The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, I would like to thank everyone for their kind words and shared experience which is giving me a glimmer of hope here. I am doing a lot of thinking and trying to figure it all out now. I have never been a patient person and I seem to think my higher power is trying to teach me this. If I could share one experience, don't ever pray for patience-LOL. I am the type person who wants things yesterday. I had wished and wished for my partner to quit the drinking and find some recovery. Four months ago, it happened. My prayers were answered. She is going to quit drinking and life will be GREAT! What the hell was I thinking? Her life is getting better and she is finding happiness and peace for herself. This is good, this is want we want for the people in our lives. I am going through a lot trying to findmy place in this whole recovery thing. I feel very alone for the first time in my life and it scares me. My partner is wonderful and we have a very honest, open, and loving relationship. Who could ask for anything more? I have heard the phrase "Sometimes love is just not enough." I never understood that phrase until now. She loves me to death and would do anything in her power to take away my hurt,pain, loneliness, etc... Yet, we are powerless. She loves me as I love her, but it's not enough. Her voids are being filled in meeting and with other A's.
My last post was a big pity party. I am human, I am going to complain and stomp my feet and yell "life isn't fair!" So, ihave stomped my feet until they have hurt and yelled until I became hoarse. No one is going to change things for me. A new life isn't going to come knocking on my door. Some people have that luck, but not me. I have taken the experience of my partner's sponser who is the most incredible person I know. Yes, I have much admiration and respect for her. I am told to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. So, I am becoming very uncomfortable and taking some chances. I am meeting new people, very hard since I was once outgoing and am suddenly very shy. To say the least, life has my knees shaking and my heart pounding.
Anyway, her love isn't enough. There are other things I need to fill my life right now. I need friends and a support group of my own. I also need to recover. So, I choose to recover.
Here goes.....tomorrow I am really going to get out of my comfort zone and do something very uncomfortable.
Hang in there, dude. Your letter could have been written by me...that's how similar our situations are. I made my decision this morning, with the help of my kids. I choose to recover, too. She just won't be a part of it.
Oh I sure can relate. It seems as though there are so many of us new to al-anon hitting the boards here and I am overwhelmed by the similarities of all of these situations.
Like you, I also considered myself pretty outgoing and I am having such a hard time talking about this. Going to my first Al-anon meeting last week literally made me sick. It's a 30 minute drive and I sobbed the whole way there, sat in the car for another 10 minutes coming up with all sorts of reasons why I didn't "need" to go, and I don't know how, but I walked in that door. I faked through some niceties and just soaked it all in. I didn't say a word. Still, I felt peace there. I got a hug from another lady and I just began sobbing again, gained my composure, and sobbed all the way home.
And you know what..I am going back. Because I do need this support and I do need to just focus on me while the AH figures out what he's doing. His lack of committment to either a treatment program or counseling is out of my hands and I can't obsess about it anymore. I am somehow, someway, going to learn to let go.
Please come back and post. I find comfort in reading them.
none of us need to be alone. through the face to face meetings, i've met the most wonderful, light-hearted caring people. that's who i want to surround myself with. my phone isn't as "heavy" as it used to be. i can reach out to them, and they pick up the phone, really listen to me, and sure, i have learned to 'really' listen also... it's a great thing, i like where it is taking me. i feel the progress and am even "proud" of ME, sometimes. this website is great, but we are also social creatures, and the face to face provides that loving, safe environment where I see real people who I care for and return that care in the same manner.
i speak only for me, but that excrutiating loneliness can be lifted... i reach out, now, and i do it for me.
much love, family
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
