My A is gone. Just left with his neice and all his stuff - Al-Anon Family Group

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

My A is gone. Just left with his neice and all his stuff

Fifi · Senior Member

I am a wreck myself tonight, but i send you my love and wish you strength. Be gentle to yourself and be patient with your emotions...it sure sounds like you are hurting...know we are here and that you have your wonderful self and your HP.....be strong. love,fifi

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

hon,

you are the only one that controls your serenity. leave the drama behind. the steps, the literature, the program, it is all about us changing ourselves. the program works, only if you work it. i feel bad that things are terrible for you, but terrible situations can lead us to start working on ourselves so that we have control of our emotions, our happiness, our serenity, our peace, our peace of mind; only me can change me. if you need help, get help. work the program. work the program. work the program. work the program. work the program.

with love,
cj

AndiLynn · Senior Member

Have you been to any f2f meetings? If you have did you get any numbers? I know how hard it can be when the internet is tied up by someone else, whether it be because they are on it or because you have a dial up connection and someone is on the phone. Just try to be calm, find something to do while he is on the phone.....write in a journal, do the dishes, go take a bath, anything but avoid getting yourself completly upset and into a confrontation....it's simply NOT worth it hun. Your energy is better spent on something more productive. After he is off the phone then call someone from a f2f meeting, or get into the chatroom. If he is the type to do things to upset you or to intentionally make you angry he may stay on the phone longer when he knows you want it.....if this is the case, keep control of yourself....don't let him have control. I know when my A was active there were times when he would push my buttons, on purpose, I let him control me through that until I got wise. When I no longer reacted the way he wanted me to.....expected me to.....he stopped trying.

Please just try to be in control of yourself....you cannot control him BUT you can control you. Do deep breathing, mediation, busy work, anything that keeps your mind off what he is doing and on YOURSELF. This is sooo important. Work the program and I promise things do get better.

Andi

jaja · Senior Member

I feel for you, hippiechick. I know the feeling. It will help to keep reminding yourself that Charlie is a sick man and most of the stuff coming out of his mouth is bull. He knows he shouldn't do or say the things he does but, in his state of mind, he wants you to be under his control, probably beg him to come back to show how how much you need him. My A wanted exactly that. With him, I let him back and while he knew alcohol was the real source of all the problems, he didn't have to deal with it since it seemed like I'd put up with it. I did, after all let him back. But to be honest, I wasn't ready to let him go and at that time it was a kind of relief to have him home again. I was to deal with all the drinking again sooner or later but in the meantime, I was slowly trying to understand what was really going on and how it worked. Took a while and is a continual learning process. Though I slipped recently, I found that by being calm when he spewed out his junk at me and by not giving him the reaction he was looking for actually put it back on him. He didn't know quite what to say to " If you think you should leave, I won't ask you to stay". He tried, " you need me for money" but I just quietly said " I'll find a way to manage. I have family and friends who'll help me out a little till I get on my feet". It just kind of took his power away. Oh, he did stay that time but there were more times of drinking and going back and forth, each time a little more of a learning experience. I think it is totally personal thing as to whether or not you want him to go or stay and you are not wrong either way. Some people have to leave their A's if physical abuse is involved, other people have financial reasons or other reasons to stay with their A's. Should you choose not to be with him, the money end of it for you may work out in the end. So what if you have to go into some debt as long as you have a roof over head and food on the table, you will find a way to deal with the rest. Take it easy and try not to react in the heat of the moment. Give yourself some "chill out" time and hang out here. You'll find caring, understanding people and valuable information...Jaja

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

I thought you understood that I am mostly homeboud due to varioius physical and mental issues. This website and others like it are my saife haven. I do plan to attempt to get to a meeting. I must do MY best.

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