The material presented
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Today is a good day. The past 3 months have been good months. My ah has been sober for 3 and 1/2 months. My ex-husband is working in India for close to 9 months--so I haven't had to shuffle the kids back and forth. I have a new position at my school--less work same pay. We are goin up north for Christmas--first time my whole family will be together for X-mas in I think about 6-7 years.
I still feel melancholy--I guess is a good word. I still feel like I am on the outside of my husband's life--looking in. I think that is the way it will be forever. I am trying to understand it. We aren't arguing or anything like that, I know AA should come first--I don't want anything to get in the way of his sobriety!! Maybe with time things will become different, but now he calls his sponsor at night and one or two other AA members--which is good I know, but I feel like they know more about him and his day than me. I am jealous. I know it talks about this in the AA book--the family/wives section. I guess I need to read it again. He always says I'm his "best friend", but I don't feel that way. I feel like he talks to everyone else and I hear what's going on if I listen in on his conversations.
He has also had a couple of new AA girls hit on him--one right in front of me. One girl tried to kiss him. He hasn't lied to me about it (I don't think). He comes home and tells me about it, but part of me gets scared--he always metions how I am an "earth" person and I won't ever really understand. While part of me gets that there is still another part that says I may not understand, but I still want to talk and be a part of--I may not understand, but I can accept things and maybe one of these days it may become clearer to me. I just wonder if one day he may turn to one of the girls in AA b/c they "get it". I know I am asking for trouble!!! I am worrying about something I cannot control!!!!
How do I get him to talk and share with me w/o being nosey or pushy? How do I make sure our relationship grows even though there is a part of his life I may never understand and not be entirely let in?
Any suggestions? Especially male perspectives would be appreciated! I don't want to be the overbearing paranoid wife!!! I just want a good relationship with my husband.
I understand where you are coming from and please don't take this the wrong way, I say it in complete compassion.
His recovery is his not yours, you have your own recovery to work on. We have to ask ourselves when we want to pry into "how things are going" if it is any of our business. Are you possibly bringing trouble into the picture before it becomes valid? We never know what tomorrow will bring for us but if we live in today and let our HP take care of tomorrow then we will have a much clearer mind and be able to deal with today.
It is not uncommon for a lonely soul to hit on a member of the opposite sex who shares a part of their life in recovery. I have seen it happen on both sides of the coin in AA and Al-Anon. The fact that he is open and honest with you about it is a big plus. That means he realizes it is there and he also realizes where he needs to be and continues to come home to you at night. He will share his recovery with you when the time is right, just try to understand that he just isn't ready yet and as long as you work on yourself both of your lives will be better and your relationship will flourish because of it.
(((HUGS)))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I am so glad that your hubby has 90 days under his belt. That is wonderful.
I don't know if this helps or not, but part of my AW Aism is a very low self esteme. I have noticed over the years that she will tell me of others hitting on her from time to time, and in our case I don't think it is just plane honesty, I think she is confirming to herself that others to "approve" of her. Like she thinks I don't. The funny thing is at times I think she is making it up.
I can tell you for certain that when she was attracted to another man she didn't mention it. Because unfortunately that did happen a couple of times.
I like your statement about control. If he is going to do something, you can't control it anyway, but it's very possible there is nothing to it at all. So why worry?
Unfortunately I don't have any experience with my AW being sober, so the contention with your time with him vs AA I don't have much feed back for. But if you want to stay out of his business where that is concearned, is there something else... maybe something new you guys can do together to get that bond back? Remodeling, golf, going to a gym ... anything that would give you something new to talk about. Something to do together.
Just a thought...
I think you are doing great! Keep it up, and keep posting!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am not upset by what you said--I think I just need to clarify. I'm not intending on asking "how are you, or how are things going" in the recovery sense. I meant day to day stuff--work, any funny things happen, just regular stuff!! I know it is best to stay out of the recovery bit--not that I don't get my feelings hurt about that too, but I know it is best for him and his sponsor to deal with that b/c sometimes ( o.k. all the time) I just really don't need to know everything about that--I would probably just worry more!!!!!
rtexas--
I have taken up hunting with him. I truly enjoy those times (although you can't talk and hunt at the same time--we are usually in two different spots)--I like doing stuff with him. I would like to pick up something else though where there is actually communication though.
I think part of the problem may be that we just don't get to nice things together. Money is tight--so we don't go out. When we are at home I'm busy cleaning or cooking or he is busy outside. We just need to work in a "our time" evening every other week maybe--shoot I guess once a month would be better than nothing!!!
I don't think you're abnormal at all. I think what you're feeling is, to some degree or another, a level of rejection. You went from his caregiver to...what? And that's okay. I think a really good solution would be, first, get a solid foundation of your own recovery. Get involved with al anon friends; do some things with a new comer like going out to dinner and a movie; reach out to people who are new in the program like others did for you. I would also reach out to your community at large--are there schools in the area that could use tutors? is there a food pantry that could use someone to help sort donations and help cook meals for those in need? what about the local red cross or salvation army? the folks ringin' those bells honestly don't get paid! By finding your own interests and creating your own life, what you're really doing is setting your own course--creating an intimate relationship with yourself so that you can be certain that, no matter what comes your way, you can tap into your inner resources and rely on them, because they are supplied by your higher power. They are not supplied by any human power.
By finding your own interests and creating your own life, what you're really doing is setting your own course--creating an intimate relationship with yourself so that you can be certain that, no matter what comes your way, you can tap into your inner resources and rely on them, because they are supplied by your higher power. They are not supplied by any human power.