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Today is one of those days for me where I can see the down spiral effects of enabling. My AH has been enabled by someone almost all of his life including me. We have sheltered him and bailed him out of problem after problem and because of that he has no real concept of the world and how it works. He is so immature about life and just the everyday normal routine's that people have such as making a budget, getting groceries, paying taxes. He has this mindset that he can do whatever he wants to do in life without consequences. He just can't seem to grasp that there are rules that people have to live by and that doesn't exclude him. I have been working very hard to stop enabling him, allowing him to experience life without someone handing him alternatives and solutions on a silver platter. No one does that for me or anyone else I know. He gets so upset when he feels he's being challenged on his opinions, his plans, his viewpoints. He cannot handle it when he wants life to work out one way and it doesn't.
The hardest part is the money issues. He has a very selfish mindset. He is not mature enough to make rational choices with his money, and when I try to explain the budget or anything else that needs to be done with money he gets very upset. The most recent is filing taxes. He wants to file single. He believes he'll get a great deal more money back if he does that. Well, in my research I discovered he can't just file single when we were legally married by the end of 2006. Now he believes I'm trying to take something from him, we don't even know how much either of us would get back. Its exhausting some days trying to explain myself over and over again so he'll make sense of it. I can really see how frustrated he gets. He immediately takes defense and boom, I'm the enemy trying to take all his money. I don't understand how I could go from being the "best" in his life one day and the enemy the next. Just venting some frustration today. Thanks for listening.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I can how completely relate to your post! I spent yesterday morning teaching my 40 year old AH how to balance our checkbook! My AH is learning slowly, but is reaping the reward for every new step into life he takes. There are ups and downs, but that too is life. Hang in there, tomorrow will be better.
Re: your taxes. Maybe he would be open to going to a tax service, they are pretty cheap and they will help you get all your money and comply with the law. Good Luck! Babysteps
Your statement is so true. I can see it in my Son and my Wife so clearly now. Their version of reality and what the world owes them is distorted by lack of experience. They have in common that over a period of years they solve problems by complaining... then sit and wait for someone to fix it all.
I really take some of the blame for that... because I wanted them to be happy, so I fixed until my fixer was warn out.
It is now very painful to hear the complaints and blank stares as I let them figure it out for themselves. But even amidst all the chaos, if they are not figuring it out.... they at least have begun to recognise that they need to. LOL
Just like us and our slow departure into being warped and twisted by this disease, they have become this way over some long period of time and it will take quite some time to come out of it.... if at all.
I thing you are doing great, I know it is frustrating 'cause your post has played out in my home many many times. But even if it tests our skills at using our tools, it isn't life threatening and it will pass. Can be a real pisser though.... <smile>
Hang in there, and stick to what you know is right. Let him continue to learn by your example until he is ready to rejoin this world of priorities and responsability.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have huge money issues with the a. He has always had them I can see now. He is either making money or poverty stricken there is no inbetween for him and he is always blaming everyone in the world for it. I no longer get invovled in many of his transactions but nevertheless since I live with him much of the effect of it has an influence on me. I wish I had been able to see these issues earlier and kept my life very separate from his. As I was and still am someone who rushes into relationship as I have abandonment issues I did not. The only way I knew how to deal with my abandonment issues was to enmesh and feel safe that way. Of course there is no safety in a relationship with an A.
