The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband hasn't had a drink for 15 days. We've talked more than I ever remember talking before - and it feels good.
I don't know if it was smart to show my husband what I wrote in my first post here (along with everyone's comments), but I did. We really had a great talk after it. He gets why I feel so strongly about his drinking. He said that he really, truly, honestly, didn't realize how upset I was about alcohol - one drop or 15 beers. He always thought it was about just that incident - that he'd screw up and I was mad at the incident, not at alcohol as a whole. And, that I would get over it, because I am not one to hold grudges or be irrational about things. He said he knew, when he would be out with his buddies, that I'd be mad, but he said to himself "its better to ask forgiveness than permission". He knew I'd be mad, but he knew I'd get over it. This is exactly how his parents were - dad would go out once in a while, binge, come home, mom would get mad, and life went on.
He realizes now, that sure, I'd "get over it", but the resentment, anger, hopelessnes, etc never really did. He said to me, Deb - I really never got it until now. And I can stop - I have stopped - and I wouldn't start again because I really see how it hurts you. He said "I don't NEED alcohol, I can leave it." He said it is just not worth seeing you this way - so hurt, confused, angry. He does see that he has always binged drank in certain circumstances - but he has never been drunk at home, alone, or to escape from anything. It was just something "to do". No more, no less. No untold emotional drama behind it. He can leave it, simple as that.
He said he is afraid that if I change, I won't need him anymore. I make more money than him, am getting my degree, want my MBA, etc - he said I could just easily decide that I don't need him anymore and leave.
I said I am afraid he will start drinking again. That he'll resent me for him having to quit. He said he doesn't have any feelings of resentment - none.
And he said both us can't worry about what might be or might not be....what is, today, is that we both love each other very much, feel a tremendous amount of compassion for each other, and we'll be okay.
My husband lives very much in the moment - what is today. I don't. I compare, I worry, I fret, I always think I need to change, I obssess, I analyze. I need to live more in the present.
Sometimes I think that I'm the alcoholic - but he does [did] the drinking.
Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, regardless of whether he is or is not a true "alcoholic", I know that I need to keep with this program. Thank you for this forum where I can share my story and not worry about being judged.
(((DEB))) What a nice story. I am happy that you and your hubby are able to sit down and discuss all of this rather than yell at each other. All the best to you both
Very encouraging conversation with your husband. I am glad you have that kind of relationship. The truth is it really doesn't matter if he is an A or not. You said it best yourself, "Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, regardless of whether he is or is not a true "alcoholic", I know that I need to keep with this program. "
This program is for you, and your emotional and spiritual health. I am so glad you are here.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
There's an old saying about how hard it is to concentrate on the job at hand when you're surrounded by alligators. Well, I think that may be true just as much when things are going good. Sometimes things get better very quickly. We are amazed before we are halfway through... or 1/100th of the way through. But another saying is if you keep doing what you were doing, you'll keep getting what you got. That is also true of the positive. It's a process not an event. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and not stand pat.
The disease is like an escalator that only goes down. We can take one step at a time, and keep moving up as long as we are moving faster than the escalator is taking us the opposite direction. But if we stop moving, the escalator WILL carry us right back where we started... or below!
There is no "right or wrong" way to deal with your A, per se, and it is extremely touchy when they are in the very early stages of recovery.... One thought I would leave you with, is there DOES need to be a bit of "individual recovery" for each of you.... You can't be his sponsor, confidante, rock right now - nor can he be yours.....
In time, if you both continue on your respective paths, you will be able to reconnect on that level.... For awhile, it's quite important for you to focus on your own recovery, and allow him to focus on his...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I believe for the alcoholic that the escalator only goes down, left on its own. For us in Alanon, it's possible to simply step out of the relationship and go on about our lives and not have any great long term impact. I think if a person who has not grown up around alcoholics were to get into a relationship with an active A, they'd go "Whoah!!" pretty quickly and get out. But for most of us, by the time we're here in Alanon, the effects of alcoholism run deeper than maybe we are aware. Whether it's from parents being alcoholics, or a long term relationship -- we have adapted our behavior to the alcoholic. This is by no means set in stone - there are many different ways in which we cope - isolating, raging, controlling, escaping, negotiating - I guess we've all done a little bit of it all.
The thing is - talking about us here, not the alcoholic - even if we end the relationship, and go on about our business - we still have these reactions. I don't know your situation, but this is something you will discover for yourself. It's possible that once you walk away, you will kick back to normal and everything will be fine. Or not... and if not, we're here.
For the alcoholic, there is little evidence of them ever getting better while they continue to drink. As a sober alcoholic myself, I have to keep working my program. If I stand still, eventually - and it may take many months or even years - alcoholism will take me back where I was, or worse. Years of sobriety don't put any more distance from the disease, the years just give me more experience with life on life's terms. The first time I encounter a specific situation in sobriety, it can be very unsettling. The 20th time, I pretty much know what to do, IF I am keeping up on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.
It's funny, before I ever took my first drink, I was qualified for Alanon. But I was very young, and very much into control, manipulation, and blaming. It was only after I got sober myself for a while and "stopped the bleeding", and then went through a divorce, that I realized I needed help from the Alanon side as well. The amount of time I actually spent drinking in my life is just a fraction; I've been living under the effects of alcoholism, one way or another, for every second of my entire life.
At this point in my life I'm doing AA and Alanon at close to 50-50. This is working for me now, but is subject to adjustment as my needs change and life changes.
Sounds like you had a good and useful talk. Now you can keep on working on your own side of the street, and see whether his actions follow through.
Personally, that 'forgiveness/permission' line always makes me see red. Saying that is a way of saying that other people's feelings don't matter, because they'll get over it. Treating the fully understood wants and needs of a person you are supposed to care about as an inconvenience standing in the way of your fun is not the way to build a mature loving relationship. I know that a lot of people say it, without really meaning it, thinking it's kind of cute, but if you really look at it, it is terribly disrespectful.
