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Hey ((((((((roomies))))))) Well here i go again venting I feel kindof like a broken record but It is what is on my mind!!! My Hubbys Dad Calls him this morning like he does every Sunday morning to tell my hubby that he got his blood test results that he had taken a few weeks ago and had talked with his doc about the results Well My A father in law only had high colestoal (too many bad fats ) and he also told his son he had stopped drinking for 1week 1/2........... NO AA PROGRAM doing this all on HIS OWN!!! My father inlaw is still smoking but is just doing one thing at a time rightnow!!!!
So you all are thinking Great Cool and wonderful you are so lucky that your A father inlaw is changing things for him...
Well this morning after my Hubby was telling me all this about his dad.. I begin to be happy doubtful angry and resentful Here is my hubbys A Father who has been drinking for 30 years and eats horrible and HE IS ALIVE STILL...
Ok here is where i am feeling so resentful my AFAMILY Who beleives in HP Who has been drinking for longer then my father inlaw Are All dying from this horrible dieases like my mom!!! When I told my hubby I was upset that here his dad was getting better but my family was dying My hubby responed with well my father is in a good place in life, he is happy, he is dealing with things, and my A mom hated life so that is why she died!!
Well I am finding it very hard to beleive that people become Alcoholics because they are happy with there life and all things are peachy to me I would think why start drinking at all in the first place!!!
I think the underline feeling is that I don't want to end up resenting my hubby for his family recovering and my family not!!!!
It really hurts me to see my hubby have such a great relationship with his dad and I AM ALL ALONE WITH NO FAMILY!!!! I am the black sheep, the ugly one, selfish one, and etc.... I do love my hubbys Dad and he is a good person...
Maybe I am not focusing on myself rightnow because it is painful to realize what sad choices my family made.... It didn't just hurt them it hurt me too unless your heart is made out of Stone!!!!! Because I have no relationship with them.. I found myself mad at my HP this morning saying why why why me.... But then why me maybe i don't deserve to have a "Family" or maybe I am living in "Fantacy Family Land"!!!! I don't know but i 'm Thankful for not stuffing it and letting it drag me down!!!! I am feeling the feelings and then letting them go..
Even being in this program for 3 years I still find it hard to not be hurt when I see what a great relationships my hubby has with his mom and Dad!!! It is tough but what can i do about it but to enjoy my hubbys family too and build good relationships with them!!
I'm glad you got your resentment out on this post -- those things can just eat us up. Anger and resentment is poison to me, ruins my serenity instantaniously. And even worse, it leads me back to work on me, more. I appreciate the post, as a reminder that I need to do like you and let out all those bad things that bring me down.
Of course, that's not why your mother died and his father lives. I think that was something silly of hub to say to you... maybe, a little honest conversation and letting go, together with hub, could do well, there. take what ya want.....
By the way, you are not alone without any family. You have a great big, loving, caring family. I really hate to see one of my sisters in pain, so ((((((((((((((((big hugs))))))))))))))))))))) sis.
with love, your brother, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Please don't be thinking you don't deserve a family - it doesn't work that way. I do believe that attitude has something to do with health, but not in such a 'cause and effect' way - your husband's dad just has good genes. Nothing to do with who deserves what. What YOU deserve is a life filled with serenity and people who care for you, and you can get it.
I did an exercise once about what I deserved, I got so confused with that v.s. what I wanted. Well after going over it with someone I realized that what I deserved wasn't just a "want" I did actually deserve the things on my list. You do deserve all the things you mentioned in your post. It is difficult to accept that you do not receive these things from your family.
Sometimes it helps to look at things differently, you have many of those things that you deserve available to you thru other people. You like your father-in-law, does he give you some of those things you don't get from your family? Celebrate that HP has given you this man in your life, one that is showing you yet again, that recovery is possible.
It is so natural to try to work out in our head why things are the way they are--sometimes there just aren't answers. It's also easier to focus our anger on others than it is to work it out within ourselves. Remember that you are in control of how long you want to stay in this stew pot and you have the ablity change direction. It's up to you, when you are ready. I know the longer I'm in the program, it is a shorter time thatI want to stay in that stew pot, and it helps when I'm reminded that I can have an "it's not fair" day but I don't have to stay in it for days, weeks etc.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. You will work thru this, we all have those feeling you are having.
I use to look at others in recovery and ask "Why can't that be me? Why can't that be my hubby?" It drove me crazy. So I stopped asking.
We all deserve a long, happy and healthy life. I don't know any addict that wants to be an addict. They didn't get out of bed one day and say: "Gee when I grown up I want to be an addict." That's why they call this disease so cunning and baffling. Why choose some and not others? Why can some drink everyday of their life and live till they're 90? When it takes others at 25?
Letting go of resentments is really hard. Once in a while I find them creeping into this old brain of mine. I have to work hard to let them go. That's when I get out my gratitude list. By really looking hard at my life and what I am greatful for, it refocuses me on the positive aspects of my life.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can sort of understand your resentment!! I have been dealing with resnetment towards my MIL!! She is an A and she is part of my husbands problem. She would call him up and tell him horrible things like YOU RUINED my life and I WISH I never had you!! He would get upset and use!! NOW that HE is recovering she is in Alanon and they talk everyday about how he is doing so well and how she is learning ALOT from Alanon!!!! SHE WONT admit she has a drinking problem she needs to be in AA not Alanon!!!! It just angers me sometimes BUT I just have to think that she is her own person, I CANT control her and so I have to just let it be!! I know it is hard to understand WHY he is going OK and YOUR family is not....I dont have answers for that!! When it is your time its your time!! Why can people who REALLY want kids cant, and those who could care less can?? Life is vicious sometimes!! But I can see where that is hard to accept!! I think I would feel the same way too!! But try to get some serenity by enjoying the time you have left with your family!!!! Enjoy today!! Dont obess over him and his LUCKS, make the most of today with the people you want today to be with!! :)
I agree with some of the others here, I don't think you're being irrational at all. I do think you're going through a grieving cycle, as it's finally setting in that your family let you down. I'm reading a great deal of books by researchers of alcholism and the family dynamics and one written by a guy named Ackerman observes "The alcholic parent may believe personally that they are first alcholic, secondly parent, but in relality, the case is reversed: they are first parent, with all duties inclusive. The alcholism, and the effects on the children, is the roots of the problems within the relationship between the parent and child." I'm paraphrasing here but when he said that it was like "Yes! Exactly! That's exactly why my parents and I are oil and water!"
He also goes on to express how it is that some children he's worked with privately as a councelor are able to grasp the reality of alchol as an intoxicant, something that alters the brain functions. Like I've always said, "I love my sober father. It's just that I never see HIM any more." Where I'm reading now in the book, he expresses that there's a great deal of confusion feelings about how to love the parent as their alcholism progresses; after all, the "sober" side of the parent becomes less and less availible and you see your "drunk" parent more and more. Discussing the coping mechanisms, denial, transference, acting out, et cetera, according to him, is how the adult child is able to cope with the insanity growing up and how they love the "drunk parent."
I think it would be prudent to make sure you talk about this with your sponsor and councelor and be certain to write about this. After all, these memories and feelings are yours and they are worthy of your attention and love. You are worthy of attending to your feelings and your needs.
(((((((((((bubbles))))))))) You have some great replies above. I can relate somewhat being my one brother hasn't talked to any of his family in 5 years. It hurts alot. I guess it all comes back to Step one. We have no control over others. Feeling your feelings and sharing them here is healthy. Once you get it out, it may stay out and be easier to let go and let god. Maybe talk to your husband about not comparing families or people. Concentrate on your own lovely family and family unit. You are so blessed to have great kids and a supportive hubby in your life. You are a great friend and support to me too! fluffy xoxoxoxoxo
