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Hi, in the 9 years that I have been with my husband, I have never see the disease progress the way I have in the last 2 months, particularly last night. He has been sober a lot of those 9 years, but in the last 3 yrs, only a few months at a time. Anyway, last night, for the first time, instead of feeling angry, bitter, resentful, at him I was actually completely stunned, scared and shocked at what I was witnessing (more drunk than I've ever seen him, paranoia, just weird) and felt extremely sorry for him. I'm scared for his body and brain right now, more than what will happen if we're not together and the girls (2 very little ones) don't have their father around. Normally, I would have just asked him to leave, but the condition that he came home in made me seperate myself from him, and I just said "you can't leave tonight, it's cold, you can't drive, stay home".
Today, he admitted to me that he has had mini seizure type convulsions in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. The "devil" has got him and I'm not sure if he has what it takes to fight it. And, of course I feel guilty for not believing in him that he can stop again, but I'm realizing how serious this disease is. I have already done the ultimatum thing twice in the last month, but never follow through, b/c mostly he contributes a lot to the family, he's around alot (even if he's drinking) and he isn't abusive. I am being manipulated and fooled by the disease just as much as he is. I know eventually if it continues I will have to seperate myself and the girls from him, however, I may also just not be ready.
I feel your pain... It is a horrible disease. There are two things you said that caught my attention -- he contributes a lot to the family -- and -- he is not abusive. Those contributions, I bet, are becoming less and less as the disease consumes him, again. He is not abusive, but his condition is definately "affecting" you... and without help, it will continue "affecting" you, the girls, and everyone around him.
If you are familiar with Al-anon or AA, the first step is "I am powerless over alcohol, and my life has become unmanagable." Indeed. Will you have a husband? Will you have a father for your precious'es (okay, that's not a word, but you have multiple precious girls, and I like it.. kinda Gollumm-ish... okay that's not a word either.. but hey, I'm not perfect)? Anyhow, the first step begs the question "well then, what can I do?". Set those boundaries. Keep those boundaries. He has to hit bottom (sounds like, again) and reach out to help. Your help will be in not letting him (enabling) to continue this line of action in your home. Be honest and communicate what you want and what you can't have in your life. You are worth it. Your children are worth it.
Keep posting, try to get to an Al-anon meeting, keep reading... you are in charge of your serenity, and there is much love and support here to reach out to.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Lyla, You will know when and if it is time to seperate from him. Just keep working the program and getting yourself healthy, then the answers to questions and decisions will come to you with the "peace" of mind that you need.
Nobody but you knows when you are ready - I hope you manage to get to meetings where you are, if not please come here as often as you can and read our literature. The more you see your situation clearly as it IS, the more likely you are to know when the time is right. It is scary, it is heartbreaking.
Maybe a first thing first would be to suggest an alcoholism assessment to him. Just suggest. This comes from my experience and does not necessarily work for everyone. I have called EMTs to come assist others who were in your alcoholic's condition. I am powerless where others are not. For you stick with this program. There are so many winners in Al-Anon who have been where you are at right now and if you can get help for the alcoholic surely you can reach out for help for yourself. My alcoholic benefited more from the care of professionals than she did from me because I didn't know what I was doing (and didn't know I didn't know) and made things worse. With the professionals she got better for a while until her relapses and then she tried AA. Don't know how its going now and I know way more and way better today on what to do for me.
((((hugs))))
PS. This is a progressive fatal disease and unless arrested by total abstinence will result in insanity or death. When arrested it will result in sobriety.
