The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i offered my ex my car so he could go to his inservice meeting. on the way back he hit a deer. not too much damage, just cosmetic. i was so mad. it was my dad's car and i always feel like i am betraying his memory when i let my ex drive the car. i only let him take the car when it is to my benefit or the kids. so i feel guilty about that too. my ex still hasn't fallen off the face of the earth. and he knew i was mad tonight about the car. everything he touches he ruins. i know that is an exaggeration but it has been 13 years of him destroying my things either intentionally or not. he was never taught that things have value even if the value is just that we can't afford to buy another one of those "things". his mother taught him that material things have no place in life and everything is replacable. my parents collected antiques and taught me that well made things can last and be useful forever and to appericiate all that we have. needless to say, he ruined all of the things that my parents gave us. trusted us with. i know he felt bad tonight. he left and went to a meeting because he just "couldn't deal". which made me feel like i should be over the top nice to him so he didn't feel bad so he didn't go drink over this. i wasn't over the top nice. i was understanding and treated him how i would want to be treated. i actually thought to myself "how would my mother handle this situation if it were me that hit a deer in her car?" and then i acted the oppisite of how she would have. but between us....i am pissed. i have been so careful with my things since he and i split. and now this. it is repairable but i am beyond broke. i just wish that he were more careful with my things. or that i never let him use my things. i wish he'd just disappear.....
Ah, yes, the A does something that hurts us, and then somehow, we are the bad guys if we don't go to a lot of trouble to make them feel better - for hurting us! And the crazy thing, is we DO feel bad, we do try to comfort them through their guilt. It's a sick sick dance, and good for you if you just decide to sit this one out.
my own separation has been quite riddled with the loss of possessions. i think HP is trying to tell me something. i have my health, my sanity, my serenity, and even still - more knicknacks than 99% of the people from Zimbabwe. i need further to be able to let go of stuff that i worked hard for, and keep the resentments at bay (as they are just poison to spur my anger and loss of serenity). i'm glad you got some of those feelings out on this post.
i know it's tough, the needless destruction/damage/loss of things because others don't appreciate or take the time to give Attention to Detail makes me mad, and sometimes causes me to take other people's inventory. that's one of my defects of character i need to work on.
anyway, keep venting and keep coming back much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
What I'm not hearing here is you expressing to him how the accident made you feel. I'm not hearing you being assertive and honest. If you are not expressing your feelings to your ex, then you are at fault as much as he is.
I'm also hearing a great deal of you feeling that, so long as you keep up everything exactly as your father would have it, he's not really gone. That's a very intense emotion and a very difficult way to live. Perhaps it would be prudent to look at why it is you are keeping that cycle of behavior with a sponsor.
Boy oh boy do I understand how you are feeling. My AH used to be so careful w/things. He would not do something unless he could do it the right way. He bought just the right name brand tools and kept them so neat & tidy. You know stuff like that. You know where those tools are now? I am talking probably thousands of dollars worth of tools? The last I had seen of his tool box, it was half empty and the tools that were in there were all rusted out and nasty. That is what this disease, this addiction to alcohol and drugs has done to him. Caused him to not care about his stuff as much as he cares about his next hit.
I just bought a house. My very first all on my own. It is a cute little house & I am proud of it. I'll have you know that he has only been their 4 days and already, he has banged up the walls by the breaker box b/c he hasn't been careful in moving things around to get to that breaker box & reset it. (We are constantly tripping the breakers for some reason). He has taken MY spot in the driveway w/his truck. He is sleeping all over my couch all day long. Eating all my food and not bothering to wash a single dish. His clothes are ALL OVER the place. And he is eating and drinking in my living room even though I have repeatedly said that food and drink were to stay in the kitchen. He has a bad habit of knocking his drinks over and only half hazardly cleaning up the mess.
So yea, I know what you mean about ruining your things.
I can definitely relate to this. I have also had to detach from it. The a's destruction is not geared towards me. I used to take it very very personally now I do not. He can be destructive I cannot persuade him not to. I try to protect myself and my things these days that's about it. I no longer fight with the A so that is a first and that was one of the things that brought on his temper tantrums. I think its pretty hard to train oneself not to resent him. I have found it essential to try to live in the same space as him. I was and can still absolutely totally paralyzed with resentment.
