The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AW is 3 weeks sober, goes to her AA meetings and her counseling sessions with vigor.
She is back to work full time.
I am helping pick up the slacks by picking up the kids, cooking, keeping house clean etc, while she goes to all her meetings. We joke around that I have become domestic.
Anyway I have one critical question. I am a very affectionate and sexually active man. She was like that too. One of the reasons we married each other I guess. She seems to have lost any desire for physical display of affection and intimacy (Hugging, kissing, romancing, and sex).
Is this emotional loss a normal part of her recovery process and I just need to be patient? Or .......?
I am going through the samething with my AH and was told it is normal. If I remember correctly it has something to do with the guilt, shame and such they are dealing with and again, if I remember correctly, it gets better. For us it slowly is, he has been sober several months now and the cuddling, kissing, real hugs and "teasing" are back. The rest we are slowly building to Hope this helps. Just be patient is all I can suggest.
The loss of intimacy is very hard. I thought that once my husband was sober, we would have a sex life again, because we certainly didn't have one when he was drunk every night.
It is my understanding that this is normal, and related to not only the guilt and shame the alcoholic feels, but also the physical effects of a body learning itself without being physically dependent on alcohol. When my husband came home from treatment, he told me that the doc said it could take as long as a year before his body had returned to normal.
Again a female perspective....I agree with your replies. The guilt and shame play a huge part. It is not something you should take personally. It really has nothing to do with you personally.
I think you're right when you say that maybe you need ot be patient. I know this is very hard to do, but it is the best way forward.
Her emotions will be very jumbled at this time to say the least. She has much to deal with and this will take time. It is so great she has found the strength to be sober at this time.
I look forward to reading the male perspective on this situation.
Thank you all for your excellent and candid insight to such a delicate matter. I am grateful.
Like you Ladies, I am curious how guys see this topic. Had you asked me this same question 2 months ago, my answer would have been more brash, to the tune of going out and getting what I am not getting at home
What does that do for our family, etc? You guys out there any input?
from what i've researched, i would agree that it is common because of the emotional side effects of dealing with REAL life, instead of escaping. we had this talk in one of our last f2f meetings, and the answer from those that had stayed with their A is that it developed... even better than before... but over some time.
anyhoo, keep posting!!! it's certainly good to address these things, as they are a part of our lives. yours in recovery cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Yes, common. Remember that it is all right to let her know your needs - you do not have to walk on eggshells, but also remember that at this point she is a lot like a person recovering from surgery - fragile and unsure. My husband sobered up at 51, he had been drinking since he was 12. He realized that he had no idea who he was anymore - most of his identity had been centered around being the party guy. Having an intimate emotional life with the wife who had seen him at his worst sorta took a low priority when he was working on constructing (or discovering) an entire personality for himself. Lots of difficult stuff there, and of course it's not all on the A's side - WE have issues too.
It's perfectly normal , often impotent after drinking , it does pass be patient . shame an guilt also plays a large part she is stark raving sober right now probably dosen't feel lovable all her feelings are raw , give her time to settle down a little .pressure won't solve a thing . 3 weeks does not healthy make. i hope u will go to meeting f2f and meet other people (men) to share these problem s with as there are others out there who have gone thru the same thing . good luck Louise
Al-Anon prints a book called Dilema of an alcoholic marriage that adresses this problelm also a book called living with sobriety small red book talks alot about repairing sexual problems in sobriety , so u will know that u are not alone . Both can be purchased at Al= Anon meetings or literature depot.
Hope this helps. Just be patient is all I can suggest.
