The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope I don't sound too stupid. A's are known for their lying - drunk or sober. How do we trust again without ever being leery again. Or do we? I mean they can apologize but they can't promise.. How do they earn trust again if they have violated it? Will we always wonder? I don't think that it will ever be the same even when they do get sober...jaja
For me and my experinces with my A it's a slow process. He didn't lose my trust overnight and he surely is not going to earn it back overnight. And this is ok...for both of us. Sometimes he does not like it, but he understands and is learning to be patient with me....as I had learned to be patient with him. Kind of a nice turn in some aspects lol. He has several months of recovery but I am still leery of somethings, the hardest are when situations come up that he used to use as "excuses" to get out of the house. Again, I think it is all a process, and there is no particualr time limit to earning the trust back....it's all based on you and your A, your own time frame and what you are comfortable in dealing with.
I learn how to trust by trusting myself. Trust that I am not blinded or in this thing we call denial. Trust that if my A could change it, he would. Trust that I will do what ever I can to have a big heart, and still not get so blinded by my denial.
Based on my past experience, the words coming out of A's mouths did not match what there verbs (actions) were saying. Over many years, I watched their verbs. So much that they would get small pieces of my trust over time. Rather that giving them all of it. Sounds odd. Probably isn't the way to do it....but, I am truly the one person I can count on. If I am never able to trust another as long as I live....I can trust me and trust God and time will take care of the rest. Today, that is all I need.
The relationship won't be the same when they get sober. It can't be. Because for me, I've changed along with hubby. The dynamics of a sober relationship are different from one when they are active.
As for the trust issue, it takes time. I will always trust my husband. I will never trust his disease. Having said that, you learn to make adjustments. For example, they are readjusting hubby's blood pressure meds along with his anxiety meds. That can make him seem like he's been drinking. I came home from work one day and many of the similar behaviors were there: slurred speech, not focused, etc. I could have sworn he relapsed. However, I didn't smell alcohol, he wasn't stumbling around along with many other things. A part of me wanted to search the house and the car just to make sure. I didn't. Because in my heart of hearts I knew that he hadn't. The doctor told us for the first few weeks that it might be like this. The other thing is that the next morning, he remembered how he was feeling. Drunken hubby wouldn't have.
Like detaching with love when they are active, you do the same when they are sober. I also know that hubby wants his sobriety so badly, that if he did take a drink, he would reach out to me as well as his support group. He's bound and determined to die sober. You know we also work our programs separately as well as together. We still do our daily meditation readings together. As he maintains his sobriety longer, I don't worry about it as much. It will always be in the back of my mind. But it is no longer paralyzing me with fear. It's also why I sty with this program.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
