The material presented
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Welp so I balled the WHOLE freaking hour, I think almost everyone after said something to me, gave me a hug....told me to call them if I needed!!!! I was even SO pathetic that someone bought me a book cause they said I REALLY needed it!!!! So aside from THAT!!!! It went well....I feel like I could get alot of support from those people....BUT HOW can I "Detatch" from my MIL?!?! Cause you know she went with me....I though about saying 'NO" I did not want to go but they have been help full I thought it would be rude and so I went cause I knew with her there I would have to stay the whole time....cause I almost left after the first minuet!!!! When everyone was saying there names!!!! But eventhought I should have felt at ease when she placed her hand on my back at one point in time cause she was being nice to console me....INSTEAD I had this rage and just resentment towards her!!!! I am furious with her!!!! You see she is useing my husbands adiction to be a victim....this is her new flavor or the week, a month from now it will be something else....you know acts like the grand pooba and this was her 3rd meeting!!!! BUT it is the WRONG place for her to be!!!! She needs to be in AA!! Yes, she should be in Al-anon as well but so should my husband!!!! TECHNICALLY!!!! BUT she has been an alcoholic for years!!!! Yes, if she works the steps she will probabaly realize that....BUT she needs to get help with THAT first!!!! I have so much anger at her it makes me sick!!!! How can she plead her issues and call her self conserned when she cant face her OWN issues!?!? But to my piont, is I cant be there with her!!!! What do I do when she decides to share???? I have to listen to her talk about my husband!!!! Yes she is hurting I wont rape her of that but Idont know what to do!! I like the people that were there, they made me feel good, but I cant with her!!!! I knew I should have NEVER gone with her!!!! And yeah the whole car ride home....that 10 min seemed like a gazillion years she was asking me how I felt and if I thought it helped and how this is good for US!!!! I dont want her and I to be US!!!! I am ME and she is SHE!!!! It is NOT the same!!!! So then my next problem was that one of her friends was there too!! She did NOT effect me as much....but made me feel uncomfortable when she shared and mentioned me and the hurt I was going through!!!! Not that it was enought I was crying thru the WHOLE meeting but lets make it personal!!!! I felt called out and could feel everyones eyes burning through my skin!!!! YES everyone can see I'm crying do you REALLY have to point it out???? I'm justtorn cause I thought I was ready to go to a meeting and I did and boy I was wrong!!!! It was SO overwhelming!!!! I'm not ready to admit this....although in many ways I have!! I am not ready to air my hurt and let everyone see my vunerability!!!! I am a strong person but I have that strong armor on for a reason....I am very weak inside!!!! Someone did say something that made me think....they said something about lying to themselves and they just dont lie EVER!!!! I need to STOP pretending that everything is OK and just fess up that it is NOT!!!! It is hard cause I spent a long time building up my outside so no one could see in unless they slayed the dragon and a woke me from my slumber!! (yes sleeping beauty annalogy) I thought I was happy in that fortress but I was just lonley. Now it is me, my husband and our child protected by the jaws of life!! And someone is trying to break down that wall!!!! I have to figure out how to lessen that wall so we can truly be happy but on the other hand I dont want just anyone or thing to be able to infiltrate my family....but it has....so I guess this is the rebuild....gotta get a stronger army to protect us from the bad!!!! Can I call in the marines?? I just am at a lost for what to think or do!!!! I like the people there, cant stand my MIL being there....wish her friend would not have called me out like that!!!! What do I do?? I KNOW this needs to be for me, but in a way I feel like I am there for HER with her sitting beside me, and I think she needs to be in AA first!!!! She needs to face her demonds before she fasces the ones she has with my husband OH and her father who was a borderline alcoholic!!!! Oh I also got asked the million dollar question if my father was one....NO he was just a not so nice word!!!! But I do have realtives that are....his mother and father were ones!!!! So you can guess why he is that way!!!! By what should I do anout my MIL???? just go for me and tune her out....or call one or two people and find another group?? I just dont know!! I'm at a lost!!
So you had some good stuff and some not so good stuff? Did they say the slogan "Take was you like and leave the rest"? You heard a/some good stuff hold on to that. The other stuff will pass. Are you able to get to meetings by yourself? Did you get phone numbers from the members that were there? These are some solutions and just to let you know not all meetings ever went well for me either. They are all in the past. I don't have do deal with them today. My home meeting is tomorrow night, the Wednesday Night Turning Point Al-Anon Family Group in Hilo. Tomorrow isn't here yet either and although I can look forward to the steady members and the newcomers that are coming regularly I only have this moment to live in. Let the rest of it go and stay in the moment. Did you get a meeting list that tells you where the other meetings are and at what time?
And a member bought you a book? Awesome!! That is what family is about...especially this family. It happens all the time and I am happy it happened for you. Now all you might consider doing is put away all the negative stuff that is occupying your spirit and go read the book.
hon, do it for you. the program is for you. your MIL can get what she wants out of it, and that's okay. she can continue to be a victim, or maybe learn some stuff there. you only have control of you. keep coming back. perhaps that group has meetings on other nights, as well, where you could go without MIL
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
