The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today the A was having his usual huge temper tantrums and for once I was not being affected by it which in itself is a miracle. Some person owes him money and it is the end of the world. Life has to be entirely on his terms.
I was detaching away there thinking of anything but his tantrum when I suddenly had a vision of my own temper tantrums. This one was towards an ex boyfriend who was being particularly flamboyant about his new girlfriend who he had in the wings before he dumped me. I had a real old tantrum one night and I remember this friend who was with me saying he was disappointed in me and just carrying on anyways. I couldn't hear him I was just the picture of immaturity much like the A has been all day today. I can still have my tantrums. I try not to have them. I try to pick when I have them but I still have them and I'd like to get beyond them. I suddenly had this insight that at one time I was much like the A life entirely on my terms or I would sulk and carry on. I was also really prone to getting on the pity pot. These days I am grateful for small things. I am sometimes on total overwhelm too and I would like to get off that but I still go there. I am no longer paralyzed with rage and resentment at the A. I do spend time resenting him but not in the posionous way I once did. I set limits, I take a lot of time away from him. I let go. I also know that I can imagine something else today and one of them may be being on my own for an extended period of time maybe forever and it does not feel like it is the end of the world. In fact some days it feels like it may be the beginning of something exciting.
My days are indeed tedious dealing with the A. He is like a small child but in a giants body. He is huge well over 200 lbs and twice the size of me. A tantrum by him is a deadly thing and he thrives on that he can be powerful in a tantrum and create havoc. I know when I don't respond on overwhelm his tantrums are less dramatic. I also know it doesn't drain me in the sam way it used to. Nevertheless I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life like this or even next week like this never mind another few months or whatever. I know the strength I get from a friend and this program helps me immeasurably. I also know I have to look at my own tantrums, my own self destructive rage (which on some levels can match the A's) as well as my own pity pot syndromes and martyrdom and feeling like a victim all the time.
I follow your posts - you are always such an inspiration to me!
The way you admit exactly who you are at the moment and what you are struggling with really helps show me what it means to get honest and really work my program.
Your post tonight reminded me of one of the tools I like to use when I am really ranting and struggling with someone's behavior in my life, especially when it's behavior that I am very frustrated about and cannot control. At those times, it's been a great help to turn whatever I am frustrated about back to me. If I am frustrated about someone chronically not showing up, I ask myself where are the places in my life that I do not show up? If I am frustrated by somone not being attentive to my needs, I ask myself how am I not attentive to my needs or other people's needs? It's always very enlightening when I turn the question like this, and it helps me see that my struggles are not all that different from the one's that really frustrate me. Thanks for the reminder! I needed that tonight!
Thanks for the great post - very inspiring and uplifting. I agree - it's sometimes not enough to distance yourself from the A - part of the growing and accepting process is also looking within and recognizing our own faults.
I found myself getting angry with the A last night. He turns in to Mr. Lovey Dovey when he drinks. After being at work for 8 hours - plus traffic time - then spending 2.5 hours in class - I'm not interested in being affectionate while trying to watch a movie that I've been trying to watch since before Thanksgiving. I keep forgetting that if I just push him away and ignore him he gets angry and goes to bed. So I got angry with him and went to bed myself.
I feel the same as you. I can't imagine continuing this scenario. The thought of moving on is starting to look pretty dang good.
Thanks for that post. I get so many things in my head I can't think about one thing for more than a few minutes. I feel like most of the time I am on autopilot just doing what I have to, the bare minimum to get thru. Many times I think I'm not appreciating life living in the moment and always stressed and upset about something. Most of the time I realize it and then start thinking about the next thing without doing anything about the last.
Thank you for your share Maresie. I needed a good reminder on focusing on myself instead of the As antics. Your insight brought back that thoughtful good feeling that happens when I see something in myself that I need to work on.
