The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I called the A tonight, don't know why just had the urge, he's starting a new job tomorrow and all. So of course he asks me how come I don't call more often and are we going to get back together and when can he come home (I hope he was joking) and he kept brining up things either I didn't want to talk about or didn't have the answer to. When can I see the kids? I felt like saying I don't know when can you? Then again with the are we going to get back together and he says I just don't know what to do and I say live your life and so he says ok I'm gonna go I'm gonna get on with my life and I said ok and hung up. It felt like an argument but not really because I just wasn't vested and into it like I used to be. It was just matter of fact. I used to feel really sick inside and jealous when I thought of him with someone else, now I think I would be releived if he found some other poor soul to take care of him. Maybe I'll get lucky and like her and she'll be good with my kids and give me a free day here and there. Because that's what it comes down to it'll be how much I trust her not him. I just don't have the tingly feeling inside for him anymore and I don't think it can come back. Part of me thinks I don't want it anymore because it usually leads me into trouble but it also makes me feel alive. What to do what to do??? I wonder if I can still have the tingly feeling but have it go good and not bad???
That longing, tingly feeling went away for me in time. Last time it went away, then he came back sober and on program. I loved him but NO tingly feeling. I begged HP. Got it, married him, now you know where i am....I don't have it now....
I lost the tingly feeling a long time ago. I see that now as my codepdence. I was going to make it work! Now I know there is no chance of that. I also know that I absolutely cannot do it on a long term basis. I just can't submit myself to it.
1. you answered your own problem. You know not to call him, and you did. What you're looking for is someone to fill the hole of loneliness that a partner fufilled. When you do your 4th step with your sponsor, take extra time when you go through your sexual, personal relationships with men. Why were you in those relationships? How long did they last? Under what circumstances did they end? How did you cope when they did end? Who intitiated the relationships? And, like always, be certain you have yourself, God, and a through fear list on there.
2. If ever you have an urge to call him in the future, call a new comer to al anon instead. Chew the fat, call to check in, but call al anon new comers. You have no need to call someone who violated your dignity, and please don't forget, he was willing to break into your home when you were 300 miles away and powerless to do anything. Additionally, if you need to fill the hole of emotional reassurance, your first call should be to your sponsor or to your al anon/aa supports, not to someone who has helped to create this vortex that is now your life.
3. If you are looking for the so called "tingly feeling" I also suggest you find a way, with the kids, to become more active and more a part of the community. for example, Toys for Tots is not only a november/december thing, but meets all year sorting, categorizing and organizing for the big push november/december. Likewise the food bank weekly needs people willing to sort and stock the food they recieve. Getting your jollies sexually is not a healthy outlet when what is really at stake is a need to be fufilled emotionally, period. That's where al anon service work, community involvement, or reaching out beyond yourself comes into play.
4. Sit down with your sponsor some time and see if it is possible to budget for a baby sitter or for one of the older children to watch the others, and have you pay her. This way you can physically have time to yourself that is removed from your children, even if it is for 2 hours, like for a movie.
Tums, indeed...