The material presented
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So I was on a meeting last night here and I found one tonight....I want to go but I dont!! I guess by going I am really admitting there is somthing terribly wrong. I am just scared that thing will change between us. I am having a hard time just surrendering to the idea that there is a problem and I need help to deal with it. It is hard to just let go and let what ever happen take course. I like to be in control, I like to dictate what comes next. In this instance I have NO clue how to handle this or what the outcome will be!! It is like jumping off a ledge and not knowing where the bottom is!!!! It is freaking me out!! I feel so weak and lost. I know that once I go to a face to face meeting I will understand better and feel better about it, but I am still so scared. My husband and I havea great realtionship, and I feel like by going I am saying we dont!! I love him dearly, and he is my best friend!! I dont want any of that to change!!!! I dont want him to think differently of me nor do I want to think differently of him. I am scared that either he will or worst I will!!!! What would I do then?? I dont want US to change!! How do people change with sobriety?? Is it for the better?? Or do they wake up and change all things in there life that were there during the addiction?? I will try to make it tonight but I am so scared!!!!
If he is sobering up, then things are going to change. HE is going to change. You can either be part of his recovery, and change with him, or you can stay where you are, and grow further apart.
If he does not sober up in the long term, but has a relapse, then things are going to change. His disease will take more and more of him, and the reactions of both of you to it will make you both more and more insane. Unless you start to get better, and save yourself.
The most supportive thing you can do for him, the best way you can show him you love him and want to help him, is to get better yourself. Your need for control, your anxiety about change, are, I think I don't need to tell you, signs that YOU also need recovery. If he is an alcoholic, then he has a fatal disease - it will kill him, sooner or later, if he doesn't seek recovery. If you put your head in the sand and try to deny the reality of this, you are not helping him, you are not helping yourself.
Change is part of life - if a living thing does not change, it dies. With the help of this program, you can learn, slowly, how to embrace change, how to welcome it and use it to make you happier and healthier. There is a fearless and healthy person inside of you, and you can let her out. Welcome
I can tell you from experience, that the dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship is different. It has no choice but to change. My AH is sober almost 8 months and he's changed. I started to change when I came to Alanon. See the first thing I learned about recovery is this: You recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living strong. Take no prisoners. Having said that, I've learned to react differently to hubby and other As when they are active. I've grown and changed. It gave me the tools to do what I need to do to get healthy.
There is always that fear that our A may not like who we are once they get sober. But did you ever think that maybe when you work your program you may not like your A any longer? Relationships aren't a stagnant thing. They grow and change just like we do. I find I need my program now more than ever because he's sober. He works his and I work mine. But we also work on some recovery together.
Always remember, addicts only have 2 choices: get sober or don't. The latter will lead to one of the following or all: jail, institution or death. I for one would prefer that my husband be sober even if somewhere down the line, he is not my husband any longer.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My A is active, but he had quite some time in AA before I met him. When I started going to Al-Anon I discovered something. We were able to communicate better when we used what I call "program talk." It brought us even closer together.
As the others have said, life is full of changes. Change can be a really good thing too. It's all about learning how to embrace it.
Worried about losing control? Why not look at it instead as learning how to control just yourself? That's a good thing too. Besides, ourself is the only thing we really can control.
Going to Al-Anon doesn't have to mean "there is something terribly wrong." It can also mean "I want to make my life better." Do we go to school because something is wrong? No, we go to learn more. We go to improve our life. Just like we go to Al-Anon to improve our life. See... it doesn't have to mean "something is terribly wrong." It's all in how we look at it.
Glad you are here (((((Klynn)))))...keep coming back!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I was at a meeting several months ago with an elderly woman whose AH had been deceased for four years and sober for 20 prior to his death. When asked why she still goes to meeting she replied "Because self-improvement is a life-long endeavor." That is now my motto for my relationship with Al Anon. It could be very easy to utilize the program only when things aren't going well, but it is so fulfilling to use it all the time. For me the program has improved my life simply because it is making me a better person in all aspect of my life. There is nothing bad, wrong, or scary about that.
I suggest giving yourself permission to attend to six face to face meetings before you make any decisions about the program. With luck you will come to see it as I do. Good luck!
Hmmmmmmmmmm, struggling with letting go the control. I know that one. I still have times when I like to keep the hands on the wheel. But then I remember where I was when I walked into my first alanon meeting. I remember the hurt, the anger, the emotional pain, the lonliness. I drove myself to that point. My HP had nothing to do with that. So I remember where I will eventually take me if I try to keep only my hands on the wheel. My hands are still on the wheel, but when I am really working my program HP is really driving.
Change can be scary. I work in social services. Change is a constant for me, nad something very important that I have learned is that there doesn't have to be anything wrong for change to happen. I love my husband dearly as well. I can tell you that I first came to alanon for him. I wanted to be told how to get hime clean and sober. Well I go to alanon for me now. It isn't about him drinking/using or not, I still need to work on me. I am a better wife, mother, sister, friend, emloyee, co-worker, etc... because of alanon.
Your going to alanon doesn't say anything is wrong with him. It says that you are wanting to take care of you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I think what you're really saying is you're afraid to let go of the denial that has allowed you to live with alcholism in your life. Melody Beattie says for her denial was a blanket--it soothed, comforted, and allowed her to cope. But at a certain point, she goes on, it became time to let that "blanket" go. There's a reason, she emphasizes, why pacifiers are not made in adult sizes, just in baby sizes.
Letting go of our illusions, delusions, our fears and our feelings is a life long process. When we begin to change our prospective on how we feel about a person, place, event, memory, we become aware that how we looked at it in the past is no longer how we are looking at it now. It is a scary, if not outright terrifying moment. Which is why we recommend people get a sponsor: as more and more of these prospectives are brought to light (the way you view your relationship to your husband won't be the only thing you examine in this program should you choose to stick around), your reactions will change. You will change. It is very scary. That your first reaction is fear is not necessarily a bad thing; it shows you are becoming in touch with yourself, and that is immense progress.
I heartily recommend at these meetings you find a woman with a solid program and ask her to be your sponsor and begin involving you in the al anon program. She will become an emotional rock for you upon which as more and more of your former beliefs become challenged, you will feel safer "just pushing forward."
You know I feel like my WHOLE life has been fixing what is wrong!!!! After my parents divorse I was crushed and left with a non-exsistant father....he went from being my best friend to a ghost!!!! I worked my butt off trying to make him be who I wanted him to be and when I finally DID meet him 8 years later, I did not know him!! I might as well have been talking to a stranger!!!! I fought hard to better myself, I had gone through the counceling and found a hobby to eventually replace that!!!! But that hobby turned into an obsession, that I later realized!! NOTHING else mattered....and I was wrong!!!! Other things DO matter!!!! I tried for 10 years to fill a void to fill my lonelyness....to find that thing that MATTERED!!!! I met my husband and instantly felt better, we Got married and had a child and I never felt fuller the lost I had once flet, I KNEW why I was here and my purpose!! I lost my obsession I called a hobby and focused on them. In that I focused on my job cause I was making money that went toward our well-being, but in that I lost who I was and I neglected my famiy's needs, which made me NOT realize the extent of my husbands problems!!!! It is strange how one day you feel so FULL and the next you feel so EMPTY!!!! I have not felt like this 8 years!!!! I feel just as bad as I did when my father left if not worst!!!! I dont want to be alone!!!! I know myself too, I know that I have been pushing my husband away....I dont want to talk to him, I dont want to look at him!!!! I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want to look at anyone!!!! I am hurt and I feel empty!!!! I feel like I'm a shell of the person I was!! The person I liked!!!! NOW all of that seems like it is gone!! I am tired of working hard to make myself feel better!!!! I just want to feel GOOD!!!! Why cant I??
for me, soon after I got invovled in alanon, there were some hard-to-take events. They made me face up to problems that I had not been dealing with, all along. I went to a counselor, as well as to my meetings, for about a year. It really helped - the ttwo worked together to help me see the patterns in what I had been doing.
You might want to see a counselor for a while, just to help you spot your own patterns - it doesn't have to feel this bad.
Thanks!! I was thinking about that tonight!! Actualy my husband and I were talking about that tonight during our meeting experiences!! OH boy!!But I think that is something that we are going to check into cause it is SO many different issues ROLLED into one!!!! Were just messes!!!!
Your posts bring back pre-Al-Anon memories. I too was a mess but then I learned that the situation was normal for a pre-Al-Anon member. Al-Anon members do not give advise or should not give advise. We give suggestions based upon our experiences in recovery and what worked for us. I've been a member for a while and can still remember what worked for me as a newbie. It was suggested that I get to as many meetings as I could within the next 90 days before I decided if the program was for me. It was suggested that I come early, help set up the room or make coffee (hot water and instant...no biggie) and chat with other members. It was suggested that I take "my" seat (I had earned it) and sit and listen with an open mind. It was suggested that after the meeting that I hang around with the other members and ask those with good/solid recovery, questions that were nagging me.
"Take little bites" I was told and don't try to change anything for the next 90 days. The problem didn't happen overnight and the solution wasn't going to either.
I took the little "bites", the solutions, and hung around and I am very grateful I did. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose/gain? 1 to 2 hours out of a day for an Al-Anon meeting isn't a whole lot of time considering the 8 years you already have invested right?
I am learning little by little and I think that was one thing that seemed very frustrating or maybe more unsatisfing....there ARE NO ANSWERS!!!! You know you cant dispute 1+1=2....EVER!!!! It will always in every language and every situation = 2!!!! I LIKE answers!!!! I HATE uncertanty and not knowing "THE ANSWER"!!!! I just cant let go of that for some reason!!!! There HAS to be an answer....but I know there is NOT!!!! My self delemah right now!!!! It is like I am arguning with myself and neither side can win!!!! I know it needs to stop and I try to make it stop but I'm NOT listening!!!! I am like that kid that keeps putting my hand in the fire cause it is warm and pretty!!!! Will I get burned....YEAH!!!! Will I stop and NOT do it....Possibly!! Cause I am one of those stong willed kids that wants to do what I want!!!! You know I just may stick my hand back in cause I want to decieve the fire....I want to prove it wrong!!!! HOW do you change that?!?! I know it has to change cause for somethings YEAH that is a wonderful trait but for others it is the absolute worst trait to have!!!!
Thanks to you and everyone else for being so supportive when I have not been the best of recipiants!!!! I will get better but it will take a few spankings and punishments to realize I shouldnt do certain things!!!! And to be able to change those lovely traits I have!!
Hey does anyone know how to knit???? I got this big urge to night to start knitting....I was admiring my sweater tonight and though HOW cool it would be to knit!!!! Is it easy or tricky????
I can knit - it's easy once you get the hang of it. You can make a sweater using just two basic stitches, and they are actually the same, just backwards. I learned by taking a community college course - I think it was eight lessons and by the end of it I had made socks, mittens and a baby sweater. I would say you could find someone to teach you the basics, and then it is easy to teach yourself harder stuff from a book. Once you learn to follow a pattern you can make just about anything - about the third or fourth thing I made was a sweater for my son with a picture of a dinosaur on it. It fit, too.
I found it great for those long nights when my husband was out at the bar - I would put on the radio, or something on TV that I didn't have to watch every second of, and knit. You have to pay pretty close attention so it helps you keep from obsessing, but it's not so hard that you can't watch TV at the same time. At the end you have something nice, so it beats doing crossword puzzles or things like that.
