The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had to work in training this week with a woman who is really stuck in the martyr role. I've had my own turn of course of doing that. I'm naturally loathe to admit I did it at work and in lots of relationships. Being around her has been a mixed blessing. On the one hand I can empathise with her and her many many losses, on the other I am irritated by her behavior. On yet another level I am aware that this is a mirror. I can be the martyr in every facet of my life easily. I can also be the "victim". I can also be the controller (the A is always accusing me of that)>
When I am stuck in the matryr role, I feel that I am oblivious to others around me. I'm enveloped in the same self pity pocket the A is. I am stuck. I am alienating lots of people and content to do that. I feel like there is only black and white, no grey.
I fell pretty sad that I've done my share of alienating and being "stuck". I'm also (:)) pretty sad I've had to deal with this woman this week because its draining.
I think I am also pretty excited to be able to "see" it and hear it and know that it is self destructive behavior for me when I know when I am in that mode it feels so "right".
When my husband and I used to fight about his drinking, he always accused me of being a martyr. I couldn't believe he said such a thing, I truly believed that I never did anything of the sort! It took several years of alanon to see the way I martyred myself - the way I would cause myself extra pain so that he would see it and be sorry..... the way I would always take the hard path, so it would be obvious that I was a saint.....
