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My A son in Florida keeps calling, crying and begging me to front a ticket home for him. I have stood firm and said when I sell his car, which is advertised, I will get him a ticket, not before. He cries and says i have picked the wrong time to take a stand.
He makes me angry, sad, hopeless, unable to focus and I keep eating to stuff away my awful feelings. My jeans don't close. I know I am doing the right thing, but now a new feeling has entered. I think I am a sadist because he feels so bad and I could make him feel better by buying the ticket, but I know it really doesn't help him in the long run. I actually feel good sometimes because I know that by hurting him in the short run, perhaps maybe I am helping him in the long run. Is that sadistic?
He has taken my whole day so far today. I have accomplished nothing except to eat all the frozen left over Thanksgiving desserts and make myself even fatter and sicker. I have a f2f tonight.
First, congratulate yourself on your accomplishments of setting a healthy boundary for yourself!! That is a great step in recovery. Setting & maintaining those boundaries is tough, keeping working at it, seeking your HP's guidance & attending those f2f meetings!! I sometimes, still feel uncomfortable with those boundaries & standing firm, but I am learning that is what is best for me & the A's in my life.
As for the desserts, try treating that just like recovery - One Day at a Time - please be gentle with yourself (no name calling fat, etc.). You wouldn't talk to a friend that way - please don't talk to yourself that way. Try different things to relieve the stress - breathing, relaxing walks, hot bubble baths, stretching exercises, etc. Most of all remember Progress not Perfection - If you have a set back, you can always start over at any point in the day!!
Sending you thoughts filled with Hope & Courage,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
so dear, if you sent him a ticket, where would he go? come live with you????? That would be disaterous.
Plus an addict can sell anything. NO matter what you do, he could use it for more dope. He can get a job, he can figure it out himself.He has to, to grow up.
If we help them, they never learn they can do it themselves. I would not send him a dime even if you sell the car. We take away so much by enabling them at all.
You tell him the money is at your place and he has to figure out how to get there. He can post a note all over for a ride, he can work a bit even on temp jobs.
Please allow him the dignity to grow up. And YOU ARE!!! I know how hard it is, been there, done that. I was so sad when I told my 22 year old son 8 years ago he had to figure it out. I would go shopping or whatever and people would ask what is wrong? Even strangers, when I told them they responded just like I did with you. We as parents are in this together. I am proud of you!!
He will be ok. Let him show you, you can be proud of him too. I would not answer my phone.
The disease likes to get it's own way. It likes to be in control, and it will try anything to stay that way. If your weakness is guilt, then guilt it shall be. My AW didn't stop calling me saying what I was doing was wrong and I was killing her.... until I quit answering the phone.
Yes, I felt like a total ass. I was not used to setting boundries and sticking to them.
One night in trying to explane to my 11 yr old what was going on it occured to me that this was the same as when my son was to sleep in his own room. He cried and screamed, said he was sick, said he was scared, said he heard things, threw tantrums till he threw up... on many levels he didn't get comfortable with it until we got comfortable with knowing he was ok. He was right across the hall for goodness sake.
When I related this to my son.... he went... "Ah, I get it". You see, she is safe, she is 38 years old for crying out loud, she has a place to live, a car, a job, money. She doesn't like it but she will be fine.
1200 miles is one thing, but if nothing changes... nothing changes. You can control how much of your day he takes up with his chaos. That is not sadistic, that is your right as a human being.
My heart aches when I read your post, because I have been in and out of that hell for a long time. I am learning that the 3 c's go both ways. I didn't cause them to get sick, but you know what ... I can't cause them to get twice as sick by taking care of me!
Take a deep breath and yank that phone out of the wall for a while if you need to.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
NO!NO!NO!...you are NOT a sadist. You are doing absolutely the most loving and caring thing you can do for your beloved son. As wise debilyn says....you are giving him the dignity to make his own choices and take a step forward towards his own recovery.
You've been SO strong dear Laura......... I KNOW how hard it is to do what you are struggling with........hang in there sweet lady. Do anything it takes for you to get through this difficult time........but don't cave in to the disease or the emotional see-sawing. Oooops....just remembered we are not here to give advice.
Whatever it takes for you to keep the focus on you.......eat the fridge!!! Pray to your HP. Go to meetings......ring a friend.....yank the phone out of the wall.....take a relaxing bath.....anything!!!! Whatever it takes to stay strong.
As has been said, get caller ID if you don't have it, or just plain don't answer to hear the pleading and begging. You have choices hon. You are the one in control. There's no need to give up your power and surrender to the insanity. It doesn't change the situation. You said: "He makes me angry, sad, hopeless, unable to focus and I keep eating to stuff away my awful feelings. "
Even though it is very difficult, this is where you can make a choice . Busy yourself, put him in his HP's hands, do something out of the ordinary, visit a friend, make dinner plans, do anything!!
I know you don't feel like it, I've been there too, but I found out if I force myself out of that dark place I have a much clearer head and lighter heart. You can do it!!. It really is a choice. No one has the power to keep you in despair unless you choose to stay there.
keep trying Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 17:32, 2006-12-04
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
