The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope you all are doing well. Things are fair here, husband almost has 30 days sobriety (on Wed) due to a DUI - he is too afraid I guess to continue drinking. I have been staying home, enjoying the peace - and enjoying him being home for a change. But, things have changed. I am so hurt and my spirit is still so broken from this year of betrayal, lies and his affair (I think) with this other woman.
This relationship is just not the same with me. I realized it this weekend. I am crushed... I am spent. I am expecting the worst, and I am suspicious and jealous. I have realized that I will not continue in this relationship if he begins to drink again. I can't go back through the tornado again... I won't.
I have to get up and go to my face to face tonite. I cannot let the past bring me down, or worry about what next year will bring. It has been the worst year of my life, but I have been thinking, I made some real friends this year. I made such good friends through Alanon and here. I have grown so much. I realize I am worth something, I do have value! I deserve a good life with good friends and I can give my love and compassion to others. I am able to live alone and be happy. To spend time alone and be happy with my own company. It doesn't mean I don't love the man I have spent 17 years with. I love him immensely, to the point of doing anything for him, but I have grown to know I will not lose my sanity for him.
Now I must forge ahead, and let my resentments go. Thanks Tiger for your post on letting go, I needed that. It is so healthy for our spirits to let the bitterness and hurt go. We are much better people and better able to be of service when our feelings are calm and peaceful and loving. I will not be destroyed by events that are out of my control. I will take charge and take action. Stay in prayer and meditation, ask HP to guide me away from feeling sorry for myself and my situation. Be the best I can be, today, this moment.
So glad to hear from you! Your post sounds so strong and secure in yourself, that is great! I always get a little sad when the statement is made that "I love this person, but not enough to loose my sanity over it." That is so indicitive of this family disease. It is the tragedy I see in my own relationship.
But you know what, it is really empowing to realize that your life does not depend on his actions. You don't have to wait until he lives his whole life to see if your life becomes one that is fulfilling. That freedom of choice means you can start making the most of your life right now!
I am learning to do that more and more every day thanks to support from people like you!
Keep growing and sharing... it is so helpful for everyone!
Most of all... take care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so proud of you! Recovery means taking back your life. Living the life you so richly deserve. You are finding your way through the forest. This is a program of strength. The longer we stay with it, the stronger we get.
I too love my hubby more than life itself. Heaven forbid he relapsed again and continued to be active. Despite all the love I feel in my heart for him, I would not live with an active alcoholic again. Like you, I could not go down that path again.
In time the trust will slowly come back, and the hurt fade. Mine was unfaithful to me when he was active, and he doesn't remember it. It cut like a knife. Somehow the hurt has faded and I do trust him to make the choices that are best for him. Keep working your program because the dynamics of a marriage in recovery vs. the active marriage are different. But we need our Alanon tools more than ever.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I hope his sobriety sticks. May he one day discover the joy of living sober.
Love and blessings to you and yours.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I hear you. This has been the hardest year of my life. I too am learning to enjoy my own company and be alone. It sounds like you have grown alot and found yourself. Keep up the good work.
Wow, it sounds like quite a few of us has had the worst year ever! Glad it is about to turn into 2007! Lucky #7!
Well, actually the last 2 years have been my worst, and when I look back, there has been a lot of improvement this year, I was directed to this site, and alanon, by an angel on New Year's Day, 2006!
Keep working your program, hersh. The amount of sadness and pain this disease can leave in its wake is unbelieveable, isn't it? That's why we need a program, to survive the assault on our emotions, our hearts, and our lives.
If you keep working your program, the trust will come back, the wounds will heal....but you will be smarter and more able to cope with whatever else life tosses at you. My AH was unfaithful years ago, and it took us being apart 9 years for me to get over it! But, that was before alanon, and before I began having to look at my own actions and how I am.
I love my AH too with all my heart. But I am beginning to set boundaries (for myself) and I am growing. For today, I am going to stay, even though he is active and shows no sign of letting up any time soon. There is something in me that makes me happier with him, even when he is drinking, than I am alone. That may change, I don't know. But, like you, I know I need to save my sanity, and not go down with him. I have my own life to live.
