The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not having a good day.Maybe this is alanon related,maybe not.I just need to reach out.I need to know that I really do exist somewhere for someone.My AH,soon to be ex, would say I am feeling sorry for myself.Maybe I am.But I say I am facing a reality about my life that I have been trying to avoid for years.I come here because it is easier to open up to cyber people who don't really know me.
For so many years of my life I have been inside a shell.A very few people think they know me.Maybe they do but how can they when I haven't even known myself?I went thru life accepting certain things as facts.Turns out those facts were not facts at all.It was a lie,a fantasy that I wanted to believe.I wanted it to be true because it validated me.It made me exist. Matter.If it wasn't true that my husband really loved and valued me then I didn't matter because no one else seemed to.So I clung to that reality because it was better than the actual reality which was that my marriage was over,my husband didn't love me anymore, or I him.We should have ended a long time ago but our sicknesses kept us together.
As a child I didn't think I mattered to anyone.I used to fear being forgottten at school or somewhere.The rest of the family would go on and not even notice that I was gone.That is how I felt.I am feeling that way again today.
I have posted many times on this board,given many replies,tried to help in any way I could.Yet if I stay away from here no one ever puts a post asking where I am or sends me a pm just to see how I am.Some people here have made friends.Not me.This could very well be of my own doing since I have tried to remain annonymous.I do not even use my real name.I did reach out to one person on here who lives close by me and I told her the town I live in.I thought maybe we could meet at a meeting or something.I was very uncomfortable with it because I do not usually do that.She was not interested.I told myself it was probably for the best and I let it go.
I recently changed jobs.I worked at the last place for 10 years.Many people there seemed to like me.I was a good listener to others and tried to help people who were struggling or unhappy.I left the job suddenly,I called in and quit.I went home one day after work and the next day I quit.I was gone.Yet no one,not one person called to see what happened or if I was ok.
As far as my appearance goes I am 5'6" tall and I weigh about 225.People say I don't look like I weigh that much and I think that is because I have a large frame...I really do, I am big boned.The upper part of my body is bigger than the lower, my legs are fairly slim, I don't have big hips or a big behind.I look pretty slender at 170 pounds.I have dark hair and dark brown eyes.I have been told I am 'personable'.I am friendly,laugh easily,have a great sense of humor,am intelligent.I bathe regularly,use deodorant,and mouthwash,brush my teeth, wash my clothes and change them daily.
As far as my family goes, as long as I am their puppet they accept me.Tolerate me is what it feels like.Just as long as I am doing what I am supposed to do in the role I have been given.Listen to them vent,take on their responsibilities,help them.I recently decided to take care of myself,thanks to alanon, and now I have been shut out.My sister told me I am no longer part of the family.My mother is mad at me because I tried to take care of myself on a day that SHE needed me.I made sure she was ok but I didn't feel well and decided to stay home.One of the A's (my other sister) had to jump in and actually DO something and now I am being blamed for being cold and mean.
Sometimes at work I will try to join in a conversation with others and it's like they don't even hear me.I have even walked up to an automatic door and it didn't open.Then someone else walked up and it did.Even the sensors didn't pick me up, lol.
I find myself attracted to 2 men at the place where I work now.One is a VERY strong attraction.He seems to like me as well but I am afraid I may have put more into it than is really there.That is because I am so DESPARATE to matter to someone.If I go a whole day without seeing him or if he doesn't speak to me I am hurt and crushed.I have had myself convinced that he is also attracted to me.It made me feel good to think that.But the truth is he most likely isn't.He is a nice looking guy,he could do better than me.He's just NICE to me and I am just so hungry for that I guess it feels like love.I want it to be love.
It's strange to see the way my AH is about his online girlfriend.He prints out things that she has posted ( they are on an AA site) and emails she has sent him.He still has the Christmas card she sent him last year.I always saved the cards I gave him but he never even cared.It was me who saved them,he couldn't have cared less.I am sure that even tho he knows about this message board he has never read any of my posts.Yet he reads all of hers.You knw the song...when a man loves a woman.....it's true.When they love you,want you,they show it in their actions.Instead of me smiling at and flirting with that guy at work and trying to read something into everything he says,I should just look at the action.If he was interested,he would probably make it known.He would find a way to see me or talk to me.I wouldn't have to watch and manipulate for every crumb of attention I get from hiim.
Maybe the answer is I don't really exist.I don't matter to people because I don't have a self.I am whatever you need me to be.Maybe people sense my desparation to please so I can be accepted and they don't like it.Unless THEY need something.Then,let's see...who would care....yep Drucilla....she's always there for me and I don't even have to give anything back.She never needs anything just wants to be there for me.
How do I change this? My first instinct is to pull back.Withdraw form everyone and see if anyone even notices.Avoid that guy at work and see if he looks for me.Stop trying to get into conversations other people are having,just stay off to myself and see if anyone asks me how I am.I mentioned in another post,a response to someone,that I had asked several people at work what they were doing for Thanksgiving.All of them were only too willing to tell me.But NONE of them asked what I was doing.I have asked people "how was your Christmas?"....they tell me,but no one says "How was yours?".
One way people can feel they matter is by having children.Someone who depends on you and loves you.I didn't have any.Wasn't by choice...just didn't happen.I didn't seek it either,I could have adopted.I was too addicted to my AH.I did keep my nephew for years off and on.It's not the same as having your own tho.
People say your life is what you make it so I guess the reason I don't matter to anyone is of my own doing somehow.(I do want to add that I have one very good friend that I love dearly.I do matter to her.She is the only person sometimes who really seems to care how I feel and what I am doing.)
Here is what I am going to do today.I am going to retreat.I am not going to start any conversations at work, not look for that guy,not sit by anyone at lunch.I am going to completely withdraw and just see if anyone looks for me,talks to me,SEES me.The healthy thing to do would be to reach out..to start conversations...to sit by people...walk up to people.I have tried that and been hurt,rejected.I am tired of that.If I don't matter to them then they won't matter to me.
Maybe this comes form living an entire life with people who CANNOT give.People who only take.Alcoholics.My dad,all my sisters and brothers,my husband.All emotionally unavailable.Then there's me.Living on crumbs of attention and affection.So empty.Trying to get back by giving but apparently giving to people who cannot give anything back.How does one get all new people?
Love you all "in that special way".....it'd be great if someone would respond...but if not,at least I got this out.Maybe it will help someone else,that is what I do,that seems to be why I exist at all.
Oh, it makes me so sad to read this. Drucilla, I don't know the right things to say to make you feel better. I can only tell you that you do matter, that you do have a self. I can only speak for myself, but I can say you will not be forgotten by me, and you have made a big impact on me just with this one post.
drucilla, words almost elude me on this one. My first instinct is to yell at you to get on that phone, call someone and reach out because until you do you will only sink further into that deep hole you seem to be finding so warm, comfortable and cozy.
Before we can matter to anyone we have to matter to ourselves. My suggestion to you is to start working on you, if you don't have anyone in program to talk to then get an appointment with a good therapist and go out and find you again because you are a precious child of God and you are important.
If you cannot find a place of comfort in your family that is ok. Sometimes we have to look for another family and the one I suggest is the family of Al-Anon. I know that if I was in trouble and needed my family that my Al-Anon family would be the first ones here to help me through whatever it is that I am having to go through. I can't say that about my biological family but that is ok. They are who they are and as long as I do not judge them I can accept them for who and what they are. Once I had accepted them and stopped judging them I became happier with them.
You say you are invisible and don't exist. As long as you believe that you are projecting that same attitude to others that you meet or converse with on a daily basis. You have to start liking YOU again before you are ever going to make any progress.
If I were your sponsor I would be telling you to put the party hats and balloons in the trash, get off the pity party you are on and start living life again. Then I would come get you and take you to the park for a long walk, or out to dinner, or somewhere besides where you are at. I would also tell you to start working the steps again and start with pre step 1 which is where you walk through the door of a f2f meeting again and start over.
Now go out and do the next right thing.
You are loved even if you don't want to be. (((HUGS)))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think in my present situation, I can probably relate to you more on the work side so that's what I'll share.
I have always been an attention seeker. I've never been a contented wallflower... but I do have an isolating streak that shows up in strange ways.
In my work, for 20+ years it was all about me. I worked for small companies and managed to place myself in a position of extreme importance. Or rather, being always needed. I was kind of like Scotty on Star Trek - I was the one that everybody and anybody called to fix things, I was the hero when I saved the day one more time. I was also the goat when I failed, but it was a fair trade-off.
Where I work today, only two people appreciate my work - my boss and the owner. I have an average of 10 minutes contact with the boss every day, and see the owner maybe once every two months. It's a very small company. But, I have no friends here at all. The other people who work here are good people - that's probably why I have nothing in common with them LOL. Sometimes they party, but no alcoholics. I can occasionally start a conversation with the women - about kids, grandkids, etc. but it's usually pretty short. The guys, I have even less in common with it seems... I am older than everybody else here. Not by a huge amount, but the average age is closer to that of my stepdaughter.
I'm not into sports or gambling - that seems to be the main topic for small talk at the office. The one guy who isn't so much into drinking and gambling is a squeaky clean religeous type. He seems like a really good guy, but we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I've tried to start a conversation with him a couple times, and it was very strange... he acted like what I said was trivial or stupid, and that he was above such minutia. Whatever... LOL.
It's really strange to show up for work every day and not have 5 people lined up needing something, or some emergency to deal with. I remember in the old days the receptionist would run after me with a stack of those pink phone message slips... my phone rang off the hook.
I understand what you feel like when you say nobody would notice if you weren't there. I've been on vacation and on the third day I'll get an email asking me if I can come to a meeting this afternoon. I'll say I'd love to, but I'm about 2000 miles away. "Oh, you are on vacation?" "Yeah, since last Friday".
In a couple days, I'm going on a short vacation to engage in one of my hobbies. With about 250 friends. It will be like old times - literally, at times 5 people trying to talk to me at once. I'm doing a presentation... and I know by about midway through the second day, I will be overwhelmed. I'll slip away, go up to my hotel room, take a shower and let the water run a long time, check some email, lounge around in my bathrobe and look out the window at the Florida sun, and after about 90 minutes or so, I'll get dressed and go back down to join the fray.
I spend the vast majority of my time in solitude, but even when I get that refreshing break from the solitude and jump into it with both feet, I have to take a break at regular intervals. That's part of my recovering asshole work. I have to take myself out of a situation when I'm faltering. That may be cowardly, but it's better than the alternative, and most people never notice I'm gone once I slip out.
Online boards like this are sort of a solitary way of connecting to people. But when people are just names on a screen, it's harder to keep track of who's who. Or who hasn't posted for a while. And personally, I don't chase after people. It's probably overcompensation for too many years as a puppydog. Even in the world of on-line matchmaking - which I dabble in - when a person doesn't respond, or stops responding to my emails, I don't bug them. I assume they don't want to correspond with me, and leave it at that.
I tend to think that if I didn't post here for a while - say a month - nobody would be emailing me to find out where I was. But if I did post again, somebody might say "Hey, where have you been?" I think that's true of a lot of people. Most of us are self absorbed in one way or another... first we deal with ourselves, then we deal with the people who are around, and if there's any time left - then we might think about who's not around.
You know what's funny is I was just thinking of you today. I was reading over some of my old posts and saw a reference I had made to something you had said and was wondering what ever happened to her. I wish I would have asked on the board. But then I thought I haven't been on in a while because I have been caught up with my life and the holidays and haven't had the time so maybe your life was so great that you didn't have time to stop in and post. Well, just know that I was thinking about you and wondering what ever happened with your husband and his online girlfriend. I wondered what you were doing now and if you moved out and if you sold that house. You pm me and I'll send you my email address and we can chat whenever you want. You're one up on me I don't even have one good friend here. I got a sponsor, some coworkers who I never see outside of work, and a few aquaintances around town. The only people who would miss me are my 3 kids. My mom is on the other side of the country and it would take weeks for her to know I was missing. As usual, I'm right there with you. PM me.
I was so touched and moved by your heart-felt, honest, heart-wrenching post.
I, too, have struggled with feeling invisible, with feeling not really known, with feeling not missed.
A few nights ago, I had a terrible nightmare/panic attack and awoke in the middle of the night frightened, alone, and terribly shook up.
It was 5 a.m., so I choose not to give anyone a call then, but it was sure comforting to realize, that if I needed to, I could call one of the members of the Alanon group that I belong to. I've been going to Al-Anon for roughly 16 months, and the members there are so dear to me, and I to them. Although I have friends, too, it's the Al-Anon members who are most up-to-date on what's going on in my emotional life, and who would understand immediately why I had this nightmare/panic attack.
I have lost several important people in my life over the last year-and-a-half including my partner of 7 years through a break-up, several friends who have moved away or chosen to distance themselves from me, and a family member who has decided to not be in contact with me anymore.
It's a terrible struggle to not take these losses personally--as if they mean something about ME. I am trying to hold onto the fact that my spiritual qualities are MINE, a gift from God that cannot be taken or erased by anyone else. I am trying to hold onto my own worth, and at times it's terribly difficult. I find that what helps me is to REALLY take care of myself. This morning, I put on a pot of tea, good listened to good music, and opened all the shades to let in the wonderful sunshine, and enjoyed my breakfast. I find that I have to do TACTILE, SENSORY, SENSUAL things for myself or I quickly get lost in all of my thoughts and feelings about why I have been left, and why so-and-so doesn't like or love me anymore.
Dearest Drucilla, the healing of this program is available for you, too. I have found my face-to-face meeting has been an incredibe and necessary anchor during a very rocky-and-stormy time in my life. I have felt love from the members when I have felt incredibly unloveable, and it has helped me gain my footing again.
I have found that, for me, trying to just read alanon literature or only rely on this board (as much as lOVE THIS board and Am very grateful for it), is like trying to learn Karate from a book--very difficult. My Face-to-face meeting, my sponsor, working the steps, my therapist and my therapy group, and this board have all worked together to help me get through this difficult time, and set me on the firm path toward healing and growth.
another giant (((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))) too.
I really hate that you percieve yourself as invisible. One can only feel that way from inside. If you feel it, I'm sure others are feeling it too. It's kind of like when you are crabby or depressed and no one wants to bother you.
My best suggestion is to envision who you want to be and how you want people to react to you and then BE that person. Check your PM, I'm going to send you a link that I hope will help.
P.S.I have to admit, there are so many people here it would take me a while to realize that anyone is gone.
Love, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you for sharing Dru. I've missed your posts and replies. I think of people on here that have made a difference in my life often when I do not see them for awhile. I have no reason for not sending a message or something to check up on them. i can think of alot of excuses but no actual reasons. It's something I should work on in my own life, I tend to crawl into my hole and come out when ready and think other people will too.
I can definitely understnd the work situation. mine has gotten somewhat better, i work with women who are roughly 15 or so years older than me and until recently it seemed everything i said was dismissed ... I did not have the age, experience etc. Maybe I didn't but it was not nice to feel dismissed. I'm sorry you are in that situation, and hope you find peace with it.
Family ... I was always the kid and adult that needed nothing and gave everything I could. When I started needing time to myself and to take care of myself it almost offended some of them sometimes. I remember the day my Dad walked in and expected to see my happy smile and I buried my head in his chest sobbing. I think that day he finally got it, he did not really know me anymore, he knew who I pretended to be for them. Things have been different since then, and it takes me reaching out and him knowing to not let me gloss over the hard parts of my life.
As for the door sensors LOL I am not sure on that one. I seemt o set them off when I do not want to ... doors baging open and closed, anti theft things beeping away. It can be embarassing
I hope you can spend some more time here, I know you exist and I care.
I've found myself alone and isolated for since beginning the sick relationship with my wife. I know that I need to change me. I thought (like barisax) that becoming vital to my bosses and my office would maybe meet my needs for attention, but I just become codependent in yet another arena. Over the last month or so, I've learned a lot about me (again) and reached out to my new Alanon family. I couldn't believe what I found out... I don't have to be lonely. I can like myself and my values. I can have healthy friendships (of course, most of them are in recovery, but heck, at least they are on a path of somekind??!!)
I guess I just wanted you to know that the changes that are occuring in me are because I'm trying, with effort, to change. If we can't rely on ourselves to be our own friend, what business do we have of asking others? Be nice. to yourself. We came, We came to, We came to be.
I keep using the steps, and even so, I find myself back at step 1, so often that I sometimes cringe. I am not perfect, but I do want progress. Time heals, unfortunately we live in a world of instant gratification, but we need time. Time to get to know myself. And whoever else??? to heck with'em... it's NONE of my business what somebody else thinks of me.
truly, yours in recovery cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Glad you are here. Glad you shared that took huge courage. Very sorry to hear your AH thinks it fine to have gf's on the side. Sorry you feel invisable. If I were to tell you about my social skills, they would be ditto of Barisax, kid you not. So I am taking responsiblity for putting myself out there and equally pulling back from people. I don't think it's uncommon that many of us from an A background or living in active A situations are social dwarfs. That's why I love the program, it's helping me by forcing me to speak up and say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it in a mean way.
Blown away that Barisax is secretly living my life.
Love you, glad you keep coming. Personally, I couldn't email anyone who came up MIA cause I simply don't know other's email names.
Hi Drucilla, When I went down the list of who put in a new message today and saw your name, I eagerly clicked on your message. I have received such insight from you in the past, as well as today. I thank you for writing what is on your mind.
When someone goes away, I think they are in contemplation, are busy, they are trying something else, or I just haven’t paid attention. I don’t take me not noticing them and not posting a message asking where they are as a sign of their invisibility.
I am going to say something that sounds uncaring, but it is because I don’t want you to feel worse that I’m asking you not to look for evidence that your life is bad. We can all find that, but it doesn’t mean _______ (fill in the blank with what you were feeling bad about yourself).
One night years ago when I was feeling low, it was time to go out and walk my dog. While I was in the park with him, 3 junior high school age boys rode by on their bikes and said “woof woof”. They were high spirited boys out blowing off steam before their mothers called them in. I immediately took it as a criticism of my appearance. Keep in mind I had a DOG on the end of the leash that was in my hand. Enough said!
I had a huge post and my dog bumped me and it disappeared!!! geez
What I felt from your post is lack of self love. When we stop the negative talk in our pretty heads, and put in positive, it makes all the difference.
When we full fill ourselves, take care of us, we are not dependant on others to fill so many needs.
Do you notice you? You know for me, I thank the creator for the me he gave me. I like that I love so hard and look for good in everyone. I don't wear the latest fashions or keep up with what is in. I am me, I like me in overalls, lacey shirts and rubber boots and earrings...But you know, I get noticed becuz I am blessed with laughter, and I like to smile. It feels strange not to smile, for me.
I believe when we love the self we are, and care for it, nurture it and share it, we are more whole.Then we don't need anyone to complete us, but we want someone to share us with.
I know I like people who value themselves. Not arrogance, but trust themselves, know what they want, enjoy life, go fishing cuz they love to fish, ride a horse becuz they love to ride. they don't need anyone to complete them, they want someone to share with.
So pretty lady, I invite you to look in the mirror, smile at her, what do you like to do? Do it, feed your inner you, put life around you, flowers, plants, smile, don't forget to feed that spiritual you.
I don't know what your living situation is? But from what you shared, that would make anyone feel like they were not loveable.
Please please keep coming back. Don't be afraid to say, "HERE I AM" stand up for you, ask for what you need, give to you. much love,debilyn
I can totally relate drucilla. I was just so uncomfortable around people because I knew for sure they wouldn't like me. This awkwardness resulted in many stilted conversations. In a way, it became a self fulfilling prophecy, but it might have been more of they were just uncomfortable around me rather than experiencing feelings of dislike. Sometimes I'd try too hard and maybe it came across as insincere. Other times maybe not try hard enough and it came across as aloof. Either way, it was protecting me from getting hurt since I wasn't investing much to begin with.
I, too, was always the kind of person who would get super attached to men right from the get go. I could in one moment decide I liked a guy and before I knew it I would be obsessing on them and thinking I had feelings, but that was never healthy or real. That was my needy nature since feelings grow from knowing someone not just wanting to be with someone, anyone. I wouldn't even know the person, but I'd think about them far too often and look forward to seeing them. That's how I ended up in the relationship with my AH. I didn't wait to love him for who he was. I loved him from the get go without ever really knowing him because I needed to be needed.
I'm so much healthier now in this department. I'm single and plan on staying this way for as long as I need to. All I need is myself to be complete and if somewhere down the line I meet a man, I will enter the relationship calmly without letting my mind go off the deep end. I have made some wonderful friends from Al-Anon and I'm even finding friends amongst the parents of my children's school friends. These people are just like the very same people a few years ago I was convinced wouldn't like me because I'm just not like them. The difference is now I'm relaxed about who I am and not afraid to be disliked. It's amazing really. Once you let go of that fear it turns out lots of people like you anyway.
As has already been said, please work on liking yourself as much as you can as difficult as it may be. Perhaps write down all the things you like about yourself and read them daily. Someone did that for me once when I was having a "I'm a shitty person" day which was really just one of a series of those days I'd had for years. I received an email which said something to the effect of,
I am a loyal friend
I am a good listener
I am a great parent
I am caring
I have a great sense of humor
I have a great smile
Read this list and add to it.
Let me tell you, when I received that email it gave me a boost, but there was a huge part of me that didn't really believe any of it. Over time, with the help of al-anon I did start to believe the things on the list and I was eventually able to add to it.
I also worked really hard at turning off the words that used to filter through my brain. Before that day my list consisted of things like, I'm a bitch, I'm a moody cow, I'm bad tempered, I'm selfish, I'm angry, I'm not likeable, etc.
Blown away that Barisax is secretly living my life.
You don't know where I can get some decent saxophone reeds do you?
I went to an f2f meeting tonite. Made me feel normal - I like the holidays but back to normal is a load off too, even if I am preparing for a vacation trip.
Huggs Peggy & Dru & Luna & Carolina & rTex & everyone else I can relate to that I forgot to mention...
I started out with Hemkes. Hemke 2.5 or 3 played fine, for about 20 minutes then it was like a limp piece of pasta. Same thing happened with Ricos - regular and jazz. The only thing I can play on the big horn is a Vandoren 3 - apparently my mouth is the strongest muscle in my body (most of my family members would agree). It's also genetic. My long-deceased A father played a Vandoren *5* on his clarinet. He rushed them down a little... but not by much.
I keep hoping to find a better combo - my Dukoff 8 + Vandoren 3 is always teetering on the edge of failure, but I have tried a bunch of others and keep coming back to it.
Hard to believe I've now been playing for 9 years.
yea, it was hard to admit your's is bigger... but just wanted to pass along, the van doren 3s thru 5s are fine, double cut, but need some wittling. i found with all my reeds, a little equalization with very fine sandpaper does wonders. a 4 or 5 is a big piece of lumber, but it will do the trick nicely if it is tenderized, a bit. i'd do that for chamber or wind symphony music.
i've got close to 22 years with my axophone -- went to school for it -- unfortunately, i've been more like cj st. helens - more or less laying dorment for the last 8 years (since joining the service)
that is on my 2007 goals - to take back that time and build my callous (lip callous) back up.
(((Dru))) have you ever played? band? choir? sang your lungs out with the windows rolled up cruising down the highway?? i still make a little time to keep my piano skills sharp, and it also serves the great need of making me serene.
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
(((((( Drucilla )))))) Wish I knew what to say to comfort you, there's not much more I can add to the e, s,and h already given here. ((((( extra hugs and support ))))) T
Au contrar (sp) my dear. I noticed that you were gone. You and I are in similar situations with our long term marriages. I have learned from your posts and so appreciated your responses to my posts. I thought of posting and asking where you were but I only know you in cyberspace and some people just want their privacy.
Keep coming back! Alanon works (at making you not invisible). You are worth it!
i am soooooo glad i clickd into your post.[don't know whyi did , higher power led i guess]
anyway first of all, i would like to send you a hug. can you feel it?
i don't know if it helps when someone says " i know how you feel".
so i won't say it,
but,
i know how i feel.
reading your post brought back many memories for me.
i am your opposite in size. small. my parents had five children and my dad used to call me the runt of the litter. i am the oldest and the smallest. on a good day he called me "mouse". I HATE MICE !!!! to the point of my therapist telling me i am phobic about them.
any way.
i can remember being so blah and blending in to the walls. the only time anyone noticed me was when they wanted something. being the oldest of five kids wanting something happened quite often. it made me feel so good to make everybody else feel good. pretty soon i was babysitting neighborhood kids for next to nothing. i became my family's care giver, even taking care of my dysfunctional parents emotional needs. i became involved in a dangerously abusive relationship, from there into a sick marriage, and then to being an ever loving, always giving, perfect mother.
well,
you should have seen me when my girls grew up and moved out on their own.
I HIT MY BOTTEM !
who am i? what am i? where am? now that i have know one to care for.......does anybody see me? it been several years since my girls have moved on. i am progressing slowly. when i am not caregiving, I AM LOST, invisible, it is the only role i ever knew. i am still looking for jewely. only now........."I AM LOOKING IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES" .
I PM you, but I still wanted to post. I relate to this on many levels. Not just from Drucilla...but many others. My solution has come through working the steps of Al-anon. Either I didn't notice that others didn't notice or maybe they did. I know that this is one thing that does not consume me the way it used to.
Time and time again, people want to talk to me. Me of all people. I get a lot of calls from Al-anon and AA people. I am floored everytime. I am grateful. I do matter. I matter to someone elses's recovery including my own. This program has given me a life I am comfortable with for the first time ever.
For me, I have to work the steps just as the steps tell me to...."in all my affairs". I hear AA say, "the steps are to teach us how to live", in Al-anon, I hear "the steps teach us how to survive". It is both for me.
Love you all....and it doesn't just stop at this program. There is something in everyone that I love.
First of all hugs to you darlin, been there done that....and it is not good for you...
Until you let people see the wonderful person you are they will not....I escaped inside myself for so long I forgot who I was....
Once you let it go and just accept the reality of your life you can begin to live again...and once you do that the whole world is there for you.....
My friend told me the other day that I was glowing, this comes from within ourselves dear friend.....
Start living your life today for you.....I even have a date this weekend ....woohoo...just think what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it......
Just remember, you have the power to make your life whatever you want it to be.
Just wanted to let you know that you matter to me. Even though you are thousands of miles away ( I am in Australia) I am thinking of you. I often retreat into my own shutdown mode it is how I heal myself. I am a real loner and need that time to energise. We all have our own protective barrier that we put up to shut out our emotions from being hurt. I want you to try and accept who you are and be comfortable with it. Stop trying to be someone else - we like you just the way you are. See if you can say to yourself well I am .... years of age this is me and if other people don't like who I am then that is their problem. Love will find you again when you least expect it. Surrender to the universe put your life in a higher power's hands and good things will come to you. (((())) Luv Leo xxx
I have felt the way you are feeling many times!!! I had decided in the past two weeks I was going to do something about it! I am so tired of that feeling. I know deep down in my heart I am worth more than anyone can imagine, but my "stinking thinking" creeps in and takes over. ( I personally believe in an evil little/big spirit who wants to make us miserable--I don't want him to win anymore!!!)
I have felt like I miss out on the friendships here too, I don't get pms very often and I don't feel like I have a great connection with anyone in particular either, but I am also unable to go to online meetings and chats so I think I really miss out on making connections that way. Then there is the matter of my own brain who can't keep anyone and all the posts separate. That is a skill I definitely need to work on!! That way I can be a better support and friend to others! (I blame it on Attention Deficit--just cause I want to).
Feel ignored by people?--my husband came in last night asked me how my day was, I was in the middle of telling him and he started talking about something else--oblivious to the fact that he had cut me off and apparently hadn't been listening to a thing I said. (I just smiled and shook my head--this tends to be a regular occurance and if what I am telling him is very important I have to really speak up and hold my ground--my thoughts aren't just as important to him.)
Sweetie keep coming back, though we really do care! I hope your day gets brighter. You ought to do something really nice for yourself.
(OH the look thing--I would kill [not really, but just maybe] for skinny legs--I am a short 5'4" and the hips--or actually just below them is the widest part of me--I look like a bell--I always if I was 5'8" I would be the perfect height for my wekght!!!)
Barisax and CJ--I am a Choir girl myself. I know people stare at me and think I'm ridiculous when I drive down the road. I am 34--my hair is graying I normally have 3 children with me and I am singing my heart out with the music blaring just about everywhere I go!!!
I believe I feel a little bit of the Mary Tyler Moore show right now---DRU BABY--"WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT!!!!!"
