The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so tonight i am at the bottom of the barrel....no place lower to go. i feel like i am unlovable and there is no possibility for anyone to see the real me and be able to stand it.
i lost a 15 yr relationship/10 yr marriage....i know it always takes two but i think it was my lack of strength,codependency, lack of self love, lack of self worth that ruined it.
now i find myself with this Aboyfriend about to get out of rehab....i am so jealous of all the women he has met there....i am so worried about the friends he plans on returning to back here...whenever things were tough and he was drinking and i had enough, he would call a woman to go drink with.
now he calls on women to recover with. i am afraid i am too insecure to handle this. he told me tonight everytime he talks to women he gets panicky because he worries that i will be pissed...and maybe i will....and maybe for no reason.
i had the most amazing day today at work - really kicked butt - so strong about me - so detached and in love with him.....
then all my insecurities come crashing and i think i am meant to be alone.
but i want my daughters to grow up with a mom who shows them she is capable of love in a relationship....i don't want to be someone too insecure to be with anyone else.
i am so sad and scared and i think it has almost nothing to do with alchohol....
wish you all were face to facers for a hug right now :)
my heart is breaking with that pain you have. and the worst, it is coming from things you don't see about yourself. Gosh, girly, you have shown Love and Compassion just in your words on this website. How in the world do you think you are not worthy of love??!!!
we all do things because of our insecurities. us codependents, we are so easily broken-hearted (lol, see above paragraph), we bash ourselves needlessly, we let our fears control our actions.... very sad. that is me, i recognize those things in me. and what can i do? i can change. i gotta do it for me. i gotta do it alone, because it is all of my own hang-ups. i'm getting to a place where i can count on me to be honest and explore those rotten fears, right down to the core. then, instead of "reacting" to things, i take some time, and respond to the facts of it all. kinda like having a clone look at my thoughts... sit in a chair across from me, then take out the nonsense of it all. that leaves me with fact and truth, which makes responding in a healthy fassion much easier.
keep your head up, fi. you keep coming back and posting. it will start feeling better, whether or not you end your relationship with your a boyfriend. there are a ton of healthy people out there to have a healthy relationship with... it's just that we, too, have to be healthy.
Put down the hammer and stopping hitting yourself in the head with it. "Pain is optional" is what I have been told.
When I was still with my alcoholic wife I use to think that it was "all about me" also and then when I got honest with myself I came to understand that there was no way in this wide earth that I could have caused (one of the 3 c's) that much trouble. I had my sponsor and others lead me out of the practice of "poor me" syndrome and started getting an honest attitude about what was my responsibility and what was my alcoholic's. I lightened up on myself and finally did a "split page" forth step; good about me on the left and bad on the right. Ask about it from others cause we need others to help us reach an honest vision of ourself.
Till then keep coming back and if you use your imagination well, you'll be able to feel our hugs.
One thing we say here is "Fake it till you make it". Different people have different ideas of what that means, but to me it means "act as if you were a healthy person with good self esteem ". This can mean doing something good for yourself because you are feeling low, reaching out for help and companionship because you are feeling lonely, cutting yourself some slack when you are feeling stressed - emotionally healthy people with no 'issues' have bad nights too. The difference is that they allow themselves to eat a pint of chunky monkey, watch a chick flick on Tv, and believe that tomorrow will be better. Surely you can fake that....
I am gonna have to agree with lin here. I guess if eating chunky monkey and watching a good chick flick is an option when faking it till you make it, then i say eat on! lol
But she is right, we do need to relax and give ourselves a break once in awhile...I think even the most healthy minded person would end up insane if they didn't.
I remember an alanon friend telling me to treat myself the way I would treat a friend who was having a bad day......to be a friend to myself. It helped so much.
So go, relax and be kind to yourself....you deserve it Sweetie.
I can relate to your comments. I wish I had been a stronger man in my first marriage, and had been more assertive in my current marriage. It helps to remember that I count too, and that I want to do my best, but I don't have to be perfect for people to like me. I forget that sometimes, but I function better when I'm remembering that.
I hope you can find within yourself the strength you must have to have survived everything you've been through so far. Good luck!
Last Tue I went to a f2f and a man bought me a book, courage to change. It is on page 10, Jan 10. I think if the ONLY reason for me to go to that meeting was so that nice man would buy me this book so I would read pg 10 the next morning, it was a HUGE and impactful reason!! Ever since that day I have been able to put things and feelings into perspective and even when my husband was struggling today with bad thoughts and feeling bad about his useage I had him read it and told him to worry about NOW and ONLY NOW!! He said it helped him too. It is VERY inspiring!! Here is some of the passage....
"When I succumb to worry, I open a Pandora's Box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices and relentless SELF-CRITICISM. The more attention I pay to this mental static, ther more I loose my footholding in reality, Then nothing useful can be accomplished!"
I KNOW it is hard and maybe I have not had it as hard as some, but it is hard!! But since that day I have looked at my life in a different way!! We fight less, I am free from the weight on my sholders I had, I can smile for NO reason and mean it!! This is something that you can get through if your let yourself!!
Yeah I think I would be sort of jealous if my husband were talking to other women from CDA, so I cant blame you....BUT on the other hand he IS trying to be sober and if they can help....I think I can be strong enough and put my faith in my HP and KNOW that what should be will be regardless if it is what I want to be....Your HP will guide you to be strong IF you let it!! The serenity prayer helps too!!
