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I haven't posted much over the holiday week. I have been off and mostly hit the boards from my office, so it's been tough to get on.
All and all the holidays have been a blessing. The kids and I have had a great time, but Mom (my AW) is a whole different story.
I called her earlier today to see if she wanted to go downtown and see the fireworks. She reluctantly agreed. Picked her up about 7, and it's about 11 here now. She cried almost the whole time. I am glad the kids were off doing something else.
She sent me home (from her apartment) because "... I've been drinking and I can't have you like that."
She told me last night that she can't live up to what I want (for her to get sober) and she is ready to let go. She said she is afraid she will not like me sober.
It all pretty much boils down to she is giving up on getting sober. For all the chaos, all the fights, all the broken stuff, all the wasted money, all the insults and blame.... blah blah blah ... even after all that, I don't want her to just disapear.
I want her to grow the F*** up, get sober and come home. I know it's unfair to expect that. It doesn't mean I dont want it.
So... it's 40 minutes to 2007 here, and exactly 1 year ago this minute, my AW had just gone to bed after ranting and raving that I ruined her evening... she said goodnight with the phrase "...What a shitty way to start off 2006".
I told myself I would NOT have another holiday like last year, and I didn't thanks largely to you all, and everyone in my home group. My son's and I had a good holiday, and I can have hope for my AW, even if she has none. That's a gift I can never repay, although I will try.
I wish you all a wonderful and insightful 2007.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
rt , she has always understood just isn't ready yet . am glad u have had a good time with the kids thats important. Wife is still on pity pot and in to the blame game and tht is too bad . Hopefully bottom is just around the corner . thinking of you Louise
I rarely say this, but I am truly sorry for your pain. No matter how hard you work your program, no matter how "good" you are at it, at life etc. it still won't make them choose what we would like them too.
That has been the worst part of this disease for me. I couldn't make my A wake the F*** up either. That doesn't diminish hope, it's just another part of acceptance and powerlessness.
This is the time to really start living your life and allowing her to find her bottom. The other day as I was driving I thought about how I came to know my HP, whom I choose to call God, and I thought of all the crap I went thru and how hard it was. For me I wouldn't change one thing about it because it gave me the most incredible faith, something I really had never had. So my new years resolution and my prayer is to keep my hands off when it comes to my A. Allow him to go thru whatever it is that he's got to go thru to find his HP. I don't want him to have to go thru whatever it's going to take, but I know that I don't want to deprive him of that experience that could change his life and give him faith in something greater than he is.
I agree w/ abby and Luna, I could not make mine wake the %#%# up either (my ex or any A I have known).
Tho, I am doing what I can and that is change me (slowly, Progress Not Perfection, <lol> laughing at myself, just excuse me pls)
Anyway, from the time you have been here I hear of so much progress. You speak so lovingly of your children and yes, even thru your hurt the love you feel for your wife.
Please continue to do just what you did this evening -You matter, you have a right to live your life, you are entitled to contentment and happiness (Serenity)
A suggestion I have is you journal (maybe not today) on all the positive changes you have made, on all the good that you have experienced. This being a family disease I can only imagine how your recovery has helped your children beyond what I can convey.
Btw: Great going on having a good holiday!
(My own note is: No matter how poorly a day may be, I will focus on something/ anything positive of that day to end on. I try to end it with an attitude of gratitude)
As for the Hope – I apologize if you heard me tell this story before, I find it fitting to repeat now.
I once heard someone who was so distraught sharing how heartbroken they were, having to really Let Go and Let God with their A. They asked, “What can I do? I have let go, I feel so helpless” To which another replied, “There is always hope, there is nothing wrong with hope.”
My experience has made me skeptical. My a ex-husband went through 2 years of promising me he would get sober, promising me he was releasing me so that he could continue to drink, vowing that he had made the decision to never touch another drop, vowing that he was going to drink and nothing would stop him, swearing that I was right and he had to stop, swearing that it was all in my mind and he wasn’t really drinking,
Eventually I decided that I deserved more than all the lies, the evasions, the broken promises. Eventually I decided that even if I was alone for the rest of my life and dieing of loneliness, it was better than living with fights, abuse, dishonesty, constant aggravation and a man who put more effort into his relationship with a bottle than he put into our marriage.
I want to move in a straight line. I want to move ahead. I don’t want to go round and round in circles like a dog uselessly chasing his tail.
Anyway, when I started to think clearly, when I put my needs first, when I realized I was grieving for something that didn’t exist, I was able to let go. A friend put it very succinctly to me when he said: “you mean you are afraid to let go of something that you don’t like because if the person was different there might be a chance that you might like it better”. That is when I realized how silly my thinking was.
I watch you growing stronger rt. May you learn to float on the seas by not fighting the waves.
My experience has made me skeptical. My a ex-husband went through 2 years of promising me he would get sober, promising me he was releasing me so that he could continue to drink, vowing that he had made the decision to never touch another drop, vowing that he was going to drink and nothing would stop him, swearing that I was right and he had to stop, swearing that it was all in my mind and he wasn’t really drinking,
Eventually I decided that I deserved more than all the lies, the evasions, the broken promises. Eventually I decided that even if I was alone for the rest of my life and dieing of loneliness, it was better than living with fights, abuse, dishonesty, constant aggravation and a man who put more effort into his relationship with a bottle than he put into our marriage.
I want to move in a straight line. I want to move ahead. I don’t want to go round and round in circles like a dog uselessly chasing his tail.
Anyway, when I started to think clearly, when I put my needs first, when I realized I was grieving for something that didn’t exist, I was able to let go. A friend put it very succinctly to me when he said: “you mean you are afraid to let go of something that you don’t like because if the person was different there might be a chance that you might like it better”. That is when I realized how silly my thinking was.
I watch you growing stronger rt. May you learn to float on the seas by not fighting the waves.
I remember my hubby saying that he wasn't sure if he would love me sober. What he had forgotten was that 20+ years ago he did love me when he was sober. We were in college.
I still have hope for your A's recovery. I have hope for all As to find their sobriety. Because deep in my heart I truly believe that no one wants to be an A. Some will find their way, others will not. But it is my great hope for your family that no matter what decision she makes, your life will be filled with many happy wonderful times. That serenity will be granted to you and your children on a daily bases. You have come a long way already. So glad you found us.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Happy New Year.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Reading your post reminded me of my A saying things like "I do this (drink, drugs, lie) I don't deserve you ....". For years I tried to reassure him that even with those things he is a good person, and that I love him etc. I saw it as insecurity, pity pot, maybe seeing a glimpse of reality.
More recently when those things get said I see them more as a way of testing my boundaries. I think I am supposed to build up his self worth, reassure him I can forgive all the wrongs, that I love him. I don't anymore, it's like throwing rocks in a bottomless well. I need that energy and all those kind words for myself. It's his job as a human being to find the things in life that make him able to live, love and forgive himself not mine.
Geesh I went off on a tangent there, what it boils down to for me is that I have hope and faith that he will find his HP to give him the tools needed for his life.
I'm really glad you and the kids had a great holiday, my wish is for many more to come for us all here at MIP!
So glad you and the kids had a good holiday together. You and your children have binded together to continue your family despite your AW's choices. It is too bad that she continues to choose alcohol over her health, sanity, and family, but that is what A's do until they realize for themselves those choices are empty. The love she may have for the drink will never fulfill her like the love from you and her family. What I keep thinking is that she is in a great deal of pain about herself, her life, and only she can get to the bottom of her feelings. Maybe that will be part of her bottom. She is blessed to have a husband and family like yours... my prayer for her is that she will succumb to her bottom and realize that. I agree with what everyone else here has posted, you have much life to live. Make the best of it. May your 2007 be filled with peace, serenity, and healing.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I admire your resolve not to have a holiday like last year even though your heart is breaking. I think it is so positive and healthy for you to have this outlook. Thank you for the inspiration, you are a great example to us all and to your children.
I pray for you every day that your wife finds recovery and that you can be a happy whole couple again. HP's timetable isn't always ours, remember. Patience is definitely needed, and it is so tough to try to obtain patience when all you want is your wife back. Your love is important, and you are learning to love yourself so that you can better love others, that is so nice. You are a compassionate caring person and I wish you all the best in 2007 also. Thanks for always being here and sharing your strength with us.
(((rtexas))))) glad you had a good holiday with kids, anyway. You received a lot of good ESH on your post, and I have to say, I agree your wife understands, but still is scared, unwilling, unable at this moment in time to let go of the alcohol. Hang in there, you are doing great.
I know I get so frustrated sometimes, wishing my AH would grow up, too. I wish he would just QUIT gosh darn it! STOP! Unfortunately, it isn't that easy. Would that it were. We have to keep telling ourselves it is a disease, and it keeps on fooling our husbands or wives, just as it fools us. It is a tricky disease. Now you see it, now you don't. Whoops, there it is again.
Glad you are here. And happy 2007 to you too. Your wife doesn't know yet how lucky she is to have you, but your kids do, and that, my friend, is very, very important.
