The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a hard time discerning this on. In healthy relationships, we have disagreements with others. We get hurt by what someone says or an action they may take. We may have a conflict. It is our responsibility to tell that person how we feel, isn't it? If the relationship matters and we have a conflict, or a boundary has been crossed. Setting boundaries. But when do these same conflicts become unhealthy? I'm trying to figure this out. I know that we are not supposed to be PollyAnas and stuff our feelings down and pretend everything is fine when it is no and it is not healthy to go off on a rage and berate and belittle someone. So how do we have healthy conflict with the A without getting ourselves into the unhealthy and old worn out behaviors? I'm writing to figure this out.
Is it by stating our feelings in a calm loving manner but firmly and directly? And then what? A healthy adult would either say, you are important to me and I can meet that need. Or, they would say that compromises who I am and I can't give you that. So I guess we negotiate and figure out how important this or that boundary is to us. But what about this same conflict in an unhealthy manner - what happens?
I want to understand so I catch myself and learn better ways and can tell when I am not behaving in my own best interest. Learning this stuff one day at a time. Thanks for letting me write and for all of you - I'm so grateful to have found this board!
This reading in the ODAT for January 7 has been quite helpful to me in situation of conflict. It reads:
Someone said something unkind about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome my hurt? By detaching myself, "turning it off," until I can figure out what lies behind it. If it was retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me correct my fault. If not, I have no responsibility in the matter. Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go; least said, soonest mended. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it.
Today's Reminder
Let me not take to myself, and suffer over, the actions and reactions of other people. Other adult human beings are not my responsibility, no matter how closely their lives may be intertwined with mine. I will not allow myself to be troubled by anyone else; my one problem is to improve my own way of living and looking at life.
"God teach me to detach my mind from what others say and do, except to draw helpful lessons and guidance from them."
I do hope this helps you sort it out.
HUGS
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I find that when I am using the words (even if only to myself, while grumbling) "you are making me feel...." that's a sign that I am giving someone else too much power over my emotions. It means it's time to back up, slow down, and use some of my alanon tools - just go through the slogans and things I have learned, until I find something that applies to the situation. A useful question to ask yourself, before speaking up, is "What do I hope to accomplish by saying this?" Sometimes I find that what I am after is really not likely to be the result of my actions. This means that I need to find an action that WILL give me what I want, or maybe adjust to the reality that what I want is not possible.
You hit the nail on the head on alot of points. Yes, in a functioning, healthy relationship, it is a part of it to say, honestly, directly and simply, how you feel, what you need, and what you want. Where people get caught up is they somehow seem to believe taht this means "Now that I've said all this, you are now obliged to meet my expectations and demands." No...no not quite.
What I think you're asking especially is, "In our relationships with our loved ones, especially those in active alcholism, how do we have 'healthy communication?" And as someone mentioned earlier, first we work on our selves. It does us absolutely NO GOOD to believe that an alcholic in active disease can honor our needs, wants, expectations, understand our problems, or address a crisis at hand if WE as recovering family members do not have a firm and honest grip on THEIR disease. This, to me, is one of the bed rocks of the 5th tradition: we are never asked to forgive their behavior, although it is strongly advised since our resentments only keep us hostage; we are never mandated to work the steps or get a sponsor, although, again, it is strongly advised since we find healing and freedom within the spiritual solution that teh steps offer to our human problem. By daily looking to an entity that is more infinite than our human selves, which is to say god, we are going to be supplied with spiritual tools and solutions to our daily, human problems.
So, then, what is effective, honest communication, using these spiritual tools? Well, I think a better question is what kind of communication tools do you use on a daily basis with non alcholics? Would you confront someone with delicate information (say, they're being fired from a job and you're the messenger), if they've recently lost a loved one? Would you discuss delicate and private family matters with a person using insensitive and rude language, or in a voice so that people who were not involved in the conversation you were having could easily understand it? Of course not! The simple tool of discernment (aka "size up the situation") can solve a great deal of problems. The alcholic spoiling for a fight? Don't give it to them! The alcholic regretting the last dickens of a bender? Let'em be uncomfortable! Don't feed into their feelings and don't carry on an emotional conversation. Silence is, in many situations, the better part of valor, and an undercredited part of class.
Having said THAT, when the hour comes upon you, and it will, what do you do? I prefer "reflexive speech:" "What I'm hearing you say is.....Am I hearing you correctly?" "What I think you're saying is....Is that correct?" When feelings are being hurt, or people are being cruel, simple and direct commentary is called for: "When you say.....I feel....." Period. No more. No explaining! You're not a witness at a murder trial. You have sized up the situation, realized it is safe to share that your feelings have been hurt, and are telling the person directly, "That was uncessary to say that. It was hurtful." No more. In a sense, you are taking back your power.
I agree that there are normal healthy ways to deal with conflict or disagreement, but then sometimes you come to realise the person you are dealing with isn't like that.
In my situation I would always try to rationalise things to him, but then I realised I am not talking to a mature rational person. I used to think I'm talking to an adult and so he will respond to me like one, but I had to realise that's not the way it is.
I used to get frustrated. Now I just think to myself: I know what's right for me and that's all that matters. Trying to get acknowledgement from them of your feelings can be futile and only waste your energy. Only you can make yourself feel better, not them finally saying 'I know that hurt you' and the hurt magically goes away.
I've wasted far too much emotional energy waiting for the great apology that will make it all go away. The reality is, there is no such thing. He doesn't even remember half the things that have broken my heart, and an apology wouldn't really make the big difference anyway. Accepting that is, I have found, a process, not something done all at once.
