The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A and I split a few weeks ago. I have a nice new place to live and although it's lonely without him, I'm setting in. I'm doing okay. I had no choice but to split I felt. His drinking was getting worse and worse and I couldn't cope with it at all in the end. I thought I was doing the right thing by going. I still do ofcourse, but I now miss him a lot as well.
Anyway, he called me quite a few times over new year and I didn't answer his calls. It was just too painful to keep draging it out. He called me at work yesterday and I had to speak to him. After he ranted about my phone being off, he said he missed me, and would I call round for a chat?
Against my better judgement I did. I arrived at his house just as he was getting home. He apologised for not having had a chance to tidy up!!! There were bags of cans and bottles, ashtrays, clothes everywhere, dirty plates, just a big mess.
I was quite shocked! I tried to ignore it, and he tried to make light of it. He says I'm too house proud and that the place was simply "lived in". We chatted for a while, but he was quite argumentitive in his tone. He resented everything I said, questioned everywhere I had been. I tried to not get engaged in an argument at all. It was not a normal conversation. He proceded to bicker and argue with me. (I asked him about his new lady friend, and he got hostile. Says I was being ridiculous. Maybe he's right!)
He says he loves me. I asked him if he's going to keep living like this. He said he's doing okay.(Itake that as a yes).
I was only there for an hour. In that time he called me a nag. I hate this name! He said I was manipulative!!...maybe I can be...only because I want a better life for him. He said I was sly, because I am always nice to his family and nasty to him. (This is not fair, I don't agree with this at all). Basically, he just wanted to argue with me and blame me for his life being the way it is. Yes, I left and he was left alone. But surely I'm not wholly responsible for his living conditions.
He's very resentful of my having a nice house, and friends and a good family and a good life. When he was sober, I felt he was a part of this too. We were happy, but because I could not put up with the drinking binges I am now the enemy it seems.
As I was going out his door he was shouting at me that I was emotionally blackmailing him. I was very upset. I can't figure out what he meant by this at all.
Anyway, I went home and had a quiet evening. I was glad to be able to escape the madness. I now feel so sorry for him, and can see him slipping so badly. He spends his time in his room alone drinking and festering. I worry about how this will end. I feel I should be doing something but I don't know what to do. I don't think he has the judgement to be able to help himself.
I have told his parents that we broke up, and that he's drinking heavily again. He didn't want them to know. I didn't think I could cope with the responsibility anymore by myself.
I know he has to reach his bottom, and that this is a necessary part of his recovery, and I pray so hard for his recovery. It's just so hard to watch him slipping away.
I just needed to vent today. I'm going to a meeting tonight. If you have any insight into this or if you think I'm missing something, please let me know. My vision is often clouded in an emotional situation.
He is an adult. You are not responsible for his happiness. It is his own choices that have led him to where he is - alone in squalor and despair. Until he accepts this, he can not get better. Anything you do to ease his pain just now only delays his acceptance. YOU did not cause this.
Please allow him the dignity of making his own choices - you may feel that his judgement is impaired too much for him to make good choices, but it is not your job to make them for him. He is blaming you just now (of course, blame is what A's do best) but if you step in and rescue him in any way, he will just blame and resent you for that, too. The best thing you can do, for both of you, is refuse to listen to this ranting. If you do decide to talk to him again, as soon as the blame starts up, walk away. You don't need to hear it, and he needs to realize that you are not his whipping boy. Eventually he may get tired of talking to himself, and realize that his actions have consequences.
what you say makes so much sense. I know I have to allow him the dignity to reach his bottom in whatever way it takes. And I have come this far...this amazes me at times. I truly think I am being carried through this.
I know what I have to do really, and I will endeavour to do it. Thanks for lighting the way.
Hi I am new to this board and am considering leaving my A. After 20 years of being sober he began drinking 2 years ago. I have to tell you that in your post even though I could read how ill your A is; it was so helpful to me to read how well you are doing. I could see that you have taken care of yourself and that is a tremendous inspiration to me in my recovery.
I admire you for being strong and rational. I agree, he is an adult that needs to make his own choices. You have done what's best for him but you can't be expected to do everything, can you?
Best wishes
Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
You are so so strong in spite of a really tough situation. Please remember that you are doing the most loving thing right now in letting him go. It is the toughest thing to do but it really is important to know that you have to let him go on his way so that he can realize his bottom on his own, thus he will be more apt to reach out for help.
I really think you sound very calm and know what kind of peaceful life you want - despite missing him terribly - I do know that pain. I pray that you keep going to meetings, keep praying, keep in touch with your HP in all kinds of ways, helping others is a good way to get out of your worries I find.
I pray that your A and you both find peace and love in your lives. Know that HP does things in his time, and you need patience to continue to be strong sometimes. Patience is so hard to get used to, but essential to a peace-filled, healthy life. I pray for his recovery AnnMarie... thank you for your strength, you show others how important taking care of oneself is...
Thank you for your strength. I dream of walking away from the A. Every day I get a little closer. I will not be in touch with him once I am gone. That is it for me. He is so manipulative and angry I have had enough.
Thank you for reminding me there is a point in a plan b.
