The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm probably covering much of the same ground other posts have covered, but from what I've read on the message board, it doesn't seem like anyone minds that too much, so I'm going to tell my story, with the hope that the writing of it helps bring me out of the numb, dead feeling I have much of the time, and that I might get some feedback from others which will help me as well. Warning: it's a long post. I need to get it all out though.
I've been married to my wife for 4 years, and have been in graduate school for just slightly more time than that. She started drinking heavily about 3 years ago. I made the mistake of thinking I could control her drinking by locking up the alcohol and having her ask for drinks. Looking back, I see the denial I had about this solution, but it seemed like the only realistic solution at the time. She was drinking at least a pint if not more of whiskey every night, and her kids (my stepkids) who had been getting straight As, were starting to be affected, so I took what option it seemed I had.
Of course, it will surprise none of you that at various times she seemed to be more drunk than could be possible from what I doled out to her. So I'd start looking around the house, and would invariably find a bottle. Or I'd see her acting suspicious and wait to catch her digging out a bottle behind a closed door. I got called nasty names, and of course all behaviors were exaggerated. I started rationalizing with myself that maybe I was making too big a deal out of this, and would drop the issue. But I also found more bottles, and finally gave an ultimatum that I was tired of the search, and if I found another bottle I would involve her parents (her dad is a recovering alcoholic, with over 28 years of sobriety). Of course, instead I just kept the secret.
About two years ago, she became sick due to exposure to some gasses at work. She developed a wracking cough, and was in bed much of the time. She would return to work, then have another spell, then have to be at home. I now see the pattern, which seemed odd at the time, that often her sick spells would come during the weekend, and she would then be well enough to work again come Monday. But that pattern regressed, to where she started missing work, and the spells would last a bit longer.
I believed that she had some mystery illness, as she kept getting sick, but whatever doctors we went to could find nothing wrong. I was asked if she was taking pills or drinking or doing anything I didn't know about. I knew that couldn't be happening, because I trusted her and she wouldn't be bringing this on herself, right? But I began having to take care of more and more around the house, and felt like I needed to be available when she was vomiting and couldn't stop, as well as still trying to write papers for school and hold my 40+ hour a week job.
And I still kept doling out drinks of whiskey to her, when she wasn't "sick".
For the past two years, the unexplained illness got worse, and she finally had to switch positions at work, then was finally unable to continue, and quit about 4 months ago. All my hopes for her health improving were dashed, as she just continued to get worse. More doctor visits, more tests, no results.
December 21st, she had been doing well, then suddenly wasn't, but in a different way. After she went to bed, I searched the house again, and found a half-full bottle of vodka. I had been getting worn down by our lack of a marriage, as well as the stress of not knowing what was wrong with my wife, and the other stressors with work and school. I had been frustrated, now I was pissed. My mind reeled, and I said in my mind "I'm done."
I told her so the next morning. Of course, I was overreacting again, but I firmly told her "It's the alcohol or me." That night she asked me for a drink. I told her that wasn't happening anymore.
Her birthday and our anniversary occured around this time. I bought her cards. I got nothing in return.
On Christmas, she was "out of it" once again, and I watched her have two glasses of wine, and tried to emphasize that she needed to stop. Later, while my back was turned, she polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels near the counter my folks had out. We had to leave shortly after, but the damage was done. I later found out about the whiskey, and her parents were there to witness the whole process, and we all realized independently that we had a much more serious problem than we realized.
Our intervention came the next day, and she left the house to stay with them in a "dry" house, unable to access alcohol. While she was gone I did the search I should have done months before, and was able to find 11 bottles, some empty, some not. And every found bottle made me more bitter.
She is now back home, and it seems right now she is committed to stop drinking. She has attended AA meetings each day, and has apologized with sincerity, or at least what seems sincere. She has not asked for any more alcohol from me. And the symptoms of her "illness" which kept her bedridden for more time than not, have disappeared. Which makes me relieved and furious at the same time.
I feel guilty, because I have lost the love I had for her. I feel guilty, because so many on this board have suffered far more than I have, and have made the commitment to stay together. However, right now I can't commit to our marriage. I have told her that the most important thing right now between us is her sobriety, and we will figure out our relationship later.
But I know the relapse pattern so common to alcoholism, and find that I can't trust her anymore. She's trying so hard to not drink, and be accomodating while I find my own path now of emotions, and I just can't trust her. Her kindness feels manipulative, as though she's trying to keep me around. The kids are teenagers, and I doubt her daughter would be upset if I were to leave. Her son is what's keeping me in the marriage right now, that and the good idea I've read her and heard elsewhere, that I need to not make any major decisions for a few months at least, to allow my emotions to calm down.
You all have already helped me with advice on other threads, particularly reinforcing the idea that my recovery from this needs to be about me. I've never been one to put my needs first, and I now need to learn how to do that. Within reason. Which I guess means that I need to leave or stay based mostly on what I think the best path for me is.
Ok, I think I'm done. I'm struggling though, with anger, desire, and the continued inability to stop judging myself based on the experiences of others here and in my "outside" life.
Thanks to all who read this and respond, and to all of you brave souls who provided this forum and the other threads I've read today. I've needed to read many of the ideas you've already provided. Best wishes to you all.
I can't say if you should stay or go. You'll take the patterns you learned from the disease with you, and may not have the desire to keep up Alanon, so it may all happen all over again in your next relationship. When the Universe wants us to learn something, it can be pretty persistent!
I like healing right where I am, and not waiting for the perfect situation. One day at a time. There's a lot of Alanon resources to exhaust and healing that can be done in the here and now. Alanon will help you deal with all of it, good or bad.
I am so sorry you are enveloped in this family disease. I suggest you read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism. Read the AA big book, especially the chapter "for the wives," it really applies to all spouses. "Under the Influence" is another good book. Also try to attend an open AA meeting with your wife. If you have not yet attended a face to face Al Anon meeting please get to one as soon as possible. They can provide you with a lot of literature about the program so you can begin to learn how to take care of yourself. The program works if you work it. It takes time and effort, sometimes things get worse before they get better, but they do get better. Keep coming back to the message board, it is a wealth of support. Good luck on your journey of recovery! Babysteps
Thanks to you, babysteps and roygbiv for responding. It helps to have some other people out there so this doesn't feel so isolating.
I have offered to go to an AA meeting with my wife, and hope she takes me up on it soon.
I have started to read, and have started to give up control in my relationships as a result. That's a new feeling for me, but it already feels healthier. I can see how that attribute about me contributed to the dynamic in the relationship. Feeling some guilt about that tonight, but also trying to remember that I didn't cause this, and cannot change it alone.
You weave a poignant story. Welcome to MIP! Your story is ours and our story is yours. It is the disease of alcoholism. You don't need to apologize for your lack of love for your wife; you have been living with the disease not her. As you have probably read, Alanon tells us to keep the focus on ourselves. Keep coming back.
Keep coming back cwheel. This forum has saved my sanity more than once. A husband who slipped after 25 years sober is what I deal with, and it is difficult for me to accept the situation without allowing the resentment and anger to consume me. I am slowing learning, but who knows if I will ever find complete serenity. And so I do understand your feelings and your need to reach out to others who have walked the same path.
I wish you well in your journey, and whatever decision you make about your future with or without your wife, you will find support here among nonjudgmental people.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
if it weren't for sharing and posting on this website and at Al-anon face to face meetings, i would've went insane (oh, wait, i already was) with my wife's alcoholism. i got involved,,, not with her... her getting better has to come from her, your part is taking care of YOU.
our stories are similar, and please, man, know that you will survive this -- keep coming back here and start learning and using the tools. "if you are not satisfied, we'll refund your misery"
you didn't cause this, you can't control this (as you've found in several hidden 'items') and you can't cure it...
writing/posting is good medicine, keep sharing with us and we will be sharing with you, you are not alone, brother.
yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Welcome and I hope u find al anon meetings for yourself , anonymity is the basis of our program so it is a safe place to share what has been going on in your life . You too have to recover from her disease and Al-Anon will show u how to do that . Someone suggested that they chose to grow where they were i chose to do the same . I promised myself i would work this prog for 1 yr and if I wasn't any happier I would make plans to leave , the yr came and went he was getting sicker by the day but my life was better.
Today your wife is sober , suport her efforts with out loosing yourself , your anger is normal and justified but this is a disease and sobriety is not the answer to all of your problems. She is full of guilt and shame so does not need lectures or attitude . find meetings and share your feeling there in a safe place turns out that most of just need to be heard. Al-Anons listen and they understand . We have alot ofmen in this program now so shop around for meetings that have a few men in them where u will feel more comfortable.
I was told an A hasn't got a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old Idea , I was the old idea every one has to change not just the alcoholic . good luck Louise
Welcome to the MIP board and website, you have come to the right place!!!
Learn as much as you can. There is a ton of literature out there, alanon approved and otherwise. 5 minutes on amazon with the phrase alcoholism will show you just how many resources you have available to you.
Do not feel guilty about your lack of loving feelings towards your wife. The disease of addiction is like a living being, and it doesn't want you to love your wife.
Every time I get ready to come back and check this thread, I take a deep breath and get a little anxious. Everything seems wrong in my perception. Not that everything is, not by a long shot. My AW is still sober, and we have both done well, I think, in being kind to each other, polite, and I've made special effort to not lecture, make snide comments, or otherwise make her feel guilty.
However, two days ago she was telling me about her trip to her doctor, to continue the quest in finding out what's wrong with her. I asked if the doctor was surprised about her now going to AA, and she said that no, the doctor was happy given how much she'd been drinking. I asked how she knew, and my AW said that she had told the doctor all along how much she'd been drinking. Which floored me. I had been able to justify to some extent the progression and damage of the drinking by telling myself that she had been fooling herself too, as much as the rest of the family. Now this has been taken away, and I'm stuck. I didn't respond directly that night, but took a day to work through that information. Then I finally had to say how much that disclosure hurt, given the ramification that she could tell the doctor how much she'd been drinking, but not me, and not recognize how that must have influenced her illness.
I recognize it's the alcoholism, but that's where my logic comes in. Everything feels wrong, like I said, because emotionally I'm all over the place. I am struggling with one of the main ideas here to focus on myself, because I'm having a hard time figuring out just what I really feel. So many conflicting emotions (anger, sadness, frustration, resentment, despair, compassion).
But the responses those of you gave me mean so much. I am trying to read more, and am still working on the first few steps to reduce the control, which for me also means reducing the expectations of how things should be for me and for her. A daily struggle with that one.
So Nancy, CJ, Diva, Louise, "Bubbles123", and Michelle, thank you for reading my long-winded diatribe and thank you even more for your thoughts. I'm now going to venture onto other threads and respond to them as well. This gets progressively easier, but it's still outside my comfort zone.
