The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to try to set limits with the A by screaming, going on and on about things and talking endlessly about what I would not do. Then I would inevitably renege and do it anyways. I would be rewarded for 10 minutes by his affection and appreciation then he would be right back to normal.
These days my setting limits is sometimes by doing and saying nothing. The A I live with is always short of money at the same time he claims to be working all the time. So this week he was claiming that all these people owed him money and he did not know how he would pay some of his bills. He's done that umpteen times and after a lot of thought I decided that I will not step in anymore. I am willing to let the chips fall on certain things. On other things I am not and this past month I ended up paying $300 for car insurance he does not pay anymore. I have a real reason to do that since he has an outstanding speeding ticket and is days away from a warrant. If he gets picked up I'm likely to lose my car without insurance and to get it back would be prohibitive.
So this time when he did his theatrical number of ranting and raving and going on and on about he did not have his funds. I listened but I said nothing. I did not display anger. I said nothing about my own financial situation (which I used to use to reinforce I could not help him then I helped him anyways). I did none of my normal theatrics. I said nothing and offered nothing but I did not show irritation and was not rude (which I have to admit is hard because I believe he has seriously manipulated me for years).
Then a day or so ago he said he had the money. And I said nothing about that too.
I feel relieved that I no longer have to get caught up in his dramarama.
Good for you!!! That's a prime example that if we don't rush in to "fix" things the A will find a way on their own without being rescued. Gee, they can function without us saviors, who knew? Those types of lessons are good ones. We realize that the A won't vaproize if we aren't there for them. Most are manipulative enough that they just move on to the next victim after their drama hasn't worked. It was not only shocking to my A the first time I said NO, but the result was shocking to me. I really did take back my power. I remember the freedom I felt when it worked. Each time I got stronger. Each time it got easier.
Keep it up! Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow I am amazed and glad that that worked for you.
It sounds good in theory, but how do you literally say nothing? When they ask you a question, ask you for something do you just say nothing, or do you say 'I don't know'.. surely they'd realise that is a bit of a game in itself. Say if they asked if they could borrow your car, do you just say 'I don't know'? In that situation you have to say yes or no, or 'maybe later' and never mean to have a later.
There are lots of ways to say something, without really saying anything - "I'll have to think about that", "I'll get back to you", "We'll see", "Maybe" ,"I can't answer that right now"...and yes, just silence. Most people are made very uncomfortable by silence, and will rush in to say something to fill it up.
I think, in some ways, we can take a page from the A's book on this. I know that everyone here has tried to talk to the A about something he/she doesn't want to talk about. How far have you gotten?
Learning to not allow ourselves to be bullied in this way is just one of the steps we can take towards a more healthy life. Maybe the first time, you hold out for five minutes before giving in, maybe next time it's ten, the time after, he gives up before you do - suddenly you know how to do it. Nothing succeeds like success, they say- sometimes we learn how to do new things by trying, and finding out what works. It feels risky, and I suppose it is, but the old ways don't work anymore - if they did, we wouldn't be here.
In that situation (the car) the saying "Say what you mean but don't say it mean" comes in to play. A simple, "I'm sorry, no" will suffice. After that the silence can continue if you wish because you've already said everything you have to say. JADE=Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
onfused.