So I am taking one day at a time....Hubby and I talked today, I told him some of my fears and worries, although I really did not want to....I want him to focus on him not me.  But I cant keep much from him so I buckled....I felt better afterwards!!  He talked some too, I realized that we are both in the same boat!!!!  It was almost humorous!!  I was appologizing to him and he was to me!!!!  He is looking forward to going on Tuesday and moving on with our life without being shackled to his addictions!!!!  He also thanked me for staying with him and not leaving although he said he would understand if I did or had, but hoped I wouldnt!!!!  I married him for a reason and I realize that I was never the cause!!  He was doing it well before he met me!!!!  I'm not going to point fingers or push the blame on to someone else, but I am the reason he wants to get better and I need to take that and use that to heal myself!!  I need to tap into the love he has for me and realize that love for myself!!  And he me!! Again I wont point fingers, but  will say what has happend happend and it takes someone strong to look past that and move on!!  I can guess WHY, and I think I'd be right, but He has the strength to move on not me for him!!!!  I did it once in another time in my life when my father abandoned us.  I tried til I couldnt try anymore to make him be the father I wanted him to be, but after MANY years of heartache I finally gave up!!  I still keep in contact with him, but he is more of an aquantience than my father....it is sad, but he is the one who wont let go to the hurt he had in his childhood, so he cant move on and be who he should have been.  I understand that and know that!!  I HAD a huge issue with men when I was younger and trust, but there was something about my husband that abled me to let go and take a change!!!!  So how strange it is for me to be here now finding it so hard to deal with!!!!  I know what I need to do, I just dont like the empty I felt before....I went through so much to let go of my father, that I dont want to do the same to my husband!!!!  I know it is for the good, but I dont want to loose him!!  I am terrified of that!!!!  Yeah maybe it is the hidden problem that I though was solved that may not be, or maybe I want this too much!!!!  Surrendering is hard!!!!  I want to have faith, but I dont want a shell of a relationship with myhusband that I have with my father!!  I KNOW that the chances of that are slim....but there is a percentage that that could be the case!!!!  I know I sound reluctant but I REALLY want this to work....I know it will work IF I want it too!!  What if I work it wrong??  I know everything happens for a reason good and bad, that is my motto in life, that is how I keep up during rough times....but this seems so much bigger!!!! AM I making too much of it????  If so HOW do I make it smaller????  I was bad I did not go to a face to face meeting like I was going to and missed the one here, but hubby wanted to spend time together before he left!!!!  28 days is a LONG time!!!!  The longest we have been apart is 4 days!!!!  (in 8 years!!) But I promise that I will go to a meeting either Tuesday or Wednesday....I need to!!  Thanks!!!!  This has helped some so far....I am excited that the longer I'm here the MORE it will help!!  I actually look forward to comeing here....strange cause I so dreaded it yesterday!! Go figure!!