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I know that I have spent way too much time on this over the weekend and took the focus off of myself but I just don't know what to do. I got off early on Friday before my husband. Well, I was on the phone about my internet with comcast so my husband called me on my cell phone and ask where I was at. I told him to let me call him back because I was on the phone. He told me that he didn't want me to call him back because he was going to be in the roof of a business and may not hear the phone.(Making an excuse). I said ok and hung up. Well a couple of hours later I did call his cell phone and he didn't answer. He came home about an hour later. When he got there I noticed that he seemed very irritated. When I ask him what was wrong he snapped my head off. My husband is not only an active alcoholic but he is also a crack addict. He has become very defensive in the past if confronted about smoking crack and claims that he use to be a crack addict but he no longer does this. Well later, while sweeping our den I found parts of a copper scrubbing pad on the floor that he must have dropped off of his clothes. I did not confront him on this because I knew that if he was under the influence it could turn nasty. I left my husband over a year ago because of this very thing. He became violent after smoking crack. I have only been back with him a couple of weeks now. I have spent all weekend thinking that I had come back too soon and I know that if nothing changes nothing changes. I don't know how to approach him about this or even if I should. I have tried to weigh out my options but I just don't know what to do. There is a part of me that wants to let him know that I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am but then I wonder what good is it going to do anyway. Has anyone else experienced this?
I spent ages letting him know that I knew what was going on. Somehow I felt justified in this. I didn't want to be fooled, and I wanted him to know it.
It didn't change a thing though. He still did exactly what he was going to do.....it didn't matter what I said.
Obsessing was just upsetting me more.
I was usually right in my suspicions, as I'm sure you are. Even if you confront him with this, is it going to change it?
Please don't put yourself in a dangerous situation FairyTales.
(((((((((((((Fairytales))))))))))))) Sorry you are going through this.... Do what is right for you and pleases keep yourself safe....... Know that you are not alone and that in your heart you will know what is right to do for yourself!!!!
I agree with the others. First of all your safety is number one. Taking care of you right now is what is important. Remembering the 3C's has always helped me in these kind of situations...i didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
I know for me if I suspected my Ah (now sober) was drinking...then he was. I know the signs...I know that gut feeling. I would feel angry that he thought he could fool me. I'm not that naive. Annmarie is right...if you do confront him, what is it going to change. What did work for me was to wait for the right time to talk to him about what was going on and set my boundaries. If he got angry I walked away (bit my tongue). I just said I will not let you talk to me that way. I knew it was the alcohol and not my husband talking. My sponsor told me to wait for the moment to talk to him and it will present itself and it did. I was able to tell him that his sobriety was his responsibility. That I am not the vodka police. I was also able to in a calm voice tell him I would not stay and watch him die by drinking himself to death. This was very difficult for me. But, I was able to do that. Letting go of the obsession is not easy. Letting go of feeling responsible for his sobriety was not easy. Today I am glad I did those things. He made the choice to get help. I am grateful for that. You are in my prayers..know you have people who care about you. Take care of you.
I have learned in Al-Anon f2f meetings that when I do not know what to do about something that it is best to do nothing at all. The answer will come when I am ready to receive it.
I have also learned that I can talk until I am blue in the face about how his disease is affecting me and I might as well save my breath. As long as he is active he simply does not hear what I am telling him. The only thing I can do is work on me and in the final analysis that is the best thing I can do because when I work on my reactions to his actions I get a few steps closer to serenity and his actions change, usually for the better. I also feel that not reacting to his actions gives me back some of the control he has had over me.
Good luck and keep coming back.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
You've gotten some really good experience, strength and hope about "what to do" for your husband. Do you confront someone who you think has relapsed? It's probably a waste of time and energy, because you both know it. My father still baits me for the argument, and for other arguments, but the reality is, when he's sober, he knows it, and I know it. He knows what happens when he's sober, because I'm around the house, I'm more willing to go the extra mile for him, and more willing to cut him some slack on a bad day. He also knows that I'm more willing to let him into my life when he's sober, because I'm in recovery and a firm believer that recovery is an action, not only a state of living.
Having said that, it is my experience that action is the answer to fear. If I am in a fear based state, no matter what that might be, then I need to look and see what my role is, and what appropriate action needs to be taken to amend this fear based state. Am I obsessing over a person, place, situation or memory I cannot control? Then possibly an assertive, affirmative, appropriate action would be to pray, call my sponsor, then take an appropriate action (example: the dishes in the sink aren't gonna wash themselves, my mother used to say!). Am I feeling low about myself and neglected? Perhaps it's time to take myself on a date--what movies are playing? Is it time for a make over with the local hair salon? What assertive affirmative appropriate action can I take to take myself out of myself and into acceptance of the things I cannot change?
Boy have I been down that road, it's a circular drive and it seems I always end up back in the same place. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I guess Dr. Phil said it best when he said the best predictor of the future is the past. You can't expect him to quit or change, you either have to accept that crack addicts smoke crack and that's what he'll do or move on. I know that sounds pretty jaded but I have been around that circle at least 3 or 4 times with my Addict Alcoholic husband and even if you did confront him what are you gonna do then? He's either going to admit or lie so what's the point? You know what you know, you don't need confirmation listen to your insides and do what they say to do.
We are not supposed to give advice here. I am going to break that rule. If you are afraid of violence, then please leave and do whatever it is you need to do to protect yourself. There is not a single person on this earth worth being hurt over, however much we may think we love them. Take care of you.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Sadly Sweetheart, I do believe you answered your own question. You came back too soon.
To be honest the reason I am not with my A is he is violently abusive. It can come on in a second. I could live with the drinking. Not the abuse. I thought I could stop it, becuz I am not a wus,still riding horses at fifty four and building and all kinds of stuff.
Well the A was a very good wrestler and got me bad. My shoulder will never be the same.
Anyway crack and all that makes them paranoid, and volital. It actually changes their brains and it does NOT get better. As bad as it was, it will be worse. I don't believe they ever get off it, anymore than any other drug.
It is up to you, but it is criminal to allow your "self" to be put in this situation.. Take care of my friend Fairy Tales. She needs you to protect her.
Sit and look down on you, is this how you want to live? Only you can change that. AS far as him. I would skip it He KNOWS you know. no question. they love it if we bring it up. then they have something to argue with us about . I believe we enable them if we step into their crazy business. crimany I have said it a thousand times, "I am not stupid you know."
Well of course you aren't. Making him off balance by not mentioning his using is the best thing. I believe in not being an open book. I used to be, not anymore. I learned that silence is the best revenge. Takes no enerty away from you, you are not part of the problem and you are not enabling them with a reason to fight.
Please please dust off your wings and consider a happier place for you love,debilyn
There is a part of me that wants to let him know that I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am but then I wonder what good is it going to do anyway. Has anyone else experienced this?