The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past Wednesday at the online evening meeting the topic was Martyrdom and humility. I found some of the shares life changing. Of course I have been aware that martyrdom was a huge part in my relationship with the A. I also felt set up in it. And I am only beginning to see the chink of light in being able to get out of that at least on a financial aspect. I also really did not see for me that many of the issues I have come from my mother's modelling. My mother was a martyr all her life from cultural and religious reasons (it was the way she interpreted her religion more than anything). The irony is that I had just moved into a space where I felt less angry at my mother and more compassion for how hard her life is. Now I am seeing some of why it was so so hard was because she was a martyr.
But back to me there is a huge issue of me martyring myself and mothering people and not having any boundaries. I am at last finding myself able to stick up for myself at work and ask for help, direction training when I need it. I have to say it does not always go down well. When I was Mr. Martyr, people pleaser, slave I was very popular in some elements. I was also very unpopular in others because I wore my welcome out and my perfectionism on my every action.
I've had to cut way way back in my interactions with others because really the only way I know how to relate is codependently and blurring boundaries. I have to slow every thing down really slow and be really careful in my friendships.
I've also had to really look at my expectations. When I am matyring my expectations are in the stratosphere. At work these days I just want a job and to cover myself and document that I am doing the best I can. I am no longe ms. superhuman. I am also not wanting the kind of recognition I once got for martyring. So I know I can do it in some areas. I did not cook thanksgiving this year for me that would have been martyring since I was burned out and tired and I am also broke (needless to say I would have had to pay for it myself).
I look forward to working on this issue in 2007. I know it will be difficult. I know it will also cut down on my real enemy, resentment which in my case can kill me.
Awareness can be such a great thing. How would we ever change if we don't become aware? I'd just like to say I love how you brought your post "back to you." We may find we pick up things from our parents, only today we are the ones responsible for who we are and who we want to be. I have a feeling you are going to have a great growing year in 2007
Remember it's progress not perfection, we work on things one day at a time. If you are ever discouraged, look back at where you were, 3-6-12 months ago. Sometimes we can forget how far we've already come.
