The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At 5:48 am today Thursday January 4, 2007, after the latest lashing out at me, I finally give up and no longer wish to take the emotional abuse of my recovering alcoholic/drug addicted wife.
Anything else has to be better than this. I absolutely positively have done nothing wrong but support her. Never an abusive husband, very supportive and encouraging.
I assisted her in her recovery from crack and alcohol 3 years ago, she relapsed Dec 1, 2006, and and I have been here for her this last few weeks as she detoxed, and is working her program.
The loneliness, the abuse, the affectionate distancing, etc is just hurting me too much. I am becoming what I am not. This is not what I wanted for the rest of my life or for the quality of marriage life. Then the constant fear that she will relapse again. I am now learning that this is a 22 year addiction that I have inherited.
Our poor kids, the hell they are about to experience,, but I feel that on the long run it will free them up for a better life.
I am going to fight like hell to gain full custody of our 3-1/2 years old daughter.
I also have a 3 1/2 yr old son. I know how hard this is and how it effects your family. Only you can make the decision of what is best for your family. I am also at the point that if my A drinks again I am ready to walk to protect myself and my son.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! You don't mention if you have been a member of Alanon before, but here you will find people from all over the world that understand the pain you are going through right now.
Nobody will tell you to divorce or not because we are not in any possition to give that kind of advise, but what you will get here is understanding and the benefit of others Experience, Stength and Hope for your situation.
I downloaded the internet divorce papers about 2 weeks before I came to Alanon. That was 11 months ago and although I have not filed for divorce, I have carved a life out for myself and my kids in spite of the fact that my AW (alcoholic wife) continues to drink daily.
When I came here it was suggested not to make major life changing decissions for 6 months, so that I can become involved in the program and try to take the hysteria away from my own thoughts. I was beside myself, to the point of being suicidal.
That is no state of mind to make major life decissions, so that was a good suggestion for me.
I believe my HP who I call God drug me into this program kicking and screaming. I couldn't be more grateful. Life is not all roses now, but I can see the roses now and appreciate them. That is a huge step for me.
I hope you will come back and continue to post. The people here are great, and you being here helps everyone.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am sorry for the pain and hurt I hear from your heart. Welcome to MIP. Please keep coming. Take the focus off of her and put it right back on you. Focus on your needs, your wants, your happiness, your daughter.
Alanon does suggest you wait 6 months (unless it's life and death) before making any major decision as usually by the time we are get here, it's out of desperation and it's not good to make "emotional" decisions. One of the best pieces of advise I received was treat your divorce "like a business deal." WHAT ??????!!!!!!!! I thought. Well business deals don't have all that emotional baggage and as a result it's not a matter of getting back at someone. You split things down the middle based on your number of years in "business" and can walk away with your held high not only for the way you handled yourself but the way you divided things fairly and equitably.
I hope you keep coming. This program is not a quick fix but it is a program full of experience, strength, hope and love that works if you work it and you are worth it.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
It takes so much courage to do this. I hope it is a straight path for you. You are giving your kids a chance at a better life and you too.
Just becuz we love someone, does not mean we can live with them. My mother told me that many years ago when I was a kid.
Please keep coming back and updating, venting whatever you need. Getting Them Sober may help you, a good book.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love is too.
We all care very much. It will get easier I very much promise you!! My babies were like 4 and 5 when I made my A go completely away. They are better people for it. They only saw ONE bad incident and they both remember and it scared them to death.
To save your children is so wonderful. It is not an easy decision!!!
hi Cuca welcome to MIP. I've always liked the idea of no big changes for 6 months. Please consider coming back to read experience strength and hope available here.
By the way, your avatar would have been perfect for me when I first got to al-anon. I had a halo (although al-anoners pretended it was invisible or immaterial), and I kind of walked around like I had a pain in my patoot, like the victim I thought I was. Man, that says more than anything to remind me of where I started.
I've been here a year. I am not married to the A but leaving is a complicated business. I have pets rather than children and that alone keeps me stuck on some levels. There are also numerous numerous financial issues as well as emotional. I would say give al anon a chance to sink in for a bit before taking action. Have the divorce as part of your plan b. Don't let the a know until you "mean" it. I do find with the a when I mean things he responds. I have to constantly work on what I "mean" and how I would like to "control" his addiction.
There are the 3 c's to remember.
This is a great great resouce. Use it wisely. I miss coming here desperately. The a has let the internet go as well as his cell phone recently. I am sick to with his financial issues and others. At the same time I am more self protective of me than I ever was. I don't make moves anymore that might hurt me. I don't make threats at all. I make actions.
Give al anon a shot for a while then take your actions that will help tremendously. All the drama around those actions will be gone and some of the pain will be alleviated.
Greetings. I went to my first Face to Face Meetings yesterday. One in the morning and one in the evening.
Let me tell you, it was like being reborn I love it! The ladies there were very funny but incredibly enlightening and encouraging. They helped me sort through my emotions without uttering one word of advise. Of course the three Cs came up, and listening to their journeys helped me ask if I was thinking of divorce because of what my A was doing or if I was thinking of divorce because I was lonely, hurt, scared, and impatient.
I guess I can't ask my A to do things differently without asking myself to do things differently also.
Aluta Continuata (The struggle continues). That is not what I want to say. What I want to say is that the blessings continue. My HP brought me here, and you all encouraged me to a F2F. Praise God. It is a very good day today.
just want to wish you well and say it has ben so good for me reading your posts your experience brings me some clarity for my own situation....i have an Aboyfriend... i have only found alanon here 2 weeks ago..i have two little girls 3 and 6....your experience makes me want to seek a F2F mtg, but with the kids it is hard.
as someone said above, for me decision making has felt best coming from a peacefull place...those explosive moments of claitry will inform me, but if the decsion comes from calm, it feels so much stronger. usually it is the same decision for me.
so happy for you that you have found this path....
I love it! The ladies there were very funny but incredibly enlightening and encouraging. They helped me sort through my emotions without uttering one word of advise. Of course the three Cs came up, and listening to their journeys helped me ask if I was thinking of divorce because of what my A was doing or if I was thinking of divorce because I was lonely, hurt, scared, and impatient.
It is a very good day today.