The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is said that while we continue to change, it is worth remembering that WE are the ones changing, not our loved ones. As much as we want them to, we cannot force another to change, wish change upon them, or, in some other fashion, convince someone not willing to change to do so.
As I embrace new, recovery based behaviors, I find not only other people reacting to me (specifically my family of origin), but my own body as well. The other night, I made a decision reguarding my father's habit of expectations: he finds himself in some disaster or another, usually involving large sums of money and time, and expects me to find time in my scedule, willingness in my heart, and desire within myself to bail him out of his mess however possible.
And I found myself this time saying, "No. Not this time. I can't do it. I've got enough going on this time that I just can't do it. I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I don't have any ability to help you. "
My father has responded by giving me the silent treatment. My body responded by having me wake up yesterday morning, my jaw clenched SO TIGHTLY that I couldn't move it, the pain SO INTENSE that it radiated ALL THE WAY DOWN MY NECK. Thank god I had a chiropractic appointment that day. I was miserable.
I suppose I'm asking if anyone else has had similar experiences. As I shared with my sponsor she assured me 1) I was on a recovering, healing track--that this was how "normal" people handle situations like this; if they can't do it, they can't do it; 2) that my father was an adult and, by gummy, he can handle situations like an adult or not, it's up to him; 3) she felt that "little Sarah" was panicking, saying as loudly as she could "What were you thinking! Do you know who that man is?! How could you not give into him?! It's like, 2 weeks outta your life?...." In essence, she felt, since I was fighting the (rather vocal) "old tapes" the (rather vengeful) "old tapes" were fighting back.
Good for you, she said. And I'm really sorry that you're in pain.
I know some of us feel guilty when we "fight the tapes." But I haven't heard about any physical symptoms. I know I've had (for a long time now that I think about it) stomach problems, headaches, and, like I said, my neck HURTS. But, as my GP has pointed out, there isn't a "physical cause:" it's not as if I have a brain tumor or something horrible like that (Thank you, oh HP for your blessings). It is, she said, largely my psychology being "rewired."
If you wonder if others are going through this too.... my answer is YES. I do it several times a day even.
- When I wake up in the morning and feel guilty for not calling my wife and saying good morning, how are you. Her answer has been "what's good about it, you kicked me out". So I don't do that anymore.
- When I go to lunch and invite her to eat, and tries to take my whole lunch hour on the phone talking about how unfair all this is and I beg off so I can eat and get back.
- When she drops off our Son at home and crys because Son said he misses her and I use every trick in the book to keep that conversation short and sweet so it doesn't stay in "you are being unfair to me" mode until it turns into a fight.
- When I go to bed at night and ask my HP to remind me that no matter how much I want to fix her... that I am not that powerful. I fight that battle in myself between the instant of awake and asleep.
I know I am doing the right thing, I know I am doing it for the right reason, I know I am doing the best I can not to make the situation worse in any way.... yet my whole body hurts from resisting going back to doing what I used to do (and fail at daily).... excuse, save, fix, finance my wifes disease.
I am glad you brought it up, cause I have been noticing it alot lately, and I am trying to fight my way through it. After reading what you wrote and responding... I think this is something I just need to hand over to someone bigger than me. (and maybe take up kick boxing LOL)
Thanks for sharing that... I needed to think about that today! I think you are doing great!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I really appreciate your post. I'm rather new to Al Anon and I have not yet heard of the "old tapes," but that is really helpful to me! Also, I need to be reminded today, that we are the ones who are changing... What a great reminder, however frustrating at times.
I'm sorry about the way you were treated by your father. The silent treatment is a handy manipulative tool....it is used on me often.
When under tremendous stress, I too, have suffered from clenching my teeth (TMJ syndrome) which can also affect your neck. The best advice I got (from my chiropracter) was to sleep on my back!! So now I go to bed with 3 pillows...one under my knees, a flimsy one over my abdomen or chest and one under my head. (I imagine that I am being lovingly cradled... lol) Seriously, it tends to support the effort to stay on my back... thereby, reducing the ability to clench my jaw at night. Works very well for me.
It sounds like all the ailments you mention could be a result of stress. I have switched to more holistic care because I feel I deserve to have mind, body and spirit considered in regard to my health...as I work my way through the positive messages of al anon....and those "old tapes."
Definitely yes!!!!! In answer to your question, I get physical manifestations of stress. If there is something going on that I should not respond too, but want to respond or if I feel quilty about not "saving" a loved one from themselves in a situation then I also wake up in pain. Apparantly I clench my jaw so tightly at night that I cause myself pain.
Takes lots of time and patience to undo stuff we have learned.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
I can totally relate and to also answer your Question YES YES YES!!!!! I clunch my TEETH really bad to where I have to wear a night guard and if I don't I wake up in the morning in tons of PAIN NO fun!!!!!
Just take care of yourself.... and Yes I have felt the same with my dad who has been treating with the silent treatment for 1 yr.. Oh well his lose and I am not responsable for his happiness HE IS ADULT!!!!!
I have had similar neck pain... (yeah, i know, the big pains in our neck)... and of course, the lack of sleep. stress kills, raises blood pressure, can lead to diabetes and other PHYSICAL ailments. I've made a post new year resolution to start running again, as i recognize my health and stress was lowest in my life at the time i really embraced my body as a temple. i need to lay off caffeine, bad snacking, and continue (3 days in a row) doing things to let me sleep at night, along with starting an exercise regime. before, i told myself i didn't have time (cop out).. i can find 45 minutes for me to run -- and i can spend time with the doggy. and i can even pay for a massage every once in a while, why not?
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you for your post...the part about us changing, not others...was huge for me. i know i am changing as best as i can right now and that is all i can do...if my partner is not changing in ways that would feel better to me - I have no control over that.
in terms of feeling the effects of this disease in our bodies....oh yeah! i can feel the stress build up slowly and i can feel it seize instantly. for me my skin can break out (in chineese medicine the skin represents boundaries.....uh huh) and my neck gets tense which leads to bad headaches.
for me moving my whole body has helped incredibly...that way the pain/emotions don't just get stuck in one place. running/hiking/swimming help me because i move all my muscles....helps to integrate,ya know?
good to hear you say you know you are doing the right things for the right reasons....but it is still hard and your body reacts with tension. be patient . breathe deeply. tell your body it will get used to this new healthy way of thinking soon and it will actually feel better than before!
Thank god I had a chiropractic appointment that day. I was miserable. 
