The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After deciding not to spend Christmas with my ex(A) I realised that the world didn't end and I am okay without him, and I had the peaceful Christmas I wanted. Then 2 days after Xmas he calls me and he wants to meet up to talk and so I go, and again he is telling me that he wants to tell me that he is going to change, he doesn't want anybody else, that he wants us to be a family again. Then near the end of the conversation I find out that he drank on Xmas day and on other days during the time he said he had stopped. I walked out. That night he sends me text messages begging me to reconsider and give him a chance and spend New Years Eve with him together with our son who would be with me.
For some reason that seems crazy to me now I agreed to let him come here and spend NYE with me in my apartment since it was just me and my 19 mo old son who was asleep. We had a nice dinner and watched movies on TV. He didn't drink. The next day we spent the day together taking our boy to the park. Ex made a good effort of being considerate and helpful. So we spent the week taking our son out and doing things together as a family.
Through all that I still don't find him attractive any more. I like that he is being a considerate father. I like that he has had some cold hard realisations. But he has tried to sit close to me or put his arm around me or give me a peck on the lips and I feel disgusted. We fell asleep on the couch together last night and I woke up and felt relief when he stayed on the couch and let me go to bed.
I don't know why I can't accept things being peaceful and his obvious efforts to change. Maybe it's too little too late. He says he can be patient and wait if it means we might be together. The whole time I'm thinking in my head I loathe him because of who he was up until only a few weeks ago. I have said to him a couple of times 'don't touch me' or 'the feelings I had for you are dead and gone, they were crushed and ripped apart a long time ago' and it still doesn't deter him and it makes me feel angry. At the moment that is the only emotion I feel towards him. And annoyance.
And I feel that knot in the pit of my stomach when he says things like he wants to have 'that spontaneous, easy comfort with each other that you get being a couple, it feels so built up and contrived...' -it makes me feel pressured to be all kissy and cuddly and intimate with him, but right now there is no basis for it. I can't understand how he can say he loves me and wants to cuddle me when there has been no mental or emotional 'stimulation' leading up to it. Reminds me of that song 'You've lost that loovin feelin'... woah that lovin' feeling' -well I do feel loving, just not for him. Lately I feel I am leading him on, that maybe I'm just spending time with him in the old hopes of him changing and if he doesn't I'll loose the plot and feel rage against him again for wasting my time and taking advantage of my nice-ness. Does that sound arrogant? I don't like him making out like I am too strict and heartless and could easily be replaced by someone fun and lighthearted as if I'm not that. Hrmmmm.
This morning I was hoping he'd go pick up our son from Grandma's place, but he just lay sleeping on the couch and wouldn't get up even though I went and told him the time and opened the curtains. It's the weekend and so his day with him, and it annoys me and reminds me of old times when he would be self-centered and lie in bed all day in some sort of procrastinating depression and make someone else take care of things. Now the alcohol is not there as an excuse there is still this man who can't deal with everyday life very well. I wanted to kick his butt off the couch. As usual he gives me this attitude like 'what's your problem, always blaming *me*', etc etc. Driving him home he said 'don't talk to me' so I said 'I won't. EVER!' uggh I have sunk to a new low there.
my heart goes out to you. i don't know what else to say, besides i'm sorry that this is hard. i think honest communication can help you here in a few of the things that you mentioned. you don't want him to kiss you and play lovey dovey... tell him... you have a right to your space.
now, you said you were "hoping" he would go pick up your son at Grandma's. You told him the time and opened the curtains??? possibly, "can you go pick up our son at Grandma's?" would've inspired him -- direct communication, no chance of misunderstanding.
just a few thoughts, and you are in my prayers, as well as your son and AH.
with love, always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thanks CJ, you are right. After thinking about it, and later re-reading my post I realised I should have just told him exactly what was on my mind. I could have just asked him nicely to go pick up our son. I guess I was expecting him to be in a bad mood from what happened the night before. I called and told him this. It felt good to open up and take responsibility for things I did. I guess in the past I'd just feel mad at him or over react.
He has been trying hard, I need to try working on communicating better, more openly with him. Right now I feel tired, and sad about where he and I are at now.
hon, i think that call to him took a lot of courage. that IS growth... PROGRESS... and it has made me feel better every time i had the opportunity, and actually took it, to make things just a little better for me and the whole situation. I'm so proud of you.
Keep posting, (((((hugs))))), keep keeping your side of the street clean... and smile
it's a good day to live.
much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
A lot of that bad feeling is probably resentment. If things DO change, you can work on getting rid of old resentment from the past (even if things don't change, who wants to carry all that around....) but right here right now you can start to work on not building up new resentment. Saying what you think and asking for what you need are great ways to keep the resentment from building. Good for you for calling and clearing the air.
