The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so my weekend visit to A in rehab went well...i had 8 hours of aa life...talked with a lot of A's, and their loved ones. attended my first aa meeting - heard the stories that we all know - so moving, so hopeful, so much reliance on HP. he and i had good talks....open communication - what our needs,fears,difficulties strengths are. we are cautious,hopeful,taking it one day at a time, and i am constantly being pushed to put myself first, an exercise i still find tiring but rewarding.
at one point in the visit the sadness in all these A's eyes just crushed me - you can see the shame and pain about all they have ruined for themselves and others because of this disease - its heavy to be in a room full of them. i had to go to the chapel and weep for a moment - and pray for an end to all our sufferings.
funny thing today, i get a call and some of A's dormates there are using hard drugs at night, looking rough in the morning, of course against rehab rules. my boyfriend says how much it troubles him, how it brings cravings on strong, then how he spoke to a friend there and to a counselor about it.
my reaction? hysteria. i felt hatred for those who were recklessly using - threatening my A's sobriety. i felt scared that he would use. scared that he would lie. i let it all out. i freaked.
he interpreted it as me being pissed at him. i said i was not. so interesting to look at it later....
first of all at my self...how quickly i turned those tears of compassion into fearfull anger!!! what does that say about how far i've come?
second, how much i saw others as being a threat to my A. but i know others cannot cause him to screw up...i know his sobriety is his responsibility...i was suprised at how much power i let others have over him in my mind.
third, wow, i am so reactive....i gotta be a little more grounded in my own life.
he let me rant a little, hung up calmly wit me in tears, then he called back in 15 minutes, knowing i would have gained some perspective, which i had. i said my reaction was about me - my fears and i know they are real. and that i was proud of him for handling the situation well and handling his cravings and staying sober. he said he hates upsetting me, but he doesn't want to not share the hard stuff with me.
it leaves me feeling raw and in need of my first f2f mtg
great share - you really moved me with openness of your "in the moment" emotions.
of course we are scared -- we are fear based people!!! and you are doing a phenomenal job at searching that fear to find the roots. (now ya just put your gloves on and yank them out!!!) i give your bf credit for being true to his newfound program; must've been hard telling you and a counselor that there was using going on.
truth is not to be feared. and the truth for all of us, is that it is not easy -- especially when we gots to take a good hard look at our own defects. it is much tougher to me -- my wife's are sooo much easier for me to point out ;) what a guy, huh?
continued blessings cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Fi I am so proud of you for how you handled this. Look at all the realizations you came to. I tell ya, after awhile it will all come natural. Realizing is the first step to really getting it engrained in you.
I heard myself say yes, yes and good to your post. lol
See how tender he is? He only has a week or so to go, he is in NO way ready to be out of a safe environment. Also if this is a twelve step program, he has broken his confidentiality to you. That shows you how sick he still is.
He should not be talking about the others in there. He needs to take care of his own inventory.
I remember my A yakking about his family at Xmas and what they all were using and how sick they were and blah blah, he was just as bad as them. Your A changed the focus onto the other guys so you would think about them, not him.
I hope he goes on to a halfway house and AA.
Tell us about your meeting when ya go. love,debilyn
