always hope.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.