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I had a very difficult weekend with the A. He has stopped doing anything but play video games, watch TV and sleep. He hasn't changed his clothes in like a week. He has been at this place before of complete self indulgence and withdrawal. I always coaxed him out. I don't know what's worse his total self indulgence with irritability and sensitivity or this withdrawal. He doesn't go out at all. He let his telephone go. In the past I would have stood on my head to pull him back. Now I say very little. At the same time its pretty hard to sit beside someone who isn't bathing at all. He does eat compulsively. He does play with the dogs that's about it. None of his friends, needless to say, are coming around to see him. His mother makes no effort to call or write and she is well aware his cell phone is down. His brother, who lives up the street, does nothing either.
When I was in this place in the past I always felt totally responsible for him. I've paid bills for months. I've cooked, cleaned, cajoled. In the end he lashed out at me terribly so I stopped doing that. As I have not been paid by either place I work at its pretty difficult for me to take off somewhere. Next weekend I plan to do that. I will be gone for at least a day. I know that will be a relief. I'm still walking on eggshells around him. His total withdrawals alternate between vicious mean temper tantrums. I know I just can't do another holiday like this one. On the holidays he is so much worse. The first holiday I ever spent with him was like this. If I had had some self protection I could have took off then. Instead here I am 5 years later same old same old only difference is that now I have al anon.
The money stuff is huge for me. I am furious that the hotel didn't pay me. They did it on purpose I know that much. The issue with that our new Governor (California) cut all the labor board spending. If I go to the labor board which I will have to do in the end, its two years to get a hearing. I know once I file with them that they will pay up but I don't want to be in the position of filing and then having them cancel the check that's in the mail. This month is the hardest month bill wise.
I also have to say I'm worried about the bills. The A has not worked the electricity bill is no doubt high (its been cold) he has let it be cut off before. The mood he is in these days he may well do that. After all he has let everything else go. I think he will pay the rent but I can't count on much. After all he can't even change his clothes these days.
I don't feel responsible for the A anymore I know that's progress. I know I should make more effort to go through my stuff and get ready for the move but I'm stuck in some ways. I still dont' see a clear way out. For some people like this A there seems to be no bottom. He's been to jail, he's lost his license before, he's lost his health (part of the reason why he's sulking) he lost income. He's lost friends, he's lost everything yet there is no bottom for him. He just keeps on doing the same old stuff. Life for him has to be entirely on his terms or he acts like a two year old. I realise I am still in hyper reaction to him and I focus a lot on myself nevertheless I do find myself sucked in to his mood and his tantrums. I don't react to him but I find myself venting for hours to friends and I know I can't do that for ever or they will burn out.
I guess I just have to pray and turn it all over once again.
I would look at seriously what's in front of me. Dirty dishes in the sink? Then clean them. Dirty laundry on the floor? Then wash it. Bed unmade? Then make it. Whatever is right in front of you, handle it.
Keep it simple, surrender: do what you can, where you're at, with what you've got. Then, let the rest go.
I agree with Tiger, take care of the things you can. You are doing well by not getting involved in what is going on with your A. If electricity gets shut off, I guess he won't be playing video games will he? I know that affects you too but you seem much more resourceful then he is. What would he do with himself all day with no electricity? When his tantrums occur, you have the option of walking away. I know money is tight..but do you have any friends in the legal profession that could write a letter to the hotel, demanding payment? If nothing else, you could write it telling them your intentions and also you could report them to the BBB. You can do that online. They will recieve a letter stating there has been a complaint amade gainst them. Sometimes doing a little footwork can produce the result you want.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You hang in there and just don't forget about yourself..I know things get hectic and we tend to forget about us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep your chin up and do something nice for yourself today~take care.
I'm still struggling financially almost a year after my A and I finished. I don't see a way out at the moment either.
My A and yours sound related! I know how hard it is to keep the focus on you when he just sits there in a stew of resentment and plays childish games and does nothing to help out. I used to get so mad inside,and bite my tongue-then wonder why I felt so ill. Like you,everything depended on me sorting it out and digging deeper and deeper into my own pocket to make things liveable. Him knowing the cash was at an absolute end did nothing to change his attitude,nor did it stop him only going out to find drinking buddies to get high with. I never thought it was possible to feel so lonely in a so called partnership.
We had our water and electric cut off so many times.I thought by allowing that to happen,he would suffer and would do something about it. He never did,so it was me suffering on my own until I could find a way to pay. The resentment used to really eat me up at times.Even now I have to check myself when I feel myself getting angry that A is being taken care of(enabled) and I'm here alone trying to keep warm and feed myself with little money.I had to let it go or I knew I'd never recover.
I'd personally start packing and get ready to get out when the power goes off. I'd find a really cheap little place and start fresh from there. Once I was away from it things just came my way to help me get through and they still are. You'll see once you take the leap of faith that things just have a way of working out! As for the job, I'd make a picket sign and sit out front till they paid me to leave!
I agree with someone else's reply - OMG, my "A" and yours must be related. I can tell you this - it is a purposed withdrawel, it is a purposed ignoring, it is a purposed immaturity. My "A" said to me in the past "oh, little miss perfect" - because he knows I show up for my job day in and day out, pay my bills, take care of business, while he was doing what your "A" is doing - nothing, living off the fat of the land, draining finances, leaving everything to me. He used to do the same exact thing, sit, play video games, eat...no chores, no work, no communication, depressed.
But hey, it gets better. Now in recovery, get this -> the selfishness doesn't disappear! It's still all me, me, me, me, me. As soon as he started making steady money (after 2 months), he took off, moved out, found an elder in our church to give him a place rent-free (so more of his money goes in his own pocket).
So brace yourself...it sounds like this guy is pretty selfish, has been from long before you came around, and will be for a long time only to change IF he works his program diligently and IF he focuses on the part of the program that deals with self-centeredness.
If they gave more then scraps of commitment, scraps of affection, scraps of effort, shoot, imagine how in love we'd be then. Will it happen?
Sounds an awful lot like clinical depression to me - if you at least suggest he see a doctor, you will feel that you have done your part, and be less likely to second guess yourself. You can't make him go to the doctor, of course, but the suggestion is casting the seed.
Well the A does go to the doctor regularly. He is totally anti any kind of anti depressant. I don't make suggestions for him anymore. I am so so burned to the crisp with enabling and helping him. Where did it get me?
