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Just got finished with a long IM conversation with my other dil. She is married to my son who is in the Navy. They live about 4.5 hours away from us in Norfolk, VA.
She is from Japan and really knows nothing about Alanon or dealing with aism. I told her that I would help her to understand things that she needs to do to get through this. Thank God...he is not an everday drinker but who knows what can happen down the road. They have been trying to have a baby for almost 5 years now. I told her maybe they should stop trying for awhile until he realizes that his drinking is a problem and gets help for it. I tried very hard to explain to her about not being able to stop on his own if he is an A.
Was it wrong to give her advice ?
I just do not want to lose another dil and grandchild to this horrible disease. She needs me to help her through this.
I don't think you were wrong in giving her advice at all. When it comes to bringing a defenseless baby into the picture with an active A if there is a choice of to or not to then somebody needs to think about it. A baby will not solve their problems, it won't make him more responsible and want to quit drinking it will only add to the stress and the child is the one that will suffer.
JMHO
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
In my opinion you did the right thing - if called on we should speak. We know we have no control over what others do and can not change anyones behavior with what we say. We.only can change and control our own behaviors. In my mind, we still have a voice given to us by our HP and we need to gently use it when called on to do so.
I think, for one thing, I'm hearing alot of projecting. I'm hearing a person that's assuming that things are gonna just fall to hell in a handbasket. One of the things that is commong about Japanese women is that they're quite resourceful--their culture values Confuscian conformist behavior, but simultaneously, expects each of its citizens to have an inner well of virtue for human life. For the family. For themselves. And Japanese women are expected to go to college, achieve high things--they are expected to bring honor to a family by having children, which is probably at the root of her discouragement, that she is humiliating your family by not being able to bring you a son specifically. For her, his alcholism isn't as humiliating as her inability to get pregnant.
I think the best thing that can be done is for you to make clear you're availible. I think it's important that she knows that no matter what you can be there and that you love her. However you feel about her having grandchildren, you want her in your life. Lastly, I think she needs to be assured that she can talk to you, with out being judged, humiliated, whatever.
I think if your DIL has a problem with your son's drinking and she has expressed it, then its not bad to inform her of her resources and what is available to her to help her out. If the drinking has not become a problem yet but you are fearful that it will I agree with the others that its best to hang back and just let her know if she needs anyone to listen you'll be available. It must be tough on them to have continued trying to have a baby all this time. Your DIL maybe having some feelings of disappointment around that as well. They are lucky they have you in their lives to be a support system to them. Continue to offer prayers up for them... HP will work this out for them.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think I would also be informative, while being very careful not to use your son's name or bring up any personal actions. That could backfire and create stress in your relatonship. You sure don't want your DIL to be in an arguement with your son and say "Even your mother agrees with me and says you are ____________ and she also says you _______.
I would speak only Alanon.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
