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sooooo two weeks from now,Aboyfriend gets out of rehab...unable to go back to his former living situation(tho he primarily lived with me and my two daughters) because they are drinkers. unwilling to move to his mother's(thank god). does not want to go to 1/2 way house, tho he hasn't explored that possibility much.
i have said that i need boundaries and that trust needs to be rebuilt and i need to know that he is going to be with me after proving he can maintain sobriety for himself. i always felt he lived vicariously off my health. tho in his month in rehab so far, the changes of his heart/mind/actions have seemed truely miraculous and humble and authentic. i have great hope for him and us. i also feel stronger and more able to take care of me.
upon immediate release, do i have him stay with us while he arranges living/working places? he has nowhere healthy to go....manipulative mom, drunken friends.
can i be clear by saying you can stay 2 weeks to get things in place, then we need to re-enter this relationship with with a bit of distance, separate homes, so we can recover ourselves/our relationship in the healthiest of ways? is this a mixed message? too enabling? do i tough love it and say...you get your life in order then come see me? i have been a huge support in his recovery and he in mine ...the last option seems harshly out of sync with where we have been so far.
we will have this conversation on sat when i visit him at rehab and i know i need to be clear as i can be. i am full of that old foggyness/self doubt. would love any feedback.
I am by no means in the position to be giving advice on this issue. But I did want to empathize with you about having to make tough decisions ... I am always wondering "is this ok? is that ok?" I wish you and you Aboyfriend and your family all the best with whatever decision you make!!
so what is wrong with a halfway house? I read back on your posts, you said he needs to figure out his living situation on his own, you did not like how his mother has it all planned.
He is very, very young in his sobriety. He has not even begun his program of recovery. If he had a broken leg would you expect him to leave the hospital and walk?
He is still very sick. It takes a good year before they can keep a plant alive. There is so much more to learn. Has a bunch of behaviors to face that he may choose to change. The recommended 90 meetings in 90 days is super important. They work on the 12 steps, face the horrible symptoms of the disease and what it made them do. They learn to look at things in a more "normal" way.
Most A's do not know what normal is. there is a saying,"fake it till you make it." It is like they know the behavior they are suppose to have, but it does not come natural for them. they have to learn it.
They may manipulate to get what they want, when all they had to do was ask.
Many suffer from depression and or bi polar disease. He needs to find a good doctor who knows about alcholism and won't allow any bs from him. You cannot baby him.
A halfway house is excellent. the people running it are usually people in recovery with a strong program.
You cannot support him. He has to take everything on himself. everything. That is how he will learn and fall and learn how to get up again. If he gets taken in, it is bad for him not good.
The book,"Getting Them Sober" explains it all so well. The best help we can give them, is to leave them alone to find their own way. If you take him in, you are babysitting,enabling.
But it is your choice. I did it more than once. I did not know not to. All it did was help his disease be comfy, he got well enough to go do it again.
He needs to be miserable, he needs to not be in a home, he has to find his own way. He has to fight those challenges himself with his hp. That is the ONLY way he will know HE can do it, he wants to do it and will value that he did do it.
We do them NO service by babying them or making things easy.
I wish my A was homeless. I could not wait for his mom to move to a nursing home or a nice elderly home so she could not enable him. What does he do? HE moves in with this old slut who now enables him. Makes me sick.
Hey Fi he had me fooled. Was sober for over 100 days. Sweet as pie, all loving and nice love letters, nice phone calls. going to call me when he gets out and come out here to visit. Planned to go to a shelter and go to meetings.
Yea right. I found him at the sluts apt. nice. He says,"what are YOU doing here?" It tore my heart out.
If you make things easy for him he will suck you dry. Well the disease will.
Now this is MY experience. I always say, let him take care of him, let him get himself on his feet, get a job, build a life. then if he has something to offer YOU, go slow. But remember as bad as he ever was, chances are he will be again. do you want to live with that?
I can tell you LOVE has nothing to do with it. Nothing. Love does not cure cancer and it won't cure alcholism.
So......glad you are here. I know this may sound cold, but actually it is so loving. I want to see him find his own power thru AA and his hp and take care of him.
forgot to say, 3 weeks of rehab is NOTHING. I cannot even conquer college algebra in 3 weeks and it is not a disease!!
He does not want a halfway house? What is that telling you? If he was serious about sobriety....would you not think he would want to cont. on working his program, in an environment meant for his disease?
Yeah, I'm with some of our fellows here. If your boy wants sobriety, he's gotta earn it. No comfort zone. On his own. Make it work time. Make it happen.
Tell him pack his stuff. To the half way house he goes.
a couple things - i think Debilyn's post is excellent, with lots of good things to keep in mind (halfway house... they are made for a reason), you cannot decide where he is going to live -- he is a grown man, and hopefully his choice of not putting himself in a bad situation (mother, drunk friends, etc), but you are RIGHT ON in the boundary department. If you want to offer your home to him, for any amount of time, that is your decision and it is very generous of you --- it will be easier for you and him (if you choose to go that route) if you set a firm deadline, like you are planning. 2 weeks is generous, 2 days is generous, 2 minutes is generous ;) i applaud you wanting to be clear and precise, then STICK TO IT, whatever you decide.
i think you are a marvelous person, fifi keep coming back
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
My A boyfriend got out of rehab a little over a month ago. He did great in rehab, was positive about his life for the first time, working his program, really doing great. He wanted me to move in with him right away, didn't really want to go to a 1/2 way house. I didn't really know if it was the right move, and we couldn't afford it anyways, so I told him there were some things that needed to happen before we moved back in together and he moved into a 3/4 way house. I said I wanted to pay off some of the bills we have racked up over time and I needed to see that he had a sponsor and was working the program before we moved back in together. He stayed in the house for a month. He didn't like it there, and he still seemed to be doing well and getting better, and I did the worst possible thing and backed down from the boundaries I had set. We rented a house and moved into it before we paid off any of the bills, and he was going to meetings, but didn't have a sponsor. The next day I noticed he was off, acting the way he used to when he was drinking. Shortly after, I realized he had been drinking almost from the moment he moved out of the 3/4 way house and still hasn't stopped. Now I find myself dealing with all the old issues again as well as anger at myself for not keeping my boundaries. I don't know what the best thing is for you to do, but know that we all support you and are here for you.
I can only say that I am married to my A, and after 30 days in a spiritual retreat center for A's and addicts, he came back home, of course. I had no idea what a halfway house was.
If I wasn't married to him, I would naturally (at least I think I would) not want him living with me before he was able to be his own sober person, learning how to live life sober.
I think everyone who responded to your post have very valid points. I know you will make the right decision for YOU.
By the way, my husband is still sober...going on 21 months...and really working his program.
I am going to ask the question my sponsor always asks me...
If this were anyone else, a friend, a relative, a person you met on the street, a co-worker, and you knew the history, the issues... would you open up your home to this person...
Only you know the answer. But as for me, I am finding that the more times I ask myself that question, the more times I get the answer NO. So why then do I accept, do for etc...
Brings it right back to me, my boundaries, my character defects..ME
