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My A called me at work yesterday right at the beginning of a very important meeting and questioned me about why I had to go and then asked me to call him later so I did and...
The subject of child support came up and he point blank asked me if I had filed the paperwork for support enforcement after he said I would never see him again if I did, I'd never get a dime... I told the truth anyway and said yes. Of course he was enraged. I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut!
One of the things he said was that he would have given me every cent he made and now I'm not getting anything and he's going to run... So that got me to thinking, if that's the case then what's the problem? And I realized that the only difference is that he's not in control. It's no longer something he can hold over my head and use to manipulate me about visitation, or him staying with me, etc. Also, it's a very good sign that this is over and there's no working it out.
Then I was thinking more and decided either #1 He's not the same man I married, he's turned into a horrible monster OR #2 He always was a horrible monster and now I'm just able to see it clearly. Either way it's pretty scary. The longer I'm away from him the more I think how did I deal with that for so long. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather humble myself, drive across the US and live somewhere I hate with my mother to get back on my feet rather than take him back for the income! That says it all for me because I REALLY REALLY don't want to live with my mom or in Washington state!
I have a place inside of me that gets so angry when I hear those threats throw at people when someone is asked to do something that they are supposed to do anyway (maybe I need to do a 4th step about that..he he)!
Glad you didn't let the fear of his threats keep you from doing what you knew you needed to do.
His "running" is just like their drinking. We are powerless over it. If they wanna drink/run they are gonna.
hi i know what you mean,aboutstarting to see the true side of the A,i am going to be crossing that bridge that you just crossed myself in a few weeks{leaving AH}BUT instead of him leaving im leaving{i live in florida}im moving back to ny where my family and children r...AH and i have been together for 8 years and this past 6 months i have been seeing what everyone else has been seeing in my AH
the past six months have been a wake up call for me,keep your chin up and dont let what he says bother you,just look in the future at where you will be without him,just remember A say things just to get at us and upset us
I went through all of this with my first husband. He always bragged about how much he made and I never saw a dime of it, not even when I got pregnant with our first child. He bought his mom a computerized refrigerator and new carpeting and I had to babysit to have money to buy a used crib and sew a lot of my babies clothes.
He never paid a single dime in child support either, despite all of his bragging about how had I "not run away" (he means left him) that our baby and I would have had the best of everything, HAH!
I did not fall for it for a second, when I was with him, he did not even buy a rattle for his first child. Sheesh, I have heard of crackheads who make more of an effort.
Like you said, this is all meant to control you, manipulate you.
I am proud that you saw through that, I know it is tough.
I too had to move back in with my Mom eventually, and it wasn't easy. I survived though and I was grateful she helped me although we are not really that close. I hope things work out so you are happy.
He will be sorry later...as my EX is. Now our lovely daughter is grown and she is a daughter to be proud of. Beautiful, sweet, loving and does good in school. She does not even know who he is! He is paying dearly for his arrogance to treat us like that and he knows it.
Last time I saw him he BEGGED me to facilitate him having a relationship with her, I told him no, that the time had passed. He got visitation with her and did not bother, she was a baby when I left, only four months old, so of course she does not remember him.
You can't go back...my husband now has adopted her and given her his name. Life is teaching my EX a hard lesson...and he had it coming.
Just letting you know that he will reap what he is sowing and pay dearly for it later.
Can you imagine the pain of seeing a lovely sweet young woman who can hold her head up high and you can be SO proud of around town and know she is your daughter, your own flesh and blood and she does not even know who you are?
I hope his money takes care of him when he is old and sick like she would have...
I have found in life that what goes around comes around no matter what. Sooner or later you get what is coming to you if you treat people bad.
I hope this helps you to hold your head up high. He was sitting pretty with a cadilac and a beautiful home for many years while my daughter and I ate tuna sandwhiches for dinner and I washed our clothes in the bathtub, LOL. We were better off, trust me.
Try not to project too far ahead. He may be bluffing and you may end up getting the support w/o him running. What he has said makes no sense. If you didn't go after support he would've given you all his money? What's he going to live on? If he is threatening to run from making sure his kids eat, that says a lot about his character.
I would tend to think he is fearing the strict payment schedule that he will have to commit to by paying support. If he were just paying you, he'd feel safe in having excuses why he doesn't have the money.
I believe you are right in seeing him differently. It's much easier to see when we've steppeed back a bit. We can be pretty blind when we're living in the chaos.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I hate that your A is behaving like this with the child support issue. I hear a great deal of manipulation on his part. Bottom line, he has a responsibility to your child, regardless of whether you file with child support enforcement or make an arrangement with him and have it notarized. My experience with my A when we were separated was, he was drinking heavily then and the support was inconsistent. He left me no choice but to file for it and let the state deal with him. I have heard the same threats, but honestly what I have come to understand is they're just threats to scare and manipulate. You have the right idea, if he takes off that's abandonment, file anyway and let your state deal with him, it is his choice.
Keep taking care of you.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I remember my first marriage to an A. He said all sorts of things for nearly 14 years. How I wouldn't make it. No one else would love me. I could never find work to support me and the boys (4 of them). etc etc....then one morning I woke up, literally...I woke up and decided I had enough. He was out that night. Through days, weeks, months, of him begging me to take him back I didn't. The boys and I had months with no support, ya know what? As little as we had the boys have the best memories of those times! We laughed a lot!!! We played board games! We ate a lot of Top Ramin & Mac & Cheese! We got sample cones at McDonalds as a treat! Believe in yourself! It will be fine! Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. Oh yeah, one of the things I realized almost 6 months after we seperated but before the divorce was final was that when he called me, I didn't have to stay on the phone and take his abuse. I had the power to tell him, "if you can't talk to me as an adult with respect then I don't want to talk to you" then I would very gently hang up the phone. At first he would call back over and over so I would unplug the phone for a while then he realized that I was going to stick to my boundaries.
I strongly suggest that you don't call yourself "stupid me" - haven't we been beat up enough by this disease to continue the name calling? If you have to say something then say you made an unwise decision, or that was not the smartest choice but please stop the name calling. Until I made the conscience decision not to name call - I never realized how badly I talked to myself. Respect yourself - allow yourself to be human - realize you are working on being a better person. I made an unwise decision and then let it go.
Continue to do what you need to do to protect you & your children - after all how much was your A helping before you filed the paperwork? So really what did you have to lose? It's not about what he wants - it's about what you fill you have to do that is right for you. Then just work on letting your HP take over from there.
Peace to you,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know I'm not stupid, I just did a stupid thing. I just wish I wasn't so honest all the time sometimes. I wish I would have kept the beans in a little longer so at least he could have been served. They can't even establish the order until then so really I messed up for the kids if he does run (which I also doubt). Ooooooh I'm so scared he's gonna quit his job and go live on the street again. What a threat!
