The material presented
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Ok, I don't do a lot of post but i do repley to others post.......
I am in a place rightnow that I feel scared..... When I was working my program I felt really good until I got to step 9 about making amends now when I went over my list with my Sponsor I felt really good like a new person when I got done... But know as I am making the amends I am feeling really upset.... I have cried the last few nights over the fact that my family is to be loving me supporting me and sharing with me my success ARE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!!!!!!!!!
Ok so I am adult now I should be able to handle all this but why do I still feel pain I am willing to make amends But there is a part of me that still has hidden pain!!!! There is times I want to share with my family my kids acomplishments, when we buy something new and excitting when my hubby makes acomplishments at work or I am feeling good and just want to share my acomplishments......
It is still so painful to realize I have Alcoholic Family who only care about themselfs!!!!!!!! I find my self missing them like yesterday afternoon I cried I miss them!! So as I am doing the amends i am really lacking taking care of me it like all the old tapes and behaviors are back and so I am really wondering if you can love yourself and not love your self?????
The other day i was talking with someone who said i am not ready to lose my weight it helps cover up the pain inside me I AM not ready to lose my sercurity blanket!! That got me to thinking what sercurity blanket do I still have I need to let go off to really heal down deep so I can finally really love me and take care of me???
I have been in this program for 3 years and i am still battling with things i thought I had over come!!!! More garbage more stinking garbage!!!!!!!! I know I am powerless over how my family treats me and that there SICK people and care nothing about me just the bottle but I am not powerless of how I take care of myself...... It 'is just sad knowing I have a family out there I can be apart of because there just to sick to be around!!!!!!!!
I think I am finally seeing my fantacy sercurity blanket come off and see my reality and boy do I feel the pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS it HURTS this might be the break I need to finally start truly loving me!!!! (as my kids keep asking me MOM do you think your family misses us or loves us?????) Which then gets me thinking!!!! My kids are very special to me and I love them with all my heart.. And they deserve better then this!!!
Just kind of a sad couples of days maybe if I write and send my amends some of this saddness I feel will go away!!!!!
Thanks for leting me Vent!!!!!
Love ((((((((((((roomies))))))))))))))) very much!!!!
I guess that part is about accepting the things you cannot change.
My dad is not alcoholic, but when he found out I was pregnant he pretty much disowned me. I haven't seen or heard from him since. He even sent my aunt a bag full of photos of me he had pulled out of the family photo albums. I emailed him on Father's Day some photos of my son and said I still think of him, and he replied literally 'go to h*ll'.
Sometimes I feel sad for my son possibly never knowing his grandfather, and sometimes I miss my dad, but then I know that I can't change him, he has made *his* choice (I know there is more background to this that I can't really write about) -what I'm trying to say is everyone makes choices, and sometimes you can't get them to change those choices, you can only make your own choices. You can either let someone else make a choice for you (by letting *their* attitude on life affect you) OR you can decide to live your adult life freely and appreciate what you have (like your beautiful children).
My mother passed away when I was 19. Life is short, don't let someone else's decisions stop you living *your* life -or 'loving yourself'. When I think of my dad I just think I don't want my son to feel this way about me one day I want him to see me as a happy, healthy and confident -parents model to their children how to be. Lots of people have said to me 'aww poor you, and your son not having your father in your lives' - I just say to them 'you don't know him or the situation obviously'. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself because someone makes a throw-away comment like that because they don't know what else to say. Similar to when you say someone has passed away and a person you hardly know says 'Oh, I'm sorry.'
You said "my kids keep asking me MOM do you think your family misses us or loves us?...they deserve better then this!!!" I know it's not my place to really comment, but please don't blame yourselves or your children for them not being loving to you guys! At least your kids have at least one person (you) who loves them!! You don't get to choose your family, it's quality not quantity that matters. This Xmas was just my son and I and no other family, which was a big change from the domestic drama of years gone by which is far more damaging to children than being with a responsible mother.
You see my thought at the bottom under the post? yea. I wish certain people in my family would be there for me too. But I put that expectation out there, knowing full well how they have "come through" in the past, and then I get disappointed all over again. I choose to share a lot of my accomplishments with my Ala-family, where it is POSSIBLE to get the kudos, love, support, (self-esteem), that I need to keep PROGRESSING.
so, I have promised myself to stop asking my family for things they can't provide. I've stopped going to the hardware store for a loaf of Butternut.
much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am going thru something similar with my family right now and have had some lightbulb moments.It seems I am finally getting it into my head that alcoholics are truly in their own reality and it is a reality that we, as non-a's, do not live in.
It is so clear to me that things could be so different.In taking care of my 91 year old mother, my sisters and I could work together and coordinate the errands so that we can all have lives as well as take care of her.We could take turns with her doctor appointments and calling to check on her.We could speak civilly to eachother and not try to run the whole show for everyone.We could not put everything on a scale to see who is doing more than the other.
But then, if we were able to do this, we would not be 2 alcoholics and one alanon.Diseased people trying to live 'normal' lives.My mother is so sick with codependency from a lifetime of living with alcoholics that it is impossible to reach her.She and I cannot get along unless I put myself last like she does.This is what I did for years with my AH and at times my family.I am not willing to do that anymore and it has come to a big,yellow, pus-filled (sorry) head and burst.The infection has spread all over and I am staying out of the way.I have to save myself.
My mother's way...give till it hurts and then give some more......put the a's welfare above your own...put your life on hold while you rescue them....is not working for me anymore.I was drowning in a pit of stress and anger and resentment and misery.I came to Alanon and I broke free and I am not going back.
Because of this I have lost my family.I have been told by my sister that I am no longer part of the family.I was told not to call my mother anymore ( by my sister) and I was also called alot of colorful names and told to go '----' myself. My mother has not called me since November.I had tried to explain my recovery to her,and tell her THE TRUTH about what happened that day she is mad about, but all she could hear was that I am cold and don't care about THE FAMILY.She believes what the alcoholics tell her,she just does not hear me.
So the sad truth is my mother will die and I will not have been in contact with her.My brother ( alcoholic) has throat cancer and lives in another state.In past times I have always been there for every crisis....when my other alcoholic brother died...when my alcoholic sister fell down the steps...when my other alcoholic sister tried to commit suicide...when my other alcoholic brother tried to commit suicide...when that same brother was hit by a car in another state and we had to go get him...on and on.Well, this time I will not be there for the deaths,the hospitals, the crises that always occur when alcoholics have to do something that they don't want to do;something outside their comfort zone;something that puts them out.The show will be run by the dry drunk sister.My mother will suffer in martyred bliss and most likely die that way.I will not be there to make sure everyone is comfortable,everyone is ok,everything is taken care of.All the 'little' things that I think of that the a's don't think of will not get done.But no one will notice anyay,most likely.
I am much calmer,saner,more serene without them in my life.I laugh more,I enjoy life.I have no stress.I like my new job and the people there.I get along with my AH and we are working on the house so we can sell it and separate.I am building a good life with the help of HP (God).
Bubbles, the way I see it is why do we have to sacrifice ourselves for them? Is it being the 'good girl' to be a doormat,a puppet,with no life running around to please everyone else with no sense of who I am?Is that what my HP wants for me?He knows they are sick.He knows they will just pull me down with them.I can't help them.I can't talk reason to them,they will not hear it.So I leave them to His will.It is His job to take care of them.He can do that so much better than me.If I had a 'normal' family I would most certainly be there for my mom right to the end.But she does not care about me.She has her alkies and they are her life.
I understand the desire for a normal family.A family that cares about you.I want that too.But the reality is I do not have that and never will.
So as I am doing the amends i am really lacking taking care of me it like all the old tapes and behaviors are back and so I am really wondering if you can love yourself and not love your self????? 
I know I am powerless over how my family treats me and that there SICK people and care nothing about me just the bottle but I am not powerless of how I take care of myself...... It 'is just sad knowing I have a family out there I can be apart of because there just to sick to be around!!!!!!!!