What is manipulative behavior? - Al-Anon Family Group

kissers · Senior Member

What is manipulative behavior?

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.

2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

kissers · Senior Member

Thank you Christy for your post. I know one of my insecurities is financial security, but it's difficult to hide that fact since I am a single mom. My therapist told me my ex was using me, but I did not want to believe it. It broke my heart because I really thought he loved me. I'm afraid to ever date again.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((kissers)))

I can understand your fear, but you know that you can set boundaries when it comes to dating/money. You've learned a few things from your A, no doubt. Take those things and file them away under "never again". You may even thank him some day for teaching you what to watch for.
I hope you don't stop dating because one person (albeit and important one) did this to you. I do my best to consider adversity a learning lesson. When we don't learn is when it happens again. It's up to you whether it happens again now. You're in control right?
Please don't let one person get in the way of future happiness. That's giving the person that hurt you power that they don't deserve.

Take care
Christy

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

ma·nip·u·late

/məˈnɪp

yəˌleɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[muh-nip-yuh-leyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object), -lat·ed, -lat·ing.

1.
to manage or influence skillfully, esp. in an unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings.

2.
to handle, manage, or use, esp. with skill, in some process of treatment or performance: to manipulate a large tractor.

3.
to adapt or change (accounts, figures, etc.) to suit one's purpose or advantage.

4.
Medicine/Medical. to examine or treat by skillful use of the hands, as in palpation, reduction of dislocations, or changing the position of a fetus.

I'm gonna wind up echoing a great deal of what Christy already said, she's got her act in line, talk with walk, so really there's nothing to detail. What your therapist is saying is that your ex is preying on your fear. Manipulation is what professionals call "predatory behavior:" it allows the person that is looking for power, for dominance, for feelings of self worth, for whatever to find out things they want about their "prey" with out really "staking out their kill."

Step back for a moment and think about the last time you made a big purchase (a washer/dryer; a car; when you went on a college tour). How were you treated? What was the atmosphere like? What were the salesmen like? How were they dressed? How did they walk? Did they chew gum, or did they suck on a breath mint? Seriously, take a minute and answer these questions.

The reality is, we are manipulated, and manipulative, every day. Going back to the salesmen (and having been groomed as such), we were taught to ALWAYS dress in suit and ties; have our teeth brushed (Sears & Roebuck actually had one time use tooth brushes on site for us if we didn't have our own); we were told to walk straight, shoulders back; ask open ended questions, specifically about feelings (How are you feeling today? What excites you about the Kenmore SD 3500?); and, above all, FOCUS ON YOU (what a great job for a co-dependent like me! )-- weren't too thrilled with a Kenmore? What about Frigidare? What brand did your Grandmother use? How'd it work for you?

Now, turn the tables, and seriously, think about how WE are manipulative: We sigh at long lines to tell the run crew at McD's to HURRY UP!; We act shocked when we see the bank has charged us OVER DRAFT FEES--we're not THAT financially irresponsible! It MUST be them!; we go into job interviews impeccably dressed, smoothly groomed, cell phone OFF--we haven't met this person, but DARN IT, we're gonna impress'em!; these are all very subtle, very normal, every day ways we manipulate. Go to Japan, they have their ways of manipulation. To London, they too have theirs. Wherever the culture takes you, there is manipulation

Now, turn the tables back to your Ex. Your therapist is pointing out the obvious, and it smarts to swallow: he may not live with you, but darn if he's gonna let you outta of his grip THAT easily. He's gonna make you hurt EVERY step of the way. So money is the big button here? He'll PRESS IT for all IT's WORTH. He'll say "Oh, but you're a SINGLE MOTHER...are you SURE you can handle this? It's SO EXPENSIVE..." "Oh, but this is [Insert what seems like an exorbitant price here], and after all, you've had such a hard time with money...."

He'll find the words. He knows them already. He's just waiting. But now the ball is in your court. How ready are you to de-activate the button?

De-activating manipulation, while difficult at first, is possible: assertiveness. "Actually, I have plans that day..." "Well, I have this going on...." Having a life, having boundries, having your self worth reassured from the inside out will create an anchor that he can't shake

And, as always, get a sponsor, work the steps, see the solution.

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kissers

Manipulation is just one way to get what you want. We can even do it without knowing it. The key here is to ask ourselves why we are saying what we are saying. It's so simple, if you are talking to your A and you really want to find out what he did last weekend, you may manipulate the conversation to bring up last weekend hoping that he'll spill the beans about what he did. It's manipulation -- tryin to find out something without asking out right. Same thing goes for getting something done or even keeping your A drawn into your life. Alanons are the worst...an I am one of them LOL. I have to stay on top of what I'm saying/doing and why I'm saying/doing it. Check your motives.

As far as the A. Well, he's going to give you want you want to hear to get what he wants. Whatever that may be. You on the other hand have to learn how to take care of yourself first. Always put you and your kid(s) above whatever it is he is needing or wanting.

My personal experience is once I caught on to my A's manipulation and didn't give what he wanted the attention etc. dissappeared. What I thought was a true interest or desire to work on things was really just him manipulating me to get what he wanted, which wasn't what I thought it was.

It's very much the dance we talk about, Okay, I'll do this and he'll respond that way. Or him thinking I'll do that and she'll do what I want.

Manipulation is totally outcome based. It is looking to create a positive outcome for you/him depending on who's doing it. It's a game. Once you stop the game yourself, you can see it more clearly when someone else is doing it to you.

I often say "check your motives L" -- and even then I'm temped to work it my way. Self honesty is the key.

Remember it's progress not perfection.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't feel bad, I am not manipulative either. Would not know how to be.

I am one who gives analogies. My A would hold his head down and put his hands on it. Lay down and cover his face, he would act all miserable like he was in pain. As soon as you said, do you need a pain pill? He would get all animated and happy like. He was not ill, he wanted drugs.

Or he would be all loving and happy do the dishes and say ya want to watch a movie? Then ask for pills.

He would say he would go grocery shopping with me and decide to sit in the truck and wait. Once I went out to get him as our friend came into the store. He was gone! He just wanted a ride to town to get alcohol. He lied and said he went to look for a part for my truck.

He would hock something then tell his family and me he had to put ten bucks on it so he would not lose it. So he would get ten bucks from everyone with out us realizeing it.

He would work and work then tell me they would not pay him. I stupidly believed it. Then I started doing his paperwork, would call people and send off bills only to find out, they had paid him. plus he would tell his mother he did not get paid so she would give him money.manipulation is part of the addiction.

They don't just love the drug, they love the coniving and plan too. I remember he told me he loved needles and all of it, the manipulating all us dummies, going to buy the dope, the adrenaline of almost getting busted, the outfit, the syringe and tube to put on his arm...sick.

I often wonder if he married me becuz he knew I always have pain pills and anti anxiety pills. He knows I rarely took them. And now he moves in with a gal who has cancer. HE does not love her or care, he just wants her drugs.

When I stopped even bringing my pain pills to the house, he all of a sudden did not want to be here. I KNOW for a fact, if I sent him a note and asked him to sell pills for me, he would call as soon as he got the letter. I would never dothat, just making apoint

hugs, love,debilyn

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

Tiger2006 wrote:

ma·nip·u·late /məˈnɪpyəˌleɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[muh-nip-yuh-leyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –verb (used with object), -lat·ed, -lat·ing. 1. to manage or influence skillfully, esp. in an unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings. 2. to handle, manage, or use, esp. with skill, in some process of treatment or performance: to manipulate a large tractor. 3. to adapt or change (accounts, figures, etc.) to suit one's purpose or advantage. 4. Medicine/Medical. to examine or treat by skillful use of the hands, as in palpation, reduction of dislocations, or changing the position of a fetus.

manipulation.. hmm.. i think lil miss moonmoth has made very excellent points. for me, the key is to bring it to consciousness, instead of acting upon it subconsciously.

then again - if any of you think of me as a "big tractor" (definition 2), your welcome to keep on manipulating.

:)

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Kissers)))))))

I am so glad you brought this up today. It is exactly what I was struggling with this morning. (((((Everyones)))))) insite was really what I needed to hear.

Hope you found it useful, I sure did!

Take care of you!

kissers · Senior Member

I guess it all boils down to your intention. My ex would constantly put me down. There was always something wrong with me. I kept thinking that I must have been doing something wrong. Then one day, he wanted sex and I didn't want to do it so he raped me. I am now 25 lbs overweight. I used food to bury the pain I was feeling. Anytime I tried to talk to someone they told me to get over it. I'm not over it yet, but I am getting there. There's a lot of shame I feel about my body and I hide my feelings very well. On the inside I am crying. I grieve for thinking he cared about me. I picked a man just like my father (the original A). I didn't see it then, but I can see it now. It was all about power, control, and oppression. My brain has been programmed to think that is love. Sad, very sad.

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

You got it my friend. What we are looking for, how we go about it and how we achieve our goals is paramount in how we live our lives.

Good work!

emma · Senior Member

I think Christy, Luna and Tiger are right on target.

Thank heavens we can reprogram ourselves. Isn't that a result of working an honest program? removing the "buttons" installed in us by others and reinstalling or reprogramming ourselves to be in charge of ourselves from within, not from outside sources of approval or disapproval or other various forms of manipulation, but from self-honesty and self-love and self-care, i.e., from within us. Responsibility for our own self.

Thanks for the post, Kissers.

emma

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

Manipulation can be done by both parties,,,the alanoner and the alcoholic. I for one was very guilty of trying to manipulate things, as was my A. I would slam the dishes around to "maybe" encourage him to help around the house :ie: clean etc. Hoping he would read my mind,,and start helping......not. I would purposely try to make "him" feel guilty. He would also manipulate me into thinking that "we" were going to do something together,,and he never would show. I would try to maniuplate the situation so he wouldn't drink. That failed miserabley each and every time. There are many ways we try to manipulate and one thing I learned in alanon was ,,,"what is real meaning behind what I was doing?" Was it to make me feel better? Was it to make my A feel better? And in the end I realized it was a power struggle/control over someone else's life! I have learned I cannot control anyone else but myself.

roygbiv · Senior Member

I get a swarmy feeling in my stomach when someone is manipulating me. Even if I don't feel it right away, if I take the time to check in with my feelings because I know that something isn't right, my tummy tells me I'm being used. I hate that feeling. I hope I don't do it to others. I don't think I do. I used to when I was growing up, because I always was told "no." So, I took long drawn out roundabout ways of getting what I wanted and it could literally take years. I don't need a lot so I learned never to take a direct route to something, and I missed out on a lot of things because of that.

When someone has a motive that doesn't involve your well being, they only want what they want and your needs aren't considered, and you have something they want and think they deserve, they probably are manipulating you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.