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My A son is home (not here) from working about 2-3 weeks in the oil patch. He called and I was'nt home so I called him back. He is always down or at least sounds that way to me. He doesn't know when he is going to work again. He never sounds"down" when he talks to other people-just me. So I really try and keep the conversation short and always pretend I have to run. Why does he "dump" on me?--I think I used to alow it but I try not to anymore. What is your take on it?
It sounds like you're allowing yourself to be what melody beattie calls an "Emotional Sponge:" your son has figured out that you're a safe person to vent to, to dump on, to just get it all out on, and he does so whenever he can. In turn, you take on his feelings, failures, whatever he's experiencing as your own (whereas he may just need to really need to just talk and not be judged, given advice, be told what to do, et cetera). This leaves you feeling the emotions of whatever situation he's experiencing: if he's had a bad day with his boss and he's angry about it, you become discouraged, fearful, angry, even though you have no relationship to the boss; if he's discouraged with the crew on the oil field for their lack luster team work, you become fearful, discouraged, anxious, et cetera, even though you have no relationship to the crew.
The key here is to practice detachment and have reflective conversations. "Gee, son, that sounds like something that would be very frustrating; is that what you're feeling?" "Wow, I can't imagine going through that; I'd be really upset with the crew team!" "So what I'm hearing you say is that you got really angry because the safety manager not only didn't show up, but then blamed you for not doing his job; is that what's going on?" This way, you're validating your son's feelings, actively listening to what he needs to talk about, and at the same time asserting that these are HIS FEELINGS. You aren't taking on HIS EXPERIENCES. Later, if asked, you could relate a story about how YOU got through a similar situation (I mean, all of us have been in situations where our jobs have made us bang our head against a wall, want to strangle our bosses, or just felt like tossing in the towel and saying "I'm outta here!")
I think keeping short and sweet is a good thing. He will eventually get the idea that hey maybe I'm trying to put too much off on mom. You might send him a note every now and then, just to say "Hey, thinking of you and hope all is well!" that way he doesn't feel like you stopped caring, but that would be one way to let him know you are on his side w/o having to hear all the "woe as me" stuff. (That is just a thought!!!)
Anyway good luck--I know it isn't any fun having to deal with negative people!
The only thing I can really add from my experience is that, sometimes I need to put up a boundry... like "I can only do 5 minutes a shot at letting her vent". Otherwise it has unhealthy consequenses for me. And we have the option of doing this to take care of ourselves.
My AW does the hours of venting ... of everything.... for all time. But I taught her to do that, by allowing it.
As soon as they realize they are not getting what they wanted out of it... they complain. But many have told me over and over again, you can't create a boundry and then worry about what others think about it.
Take care of you! You are worth it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have a sister who is an active A who will call me (long distance) to vent. She always she needs to talk to someone....the problem has always been she talks, sometimes is yelling and I listen. She would ask for advice and if I didn't give her the answer she wanted she would let me know. Occasionally she would ask how I'm doing and how my family is doing and then go back to her problems. I don't enjoy those conversations. I talked with someone in my f2f group about this and she gave me a few suggestions that have helped. One of them was when my sis tells me about a problem...i say..what do you think you can do about that? The first few times it caught her off guard...and she says well i don't know. I follow up with well, what could you change about that? I remind her that she isn't responsible for someone else's behavior or thoughts. This seems to help. I think when I don't play the game with her which is her venting and me listening for long periods it has helped. I don't seem to get as many of those phone calls as I used to.
Don't know if this helps at all...Keep taking care of you..you are worth it.
I agree with the others about keeping it short and sweet. You know what and how much you can handle and want to handle.
I think he does this because either....you are mom, lol, and kids feel at any age mom will always be there or (like Christy said) wanting some pity. But I guess that goes back to you being mom......mom always feels for the kids right?
