The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately I've been feeling a lot of resentment and anger towards my A. Last weekend I reluctantly agreed to go to a visit with her for the good of my child. However, I could not look my A in the eye and just felt mad the whole time I was there. She asked if we could hug and I tried to be polite and said "no thank you". As the evening went on, I tried distracting myself with my family and she went off to play with the grandbabies. I was discussing my living situation with my relatives and said "I'm hoping we can move before Christmas" and my A jumped in and said "Yea, I was hoping we could give it another go now that I'm sober"...I hate to say it but I laughed and then said "I don't think so...probably not ever...maybe not for a long long time, but probably not ever." Which looking back, I realize was totally rude and mean and definitely out of character for me. But it's just that when I'm near her I get very anxious, angry and statr to resent everything she says and does. It's awful and it's starting to spill over into many other aspects of my life including my relationship with my 2 year old child. I asked my husband later why she would be so "stupid" (I know, I'm mean) that she would think we could live together again and he said something that really hit me, he said "You told her that you wouldn't have a relationship with her again until she got help and that's what she's doing but you're still not having a relationship with her." And while that is true, this is not supposed to be about ME. It doesn't matter what I want, she needs to get better because it's what she wants to do, NOT because it's what I want for her or anyone else wants for her. Do you think she is sticking out her treatment because she wants to appease me...either because she regrets what happened between us or because she misses the way we used to be? Do you think I owe her another chance because she's better now, even though I've seen her get "better" before only to have it all come back in a matter of months? I really don't think I will ever, ever be able to live with the woman again, no matter if she's sober or not. It's hard to live with anyone, much less a recovering alcoholic...and her baby son (my hub)! And as far as a decent relationship goes, I need to do a lot more work on myself before I can really accept her back into my life again. I know this all sounds very selfish and I understand that, but I think part of recovering is attending to your own needs before anyone else's and wanting to get well mostly for yourself and not as much for the ones you love...otherwise you're just trying to please others and not genuinely trying to change. I don't know...I have had a rough couple of days and although I attended an anger class this week, I somewhat feel like I am stifiled by my anger and have definitely been taking it out on people who don't deserve it. It's very depressing for me because I was once a very happy and compassionate person and that side of me has been covered up with all this rage. I don't know how to control it or make it go away and I need help. Any advice is good advice!
I don't really have advice. I do know that I am learning that feelings aren't facts. Feelings are just that..feelings. You are being honest with your feelings, and that's okay. No one else can say whether it's right or wrong...it simply is what we are feeling. Once we acknowledge our feelings, and allow ourselves the right to feel them, then we can gradually step back and clarify to ourselves by writing down the reasons we are feeling this way and what our motives are. That doesn't mean they will always go away right away if ever, but at least I can acknowledge them and begin to deal with them.
I have been going through a similar thing, only my A is the father of my 18mo old son and we have been separated this year. He keeps saying he wants us to be a family together and will do whatever it takes, he says he will stop "if that's what I want" so I understand what you mean about them not wanting to do it for themselves. And I totally understand the resentment of them even when they are trying to change or are actually changing. I'm tired of hearing his promises or grand statements and then having lapses, or saying grandly how he's over it - and it's like 'oh good to know that you are over it so quickly, what about the lasting affect *your* actions had on me'. Sometimes it feels like someone stepping on your toe and then saying how they are over it, why aren't you?
I'm think it's natural, and you are right, we need time to process and move on from it in our own way too. After all their selfishness I think they need to understand that they don't get what they want from us when they want it too.
I have to be supercareful around resentment. I find it toxic. So I would say I have to manage those feelings very very carefully. I also have to watch it when for whatever reason I am just simply pushing the A away.
Experience has shown time and again that if an A gets sober for any other reason than themselves, they will not stay sober. However, you should keep doing your own footwork as well.
We learn that in these relationships, we both have our parts in the problem. We learn that by changing our own behavior, that is a form of an amends. In AA, the A's also need to "grow up", mature if you will. Both Ala-nons and AA's quickly learn that sometimes in life we cannot undo the hurt we've caused. Sometimes even an amends is not going to be good enough. Each program helps the other with their particular situation.
A's also need to learn to deal with rejection. Rejection if someone won't hug them or rejection if someone won't accept an amends. When they can learn to deal with their true authentic feelings, chances are better and better for continued recovery. The same goes for us Alanoers.
So my question is how is this anger working for you? Do you feel better when you are angry? Do you feel powerful when you are angry? Do you use anger so you don't have to feel with the feelings underneath that anger? Only you can know the answers.
So glad you are posting Keep coming it works if you work it and you are worth it. yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Resentment can eat a hole right through us if we hold onto it long enough and it is also very difficult to let go of it.
I finally realized that I had to let go of the resentment and practice what I preach. LOL We deal with two people when there is an addicted personality in our lives. We deal with our loved one but the other person is the addict/alcoholic. If I accept the fact that these people in my life are very sick and that I am definitely dealing with two people then it is easier to let the resentment go.
I like to use the analgy for resentment as this:
Imagine you have a pitcher that has a reserve at the bottom. The pitcher is full of your resentments. You deal with things and pour the resentment out but the resentments in the reserve keep slowly creeping back into the pitcher. You have to keep pouring them out of the pitcher until one day there are none left.
Hope this helps
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Keep coming it works if you work it and you are worth it.